August 19th 2016. A day of hope. Today is a day to remember all those babies and children who couldn’t stay. Our babies.
A day of hope. I have so much to be hopeful for yet so much that no matter how much I hope and wish, it will never happen.
I hoped for a beautiful baby last year, I had hoped I’d get to watch him grow up, see what his character would be like. I had hoped to become a mum for the first time. Last year began with so much hope that I relive in my mind every single day. Fate had other plans and all the hopes I had were gone. I could no longer hope for these things. All the hopes of first tooth, first hair cut, first step, first day of school, wedding day, all gone. These firsts were never going to happen because the beautiful baby I had dreamed of had been stolen from me! I’m still so angry and confused that I find being hopeful even harder than before.
I’ve found today quite difficult, I don’t know why, I just have. So for the rest of today’s post I’m going to write down all my hopes for the next few months and hopefully review them in the new year ❤
1) I hope that our growth scan on Wednesday shows a happy, healthy baby.
2) I hope to get through the last trimester without any anxieties that things will turn out wrong.
3) I hope our rainbow arrives and we get to bring her home and become parents for the second time.
4) I hope this Christmas is filled with a happiness that myself, hubby and our families couldn’t get last year and that we can spend it as a family.
5) I hope with all my heart that Jason is proud of his mummy and knows how much he is loved and missed every day.
6) I hope to be able to share Jason’s story and do something good in his name for Christmas this year.
7) I hope that all the friends I’ve made along my journey of motherhood are given the chance to become the parents they so deserve to be.
8) I hope my family, friends (both on and offline) know how much I admire them and am grateful for their constant support and love.
9) I hope I can finally make hubby happy, truly happy by giving him what was stolen from him when Jason died.
10) I hope that I am worthy of bringing Bean home and showing her all the love I have for her and her big brother ❤