Today I cried for the first time in months. I feel guilty that I don’t cry more but in all honesty crying isn’t something I do often. Your mummy is strong and doesn’t like to feel weak so I don’t cry.
I’m not quite sure why I cried. It is probably a combination of lots of things. Not having your daddy home as he started his new job yesterday, was not helping. I’ve been so used to having him with me 24/7. Knowing I was going to see your cousin was another trigger for me, I love spending time with family and your cousin is absolutely gorgeous. He’s just so similar to how I imagine you would be and I find it difficult. However, I had such a wonderful time with them, I imagined you were there next to us doing jigsaws and watching cartoons. Rather than make me sad it made me smile as your cousin’s mummy always talks about you and asks how I am. This makes it easier, when people aren’t afraid to mention your name. All these things can be triggers for me even shopping for your sisters clothes choked me up seeing the cute clothes I would have bought for you. Everything just doesn’t feel right without you here.
Jason. Today I slept in. Me and daddy slept for nearly 12 hours. This was my trigger. This is why i cried. I cried because I should not be able to sleep from 8pm to 8am without interruption. I should have been woken up by you crying and wanting me. I would give anything for you to be here and crying every hour wanting a cuddle. I’d give angthing for a cuddle.
I’m sorry for crying. I know you’d hate me being upset but sometimes mummy just needs to let it all out.
I love you Jason, until the day I can see you again and give you the biggest cuddle ❤
Love mummy xxxxxxxxxx