Posted in baby loss


Ive always been the person who has nightmares, apparently I suffered from night terrors as a baby where I would sleep with my eyes open and scream. Since then my nightmares have always been vivid. So real that it takes me a few minutes once I’m awake to even really it wasn’t real. 

These nightmares come from my worries, as a child it was someone trying to take my brother away (where I would then HAVE to check he was still in his room asleep before I was convinced I was dreaming). As an adult my nightmares had eased off, I’d occasionally be woken by hubby because I was crying uncontrollably but can never remember why.

Last night I awoke, I’m assuming from yet another nightmare (these are more frequent recently) but I can’t remember it at all. I woke up and couldnt feel my bump. I had a flat stomach, baby bean was obviously playing tricks on me but this didn’t ease my anxiety. Bean was also refusing to wriggle or kick no matter what I tried. I don’t like to worry myself and I’m sure my mind plays tricks on me so I didn’t wake OH and worry him too.

I’m so scared that now I know what kicks feel like (looking back I didnt feel jason kick much due to his small size) I’m going to start noticing changes and I’m going to lose her. I’ve got a week until my next scan and I’m hoping I can ease my anxiety before then. I just want a happy baby at the end of this pregnancy but the closer I’m getting to the end the mire anxious and worried I’m becoming.

I guess on a happier side note, I’ve made it to the third trimester ❤ let’s hope our consultant finally hears my concerns and puts a plan in place. Baby could come at any time, 13 weeks to go but I’m fully aware that as Jason came at 35 weeks we could be meeting her a lot sooner than we think.


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.