Posted in baby loss

Dear Jason…

Dear Jason,

Today I cried for the first time in months. I feel guilty that I don’t cry more but in all honesty crying isn’t something I do often. Your mummy is strong and doesn’t like to feel weak so I don’t cry. 

I’m not quite sure why I cried. It is probably a combination of lots of things. Not having your daddy home as he started his new job yesterday, was not helping. I’ve been so used to having him with me 24/7. Knowing I was going to see your cousin was another trigger for me, I love spending time with family and your cousin is absolutely gorgeous. He’s just so similar to how I imagine you would be and I find it difficult. However, I had such a wonderful time with them, I imagined you were there next to us doing jigsaws and watching cartoons. Rather than make me sad it made me smile as your cousin’s mummy always talks about you and asks how I am. This makes it easier, when people aren’t afraid to mention your name. All these things can be triggers for me even shopping for your sisters clothes choked me up seeing the cute clothes I would have bought for you. Everything just doesn’t feel right without you here. 

Jason. Today I slept in. Me and daddy slept for nearly 12 hours. This was my trigger. This is why i cried. I cried because I should not be able to sleep from 8pm to 8am without  interruption. I should have been woken up by you crying and wanting me. I would give anything for you to be here and crying every hour wanting a cuddle. I’d give angthing for a cuddle. 

I’m sorry for crying. I know you’d hate me being upset but sometimes mummy just needs to let it all out. 

I love you Jason, until the day I can see you again and give you the biggest cuddle ❤

Love mummy xxxxxxxxxx   


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

6 thoughts on “Dear Jason…

  1. I cry so often anymore. Anything seems to be a trigger. I’m happy that spending time with your family made you feel good, instead of sad. I understand the “sleeping in” thing. We should have our babies here and not be able to sleep in or relax because we are too busy holding them and feeding them at all hours… ((Hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad someone else understands, I feel so stupid for feeling guilty for just sleeping in and no-one really understands why. I’m sorry you’re finding so many things a trigger, hopefully the triggers will ease for you, I am finding that my triggers are less and less and things that once were a trigger don’t cause me so much pain now. Sending you lots of hugs and love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your words reminded me so much of a song that I love, you are right, we are only human and sometimes we have to let it out. I just hate feeling so weak and it only adds to the pressure of wanting to be the best for Jason. Hope you’re doing okay xx


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