Best left unsaid.

Today was my first day back at work since the start of the Summer holidays in July and it’s fair to say I was dreading it. We were in for a Pd Day and I think I’d have preferred to have been in with the kids getting to hide with them than interact with other adults.

I knew today would be difficult, a colleague announced her pregnancy over the summer on social media and I knew everyone would be overexcited about her announcement and I knew I would find it hard to fake a smile. I know I’m pregnant and I’m so lucky to still have my rainbow in my tummy but pregnancy announcements still dig a knife in my heart. I’m not bitter I’m just cautious now, cautious that announcing a pregnancy at 12 weeks on social media can be the best and the worst decision you could make. I’m cautious that I’m still so nervous about my pregnancy and yet they get to live that blissful ignorance that everything will be fine at the end of it. Which it will I’m sure, I’d never wish the loss of their child on anyone. 

I also expected the comments from other colleagues. They mean well I know but saying things like: “You dont look bigger than when we broke up” and “Gosh your bump is small” really doesn’t help! I’m anxious and convinced something terrible will happen and they come out with things like that! It doesn’t fill me with much hope that my rainbow will come home with me. I need reassurance now, not people putting doubts in my mind. I’m scared, nervous and anxious and not counting down the weeks because I know I’m going to be a ball of nerves once we get to 35 weeks and that’s when it could all still go wrong. 

I’m sorry for the rant, just don’t understand where telling anyone how small their bump is and how little it has grown in the space of 6 weeks can be helpful for any pregnant person, never mind someone who lives every day without their son. I’m feeling tired (due to hubby being up since 4!) and angry tonight, I just want my baby. Both of them safe with me ❤ 

A x