I’ve been quiet the past few weeks, not only with my blog but also on my personal instagram account. I’ve not quite known the words to write or what pictures to take. I have found this pregnancy to be the hardest since hitting 35 weeks and passing the week where Jason was born. I’m now 37+2 weeks pregnant with our little girl and I just don’t know how I feel about that.
At our last scan we were told it looked like little miss has hair. This is nothing in comparison to how she is doing and what we really wanted to know yet this information really hit me hard. Jason had hair. He had a lot of hair. I don’t know how i’m going to feel when our rainbow is born and she looks just like her brother. In my head I know she’s going to look similar, for one all babies kinda look the same but they have the same genetics, they are siblings and my heart aches that i’ll never know just how similar they will be.
This month i’ve been taking part in the #captureyourgrief challenge on Instagram. Today’s post made me think about how I am around others, in reality I tell everyone I’m fine, i choose not to indulge them in my grief in fear of making them feel uncomfortable. Yet on here I am honest, I know family, friends read this, I know they are the same people who I tell I’m okay, making the most of it etc and I know they know me well enough to know it’s all a load of bollocks. I’ve been scared to tell anyone, even my blog readers, the truth about how I’m feeling because in all honesty I have never felt so scared in my life. Everyone is staying positive telling me that things will be different this time and life can’t be that shit that i will lose another baby so late in to my pregnancy but when it is all you know how can you believe them? I’ve only ever been pregnant once before this pregnancy and it ended in my Son dying at 35 weeks. Why would this pregnancy end any differently? I know i’m doing every thing I can to make sure this baby arrives safely, in the right place and at a time that is acceptable for her well-being but that still doesn’t mean she’s going to survive and I don’t think I can go through that all over again, holding my little girl and not having her wriggle, planning another funeral for a life that barely even began, living every day knowing I failed both of my children and knowing that I don’t want to go through another pregnancy just for it to end in heartbreak all over again. I am petrified of making our baby announcement to the world again and being sent “with sympathy” cards rather than “congratulations”. I’m scared that even if this pregnancy ends well and our rainbow is safe that somewhere down the line we are going to lose her. I am scared of being a real Mum to my daughter. Most of all I’m scared that when she arrives Jason will be forgotten by outsiders. Jason is rarely spoken of by most and I am so grateful to those who do mention him, say his name, light candles and memorise his presence in some way because they aren’t worried about reminding me….I’m never going to forget so please acknowledge he was here.
With just 19 days until baby’s due date i am becoming more and more scared. I just want to be one of the success stories. I want my baby to live, to experience life and to make my family whole again. I want to be able to tell her about her big brother and not just hope he was there when she went. I would give anything to bring Jason back to us, I would give my whole life for him to have survived but I know I can’t.
I’m just scared.