Anxieties.

It’s been a while since I last posted, well it feels like a while. I’ve hit 31 weeks and my anxieties are getting worse. I hate being on my own, I hate having to leave the house. I feel panicky and scared every time I feel our little Bean kick or wriggle inside me.

Our 28 week growth scan went well, Bean seems to be growing just as she should be and no issues were found. Our appointment afterwards though really upset me. We didn’t see our consultant but saw another doctor. He’d obviously skimmed through our notes before seeing us and explained that we probably wouldn’t be consultant led for Bean’s delivery. This didn’t bother me, I know the midwives do a fantastic job and I’d be happy to be midwife led if Bean is all fine and well. However he could not understand my worries about the birth in general or the fact that a home birth just can’t even be an option. He kept telling me that Jason’s birth wasn’t the issue last time and there is no need to be worried. Now, correct me if i’m wrong, but a birth that had no real contractions, no signs whatsoever of actual labour and that only lasted maximum half an hour should be a sign of concern. Right? After what my husband went through trying to deliver our baby on his own ,in our bathroom, while seeing that his head wasn’t pushing through but feet, legs, hands and body had already started to turn blue IS an issue! I couldn’t believe what I was being told. I am terrified of having to put hubby through that trauma again. I am petrified of having another home birth and not having anyone here to help me. I am so scared that Jason’s birth happened so quickly that I’m not going to make it to hospital and i’m going to be home, alone, scared and not sure what to do.

Doctors just don’t listen. I saw my midwife two weeks later and she reassured me that she has put in my notes that I will be consultant led. However nobody seems to be able to tell me how they plan to solve my home birth worries. This isn’t a normal pregnancy. This can NOT end in the same way as Jason did. My son died. He died and I can’t bring him back. He died and I blame myself every day that I couldn’t do anything to save him. How can they expect me to go through the same emotions all over again without any reassurance?

Now I’ve got past 30 weeks I am completely prepared for any signs of labour, I have just 4 mornings left at work as I finish just before 32 weeks. During my pregnancy with Jason I worked right up until 35 weeks, finished on the friday and Jason was born the following Sunday. Just two days in to my maternity leave. I can’t let that happen again, I had planned to spend the first week preparing and finishing my hospital bags and Jason’s things. I didn’t get to do any of that so this time I am ready. I am ready to have my baby and bring her home. I am not leaving that hospital without my baby again.

Everyone keeps asking me how long I’ve got left, but to be honest I’m not counting down. I’m still counting each week as it comes. I’m so lucky to have got this far without any major hiccups but Jason’s pregnancy was so similar and so easy that having no hiccups makes this pregnancy even harder. I know the answer people expect, so I give it them. “9 weeks to go!!” with a huge grin on my face because that’s how I’m expected to react. What I say in my head is a completely different story; “9 weeks BUT she could decide to come at any time, I just need to get to 35 weeks again and she’ll have cooked for the same amount of time as Jason and anything longer is a big bonus.” I hate how negative I feel now that we’ve hit the single digit weeks but I can’t get excited until she’s here and i’ve heard her cry for her mummy.

I’m having a really hard week, this weekend has been difficult and I’ve found i’ve cried at pretty much anything. I can’t even look at my son’s picture. I feel so guilty that I can’t look at his perfect little face at the minute because it fills me with dread. I decided I was strong enough to reactivate my facebook for some fundraising i’m doing (blog will follow soon!) but found that it was pure torture. My last posts were right after Jason died. They are awful. They make me cry, they send me right back to those first few days without my son. Walking around in a daze, pretending it didn’t happen but knowing full well life is SHIT and had dealt me the worst hand I could possibly imagine. My facebook has over again been deactivated, I can’t bring myself to fully delete it because as much as those statuses hurt, they were the first words I used to tell the world my son existed and I can’t ever get rid of that.

A x