“A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss of a child.
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it’s aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.”
So, as promised, here is my bit of positivity for my blog so far. My rainbow. I never liked that term, since losing Jason I never fully understood why it was known as a rainbow or ever wanted to use the term yet this is what people acknowledge and understand so the term is there (and isn’t that bad when you deeply look in to it.)
On Sunday 6th March 2016, nearly a year since losing Jason, it was Mother’s Day. A day I was struggling with, knowing I had asked my husband for nothing, no card, no gifts. It didn’t seem right celebrating being a mummy without my boy being here to shower with my love and gratitude. For I still felt so much gratitude for having him in my life, he has moulded me in to someone I never thought I could be. Although I had discussed this with hubby and decided I didn’t need anything, when the day came I felt sadness that I had been forgotten, was I no longer a mum because my Son was somewhere else? (For those who don’t know, I don’t believe in a God or Heaven so can’t describe him as being in Heaven – however I don’t/won’t disregard others and their beliefs.) Did I not deserve to be treated the same as my own mother? I couldn’t comprehend being on my own as hubby was working so decided to take myself to my parents for a Mothers Day sunday lunch where my Nan and Grandad joined us. It was nice. I could hide my feelings, pretend it was just another day. However it wasn’t, as not only did I feel emotional at it being Mothers Day, my AF was also due and I knew it was coming. I had stopped getting my hopes up 2 months before and found it hard not to feel a pang of disappoint whenever it arrived. In February, my husband and I decided we would stop trying for baby number 2 until after Jason’s first birthday, knowing that this day would be hard enough for us both and booked a trip away from family and friends and shared our Son’s first birthday at Legoland Windsor, where we would have taken him any way. So I knew that AF was going to come and go, I just wished it hadn’t have been due on a day that I was already finding hard and therefore would push me over the edge completely.
As the day passed on, I started feeling anxious, AF was always regular and still hadn’t arrived. I didn’t want to pin my hopes on this being it as I knew it wouldn’t be. So when hubby came home that night I told him if it didn’t arrive by morning I would test, see the negative line and move on. Convinced that the test would be negative I did just that and before work tested so I can move forward and stop wondering.
It was then that I realised Jason had given me the best mother’s day gift ever and he had given me my rainbow. I knew it had come from him, he had decided it was the perfect time and I felt like we’d got his blessing to try and give him the sibling he would have never wanted.
Since that day, this pregnancy has NOT been easy, I’ve spent the past 20 weeks waiting for something bad to happen, expecting the worst, as I’m sure anyone in my situation has felt in the past. A rainbow pregnancy takes away all the excitement, the hardness of keeping a secret, wanting to tell the whole world. I still haven’t told everyone I know, people who don’t see me regular have no idea that I have been given another blessing. And I don’t want people to know until this baby is here and safe with her mummy and daddy. The weeks went so quickly and I find, sitting here now, I am 19 weeks 6 days and half way there already. All the worries I felt at the start of the pregnancy are still there, this isn’t the same as a rainbow after an early loss (although obviously still devastating and difficult) I lost Jason at 35 weeks, my pregnancy with him was perfect so we thought so why would this perfect pregnancy end any different?
We had our first appointment with the consultant at our local hospital and he scanned our Rainbow completely, checking every part of her he could. Due to Jason’s DS he focused on looking for any signs that she might have DS too (even though once again our test results are low risk) and so far she is showing no signs of having it. As i’ve said in the past posts, if she did I wouldn’t care at all! It’s just comforting knowing it’s completely different to my pregnancy with Jason as his DS had caused problems in the placenta which was a factor in his death. The consultant seemed pleased with our little girl’s progress so far. Hubby said my bump seemed just as big now as it did at 35 weeks during my pregnancy with Jason. I still don’t understand why his size didn’t raise alarm bells with the midwife and I probably won’t ever get those answers. I have no part of this pregnancy for granted, the aches and pains, the stress, the uncertainty, the grief, I have taken on every part of this pregnancy as if tomorrow it might all be gone, it’s different for the mother, I’ve felt her wriggle inside me, hubby still hasn’t had that privilege and never did with Jason so his anxiety is worse than mine. I am taking each day as it comes, making the most of being pregnant, of feeling life growing inside me, of feeling truly happy again knowing that Jason has given me his blessing. Although this brings me comfort, please don’t think this makes my grief and loss any easier, it will never get easier. My first child is gone, taken, stolen from my life and that will always stab me right in the heart. My grief doesn’t stop just because I have another unborn baby to protect and look after. My grief will never go away, it’s not something you “get over” despite what others might think. I have become a master of hiding my true feeling, of hiding my grief. I am the actress who puts a face on every single day of the person she used to be. Not the person I am now.
I am just making the most of a situation I never wanted to be in, trying to be the best mummy to my two babies and the best wife to my husband, who right now needs me as much as they do.