Everyone deals with loss differently. Everyone deals with social situations differently. For me, when a pregnancy announcement has been made I feel a stab in my chest, I have to catch my breath and I feel anger. Not anger towards the person making the announcement, don’t misread what I type, I am usually genuinely happy for said person, however I am angry that I know their baby will not die, they will get their happily ever after and I didn’t. This is what makes me angry.
Since losing Jason, I have been lucky that most of the announcements made have been subtle and easy-going, close friends who know my situation and are thoughtful enough to not throw it in my face. This linked with my deactivating my Facebook account has meant I have been able to avoid the happy comments, scan photos etc. This doesn’t stop me from snooping. I love to torture myself, I must enjoy looking for signs as this is what I do, I snoop. I delete people who I know are expecting a child to stop myself. It doesn’t work.
Today I found out an old friend (who used to be a very close friend) has had her baby. A little girl. I don’t know whether her having a girl is easier or harder. Nothing about hearing another person’s announcement is easy. I convinced myself she’d have a boy and everything would be fine and she’d get exactly what I deserved. You see, her story was similar to mine. Got married, got caught with her first pregnancy straight away and was expecting her baby before her first wedding anniversary. A fairy tale. That should have been my life. It should be me who got my fairy tale ending. I’m not bitter and I don’t wish this on ANYONE but why didn’t I deserve it? Why does she get her baby and I don’t? Even knowing I’ve been so blessed with our rainbow and she’s wriggling inside me as I type this, she isn’t my first, she isn’t my son, she’s our second child and she should have her big brother here to protect her when she’s older. I will never forgive myself for not doing more to save Jason and bring him home, I can’t.
Grief doesn’t stop just because you’re having another baby, despite what people think. Unless you have been in my situation you won’t ever understand and I hope you never do. Time might distance me from the moment I gave birth, held, kissed and said goodbye to my son but grief doesn’t work in a specific time period it will be with me forever, until I can see Jason again and hold him in my arms.
I just hope that the next pregnancy announcement I read is my own, telling the world my daughter is here and she is safe. I long for that day so much.
A x
Mothering A Rainbow 