Celebrations are a funny thing when grieving. Sometimes they are filled with dread, a birthday, a due date, the anniversary of the death. Even happier times can be dreaded, holidays without that person, anniversaries etc. Our Anniversary wasn’t dreaded, for the first time ever we were looking forward to our anniversary. Something we haven’t had the luxury of doing since our first wedding anniversary was spent still desperately sad from the death of our Son.
On Monday it was my 2 year wedding anniversary. On Wednesday it was the day that marked 10 years of being with my OH. Both days were filled with love and laughter. Yet, as always, Jason was at the front of my mind.
Monday was spent in Chester, specifically at Chester Zoo as it’s one of mine and hubby’s favourite places to go. We haven’t been since before we got married so thought it would be a nice way of celebrating our anniversary (and we wanted ice cream!). Although Chester is only an hours drive away we decided to book a luxury B&B and spend the night in Chester, mainly for the reason that I didn’t have too much walking and driving to do in one day with my ever-expanding bump but also because I was desperate to have a bath! We only have a shower in our home and I do miss soaking in a bubble bath especially while I’m pregnant. When pregnant with Jason I would lie for hours in a bubble bath just watching him wriggle, it was the only time I ever really saw him move. Now the idea filled me with dread so I decided I needed to face that fear and somehow lie in the bath with our rainbow wriggling. She decided she didn’t want to wriggle in the warm bath and stayed perfectly still until I got out! Stubborn much??Anyway, I digress, we had a wonderful time in Chester Zoo, we felt like the old us. It felt like the last time we were there, taking stupid selfies and weird pictures of everything. Everything felt like ‘before’. It was nice but strangely it also felt very ‘showy’ that we were pretending as we didn’t recognise those people any more, I didn’t feel like me. Yet for the past 16 months all I’ve wanted is to be me before all the shit. I have gotten so used to this person I have become that I needed to feel that way again, I put it down to the fact that ‘before me’ wasn’t a mum. She didn’t have this overwhelming love for her son and her unborn daughter and I missed that. Jason was on my mind throughout the entire day, don’t get me wrong. He’s never out of my thoughts but for once I decided to give OH my all, he deserved it after sticking around not only for 10 years but more so in the past 16 months when it would have been easier to run away. Our love was stronger than it ever had been and he deserved to be shown.
I knew our anniversary wasn’t the real reason I wanted to go to Chester Zoo, OH has a monkey that he has had since he can remember called Harry. I said throughout my pregnancy with Jason that we would take him there so he could choose his own teddy just like Daddy did. I felt like the time was right and I knew if I saw something that Jason would have chosen I’d get it, I knew my son more than anyone else ever will and I know what he would have wanted, there have been signs since his death telling me. Before we left we went to the gift shop and I chose a monkey just like Daddy’s but smaller for when our Rainbow Princess arrives in a few months. I was unsure but I feel like by buying small things it will ensure that she will be safe and healthy when she arrives and we can bring her home. I’m still very anxious and worried that somewhere, someone has decided we don’t deserve her and she’ll be torn away from us too like her brother, but I needed something real, physical for her too. While choosing her monkey a small elephant shone in the corner of my eye, it was perfect, a cute little elephant for Jason’s shelf. I knew he was pointing me in the right direction and I grabbed it and could sense he was near. Soon enough I felt a tug and I started looking at the ornaments and other items i’d probably never look at in a zoo gift shop. But there stood a wooden elephant, one pink and one blue. The pink had written “Little Princess” on it, a beautiful gift however it was the blue elephant that tugged at my emotions. You’d expect it to have said something like “Little Monster” or “Little Prince” however this elephant didn’t. “Little Angel” was written on the small elephant. I started to well up, why would these words be used to describe a boy who was here? I’ve never seen anything with this wording on before and again, impulsively I picked it up and just HAD to buy it. Jason was with us the whole day, giving me signs that he was celebrating with us, like he should have been.
I feel comforted knowing he was around. I realised it was okay to miss him but it’s also okay to laugh. It’s okay to wish he was with us celebrating but it’s also okay to smile knowing he was still around even if we couldn’t physically see him.
I have realised it’s okay to function on days where I feel like I can and it’s also okay to have those days where I can’t function too. It’s okay to be happy, angry, thankful, hurt.