Dear Jason (it’s mum again)

Dear Jason,

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet the past two weeks. Your sister has been quite a handful and I haven’t quite known what to say. Honesrlt I’ve been scared that if I start to write that I might just start crying too. 

Thank you for making sure Ellie arrived safely, I have found some of my sparkle since Ellie was born. Not all of it though as you have some too. I’ve felt like myself again, the person you knew when you were wriggling around in my tummy. I have some faith back that the world isnt out to screw me over yet I have no faith because you were taken from me and the world is THAT cruel. I have found my smile, the one I had before you were born, the one I would put on around others after you died, its now the smile I have because I made two beautiful children and I am so proud of them both.

Ellie has had a bit of jaundice since the midwives came to check on her, I’m hoping it’s gone before the health visitor comes on Thursday otherwise it could mean a blood test. Mummy would hate to see either of you in pain, the thought alone brings me to tears. I cried when they told me, I know it’s common but I had visions of having another funeral for another baby and I couldn’t cope. Daddy had to be strong and look after me, something I’m not used to because I don’t allow him to. It’s just I’m so used to being strong and getting on with it that it feels weird when I allow my emotions to run free. I’m sure you know how amazing your daddy has been, I can see the happiness in him again. Daddy still can’t say your name bit one day he will, it doesn’t mean he forgets or doesn’t care it’s because he loves you so much that it hurts to say you’re gone. 

I promise I will write to you more Son, I don’t want you to think you’ve been forgotten just because Ellie is here and youre not.

No matter what you will always be my first born and my only Son ❤ sending you all my love and hugs and kisses 

Love Mummy xxxxxxxxxxx