Posted in baby loss, grief, motherhood, Pregnancy, pregnancy after loss, Uncategorized

Week One.

I feel like i’m starting all over again but this time is slightly different. It’s been exactly one week since starting my maternity leave and i’m now waiting for Bean to arrive. 

This week has been full of so many different emotions that I think the only way I can figure them out is by going through each day so I apologise if this is long/boring or whatever but I have found it helps. 🙂

Last Friday: I managed to slip away at the end of my work morning and avoid most people who would have been over-excited about my upcoming maternity leave, something I’ve been dreading. Work has been my escapism, it’s the routine I so badly crave and need to get through each day and the thought of starting my leave 8 weeks before our due date scares me. I’m trying to sort myself out with a routine that is manageable and doesn’t result in me filling my time visiting and shopping just to get out of the house.  I am the type of person who without work I would just slouch on the sofa in my PJs and aimlessly stare at the TV, something I did too much of during my last maternity leave and grieving process. However once I got home I realised I still had so much housework to do that I cracked on straight away. I’d got through my last day of work and was feeling hopeful that the rest of my leave would go to plan.
Saturday: I woke up with that familiar feeling of anxiety. During the start of my maternity leave with Jason (which only lasted the weekend before his arrival) I felt ill and was sick. I spent this Saturday feeling anxious that the same would happen again. I know this sounds silly to those who don’t understand but everything about this pregnancy has been so similar to Jason’s that why wouldn’t this weekend have the same outcome? I was lucky enough to have made plans and filled the day buying birthday presents and some christmas presents for friends which gave me a reason to make myself look presentable.
Sunday: Luckily hubby was off work on Sunday so I wasn’t alone, I didn’t really feel like seeing anyone at all but we’d made plans to have Sunday Lunch out at an all you can eat with my in-laws and hubby’s nan so again, I had a reason to try and feel okay. Hubby was brilliant, he knew that Sunday was the first step in making this pregnancy different and looked after me so well. More so than normal, which he is very good at anyway lol. Lunch turned out to be just what I needed and I finally relaxed. By Sunday night i’d realised I’d felt no niggles or pains and managed to calm my anxieties down.
Monday & Tuesday: Both days were rather uneventful and were spent cleaning and tidying the house ready for our Health Visitor’s visit the following day. It sounds boring but I spent so much time cleaning (due to needing to sit down more often than I intended) that I didn’t have time to worry.
Wednesday: Wednesday was a busy day, I started the morning off by giving the house a final tidy-up. I didn’t know what to expect from the health visitor or even why she was coming as I didn’t see anyone while I was pregnant with Jason. It’s a new thing where they just come and introduce themselves but I’d spent hours the previous night reading horror stories about them judging the state of your house and judging the nursery and what you have ready for Baby that I really panicked and felt like she’d deem me a bad mother for not having Bean’s things completed before she arrives. I also worried that she wouldn’t know our situation and I’d have to go over the entire thing with her and I really didn’t feel strong enough to do that. In all honestly I feel silly for how wrong I was! Our HV was lovely, genuinely lovely. She had read up on our notes and was very tactile in our chat. It eased the way for a few hours later when we had another scan booked to see how Bean was doing. Thankfully, Bean’s doing well, she’s weighing at 4.3-4.4lbs at 32 weeks and looking healthy. Once again we did not see our consultant (i’m starting to wonder whether he even works at the hospital!!) but did see a lady doctor who showed so much empathy and seemed to have an understanding of where my anxieties were coming from. She’s put a kind of plan in place but we don’t get to finalise anything until our 36 week scan in October. I am praying we make it that far and Bean doesn’t decide to show up early like her brother.
Thursday & Friday: Both days were spent doing yet more birthday/christmas shopping and visiting. It was my great aunt’s birthday yesterday and I took mum and my brother to surprise her. She’s doing well for 81!! She’s always been like a nan to me as she was never able to have children of her own, something I have felt guilty for since losing Jason. She’s one person who has found me being pregnant difficult and I feel guilty that she couldn’t feel these feelings herself. All my life she has meant so much to me but this year I wanted her to know just how loved she really is and although we aren’t her children we all love her as if we were. She’s looked after the entire family in one way or another. Then today I went for a walk, I felt like I needed to clear my head. The walk was amazing, starting off feeling like a very crisp Autumnal morning that soon turned in to a full on summers day, i’m so glad I wore a dress as I knew I’d be doing some walking and wanted to stay cool. I’m going to try and make it a weekly thing to walk around the same place and enjoy watching autumn settle on the ground.

So there we go. A whole week of maternity leave and I’ve managed to survive without Bean arriving. I am going to spend the next few weeks on tenterhooks waiting and anticipating her arrival early but hopefully once I’ve settled in to a new routine I won’t become a nervous wreck! In the next week I want to write about the amazing people who have set up #teamjason for a fundraiser we are doing but that can wait for next time.

A x


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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