Sadness.

Today I felt sadness. Not for myself but for a friend who has been an absolute godsend to me since losing Jason. 

It’s funny how you are thrown in to this special secret group when your baby dies. A group that isn’t spoken of until you become a fully fledged member. Yet this group is full of special people who know exactly how you feel. They have felt your loss, your pain and your sadness and offer support, guidance and most importantly friendship when most people don’t know what to say. 

I have been lucky enough to have made friends with some very special ladies and I like to think that Jason has found their babies and has made friends with them too. Today I felt sadness for one person who has been a rock to me in my own grief and it reminded me just how fucking cruel this world can be. Not only sadness but I feel guilt, guilt for the fact that I’m carrying a child and can feel her wriggling around inside me. Only when you have lost a child do you become aware of how much someone elses happiness can cause you so much sadness. I dont want to be the cause for someone elses sadness.

I’m really hoping that all the special mummies I have had the pleasure of meeting and talking to in the past year are soon able to find happiness.