Sometimes the aftermath is worse than the build up. Do you agree?
I find that although the build up to an event or occasion since our loss is terrifying, the aftermath is always 100 times worse. Fathers Day is a prime example of this. I knew the day would be hard for my husband, he was going to be quiet, subdued, possible even angry and I could preempt that and deal with it because I knew it wasn’t aimed at me. However what I hadn’t thought of was how he’d feel afterwards, going back to normality seemed easy but was it? Because it certainly hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve spent my whole life trying to save and protect the people I love, going from pretty much caring for my brother while our Mum dealt with her own anxiety, to trying to protect people from my grief, yet since Fathers Day I have felt guilty that I couldn’t protect my husband from his own heartache. I vowed to be his everything and to protect him when I married him, I vowed to bring love to his life every single day and I failed. I couldn’t protect him by saving our son, I didn’t know how to deal with Fathers Day, did I celebrate him being a dad to a baby who wasn’t here? Did I not celebrate and have him think he has been forgotten, that he isn’t this amazing father? This was made even harder by knowing we are expecting our rainbow (will post more about this soon) and knowing how excited he would have been on Fathers Day if Jason was here or this baby was our first has tainted everything. He no longer feels like a father even though he has helped create life twice! He doesn’t feel worthy to be celebrated because his children aren’t here to worship him, even though I know if Jason were here he’d be daddy mad and want his daddy more than me because let’s face it, his daddy is awesome! He’s the best person I have ever met and I’m proud that he is the father of our children.
I feel like i’ve rambled a bit on this post and have probably completely lost the whole reason for writing (I’ve let my fingers do the talking and not planned what I wanted to say). This week is a hard one to get through but I’m hoping there will be a more positive post next time where I tell you all about our Rainbow, we have our first consultant meeting on Friday at 19+4 weeks so hoping for more questions to have been answered.
To my husband – who will NEVER read this because I won’t let him, I love you. The man, the husband, the father. The only person I want to have in my life forever ❤