Posted in baby loss, down syndrome, Extra Chromosome, grief, motherhood, Pregnancy, pregnancy after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, Pregnancy Loss, trisomy 21, Uncategorized

Dear Jason.

Dear Jason,

During my walk on Monday I saw you, you came to me as a Robin and sat on a bench where I stood. I tried to take a picture but you obviously didn’t want me to as you flew away once my phone was ready. I imagine you’d have been that mischievous if you were here now.

This week has been really hard for me, reaching 35 weeks pregnant with your sister has opened up a can of worms. I haven’t felt these strong emotions since I lost you. My anxieties have reached a new high and I haven’t left the house since Monday except for my midwife appointment. I’m so scared that if I go too far away I’m not going to make it to hospital. I’m worried that if anyone is with me i’m going to go in to premature labour and have to deal with those people and not myself. I’m so worried that I am just unable to carry full term and your sister will arrive any second and i’m not in the right place at the right time.

This morning I realised that your sister is the same age you were when I had you. 35+3. I woke up counting my blessings that I had made it to the same day and she was wriggling inside and not trying to make her way out just yet. Each new day will now bring new experiences, new feelings and new beginnings. I feel like my pregnancy has just begun. It is suddenly a whole new thing and I don’t know how to deal with this.

I so badly wish you were here, giving me grief, not letting me rest my aching bones, wanting all the fuss you so much deserve like any other mum who is pregnant with their second child.

You should be 19 months old by now and I should be taking pictures of all the milestones you’ve hit so far. I shouldn’t be sat here wondering whether you’d have started crawling yet as I know walking would still be a long way off.  I’m hoping that you are happy your sister is almost here with us, I hope that you’re not jealous of her because you will never have a reason to be. You will always be my first child, you will always be so special to me. Your sister will grow up knowing her big brother is watching over her and making sure she’s getting out of trouble (although again I imagine you’ll be telling her how to push my buttons and making her as naughty as possible). You were so excited to come to us that we conceived you before we’d started trying to and you were born before we expected you. In those 35 weeks of knowing you, you bought me and your Daddy so much happiness, you will never know how much we loved you then and how much we love you now.

I hope you are looking after your other little sibling, I have named them Pea as I don’t know whether they’d have been a boy or a girl. Your sister should be a twin but unfortunately you needed another special friend to play with. I haven’t thought much about the little one that stopped growing at 8 weeks because I know deep down they have made sure your sister can grow and be as healthy as needed.

I long for the day when I will be able to hug you and tell you how much I have missed you. My life is spent waiting for that day and when it comes I will welcome it because I know you’ll be there waiting for me. Thank you for showing me you are always around, keep sending me those little signs, they make me smile and reminds me you were here.

Keep sending your sister all the strength she needs so that we can bring her home soon. I’m so ready to meet her now.

Sleep tight my beautiful boy.
Mummy loves you, now and forever xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

One thought on “Dear Jason.

  1. Sounds like we are going through the same thing right now. I am now just as far along in my pregnancy as I was when my daughter was born last year. So many emotions during this milestone. It feels so strange to think I am going beyond this point with this baby and that this isn’t the end. Thinking of you and sending you light and love ❤️❤️


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