Posted in baby loss

And breathe…

I haven’t had chance to write so far this week as it’s been so hectic. Between decorating Bean’s nursery to so many different appointments for myself and OH I finally feel like I can sit down and breathe. 

And breathe…

It’s something i’ve been repeating to myself a lot since last week. I’ve learnt that stressing myself out isn’t good for myself or Bean and when I do it seems to reduce her movements (or I’m just not feeling them due to my stress). Probably the latter so I’m trying not to overthink and worry too much.

On Monday I had my 28 week home visit from the midwife, OH was due to start his new job so my mother-in-law offered to come sit in with me so I wasn’t on my own, knowing my anxieties I think we were all concerned at how i’d take any news the MW gave me. As it happens, OH came home early from his first day (only an induction) and was here to see the MW with me. Everything seemed fine and she was pleased with Bean’s strong heartbeat and measurements however she always seemed happy with Jason’s heartbeat and measurements so I was still filled with doubt that something could still be wrong. It was nice for my mother-in-law to hear the heartbeat as she never did with Jason and she seemed happy too. MW did say that my bump seemed small for 28 weeks, which concerned me with Jason being a 3lb 6oz baby at 35 weeks.

The only thing that has kept me from feeling stressed was knowing we had a growth scan booked in for yesterday and I’d be able to see just how Bean was doing, was she the correct size and if not a doctor would know. We weren’t expecting to see the consultant as we were told he wasn’t in however we did end up seeing a lovely doctor after our scan who went through my notes and assured me that Bean is doing well. It felt surreal talking to him about my pregnancy with Jason but he seemed positive that as long as Bean stays on the right track we’ll be having a Midwife Led delivery (hopefully in hospital this time!!!) and there won’t be any need for constant monitoring. The midwife on Monday said differently but I’m just going with whatever happens on the day. I have come to realise you can’t plan out every detail as things don’t ever seem to go to plan, especially when a tiny human being is involved.

Since yesterday I’ve tried to be much more relaxed, not overdo it and let things run their own cause. We’ve finished painting the Bean’s nursery and I am so pleased with it. Hubby has started hanging pictures and shelves and we ordered a new carpet for her too which isn’t coming for a couple of weeks. Until then all the furniture is EVERYWHERE and I can’t stand it but I know Bean is worth the few weeks of annoyance and squishing it to get to the shower!! It’s been a long process but we’re finally seeing the end and I’m really pleased with it. I’m also trying to be positive that Bean will use the room, she will be coming home and it won’t all be for nothing. I want it to be perfect for her as I know she will be perfect in her own way too.

Looking back at my list of hopes for the rest of this year and I’m pleased I can already cross one hope off my list!

1) I hope that our growth scan on Wednesday shows a happy, healthy baby. Yay!

A x



Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

5 thoughts on “And breathe…

  1. Glad things are progressing well, and well done for trying to keep the anxieties at bay. It’s not easy at the best of times. Glad you had support for your MW appt too. Have a relaxing bank hol weekend! Xx


  2. I too am pregnant again after the loss of my baby girl and feeling similar emotions to you so it’s been a breath of fresh air reading your posts. Pregnancy after a loss is definitely not easy! ❤️❤️


    1. Aw congratulations on your rainbow hun! It is so difficult but I’ve found I have a lot of support from so many other angel mummies which is helping me through it. I hope you found my post supporting too. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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