baby loss

A New Start?

I haven’t blogged in a while. Not properly since Ellie was born. I’ve found it very hard finding the words (and the time) to get anything that resembles a post. This probably won’t make any sense either to be honest however I’m going to get a few feelings down after the festivities of 2016.

First off, I would like to wish everyone a very happy new year. I sincerely hope that 2017 is a far better and more gentle year for everyone. Christmas and New Year have been amazing, I always try to make sure Christmas is as special as the year before, it’s always been a time for my brother who still believes in SC so christmas is still as magical as when we were kids. This year was our first christmas with a living child. Obviously Ellie didn’t have a clue what was going on yet somehow ended up with more presents than she could have ever wished for. It’s safe to say she was spoilt by our friends and families. I’m a big kid at christmas and was ready to get up at 6 however refrained and slept slightly longer as I’d been up all night doing feeds. We had a lovely morning with both our families and then settled for the afternoon as a snuggly threesome. I tried so hard to make this christmas as normal as ever yet the elephant (hypothetical and literal) in the room was clearly evident. Someone was missing. This year would have been Jason’s second Christmas and he’d have been far more excited than I was. I missed him. I longed to have a pile of presents just for him in red wrapping paper with cute little reindeer on it. Yet I soldiered on, I had to. Now Ellie is here people have an expectation that everything has been solved.

Just to be VERY clear, Ellie’s presence in my life does not magically fix my broken heart. I have so much love for my daughter and I will always be the best mum I can possibly be for her yet there will always be a part of me missing. The last piece of our family jigsaw which makes us complete isn’t there and we can’t just cut a new piece to mend the puzzle. Life doesn’t work like that, if it did Jason would be here in my arms rather than just in my heart.

We started this year off in the same way we do every year, in bed, fast asleep. I don’t believe that seeing in the new year will make it any better. Life is what you make it, the start of a new year can’t and won’t change anything unless you make the changes yourself. I don’t want to change, yes I have weight to lose and new habits to start but that isn’t changing who I am. I’m perfectly happy being the geeky, awkward, annoying, straight talking woman i have always been but now I can add Mummy to the list in a more conventional way.

While writing I am reminded of the list of hopes I made way back in August for the rest of 2016. I was able to cross a few off my list as you can see below: *additions made in bold

1) I hope that our growth scan on Wednesday shows a happy, healthy baby.

2) I hope to get through the last trimester without any anxieties that things will turn out wrong. Well this is partially achieved, the last trimester was full of anxieties but I was able to find strategies to help me deal with them.

3) I hope our rainbow arrives and we get to bring her home and become parents for the second time.

4) I hope this Christmas is filled with a happiness that myself, hubby and our families couldn’t get last year and that we can spend it as a family.

5) I hope with all my heart that Jason is proud of his mummy and knows how much he is loved and missed every day. I hope that this is the case but unfortunately will never know for definite.)

6) I hope to be able to share Jason’s story and do something good in his name for Christmas this year. This year I chose to donate a bear to a very special charity Aching Arms in Jason’s name and hope a family will receive Jason’s bear and give it as much love as I have for my son. 

7) I hope that all the friends I’ve made along my journey of motherhood are given the chance to become the parents they so deserve to be. This is ongoing as I still hope all these amazing people are given this chance and send them all lots of baby dust in 2017.

8) I hope my family, friends (both on and offline) know how much I admire them and am grateful for their constant support and love.

9) I hope I can finally make hubby happy, truly happy by giving him what was stolen from him when Jason died. I have seen a huge difference in my husband, I feel like the part of him that seemed gone has started to return. I love seeing him smile and how amazing he is with Ellie. 

10) I hope that I am worthy of bringing Bean home and showing her all the love I have for her and her big brother ❤ I will ALWAYS show Ellie how much she is loved, I will always want her to know she is without a doubt my greatest achievement along with her brother.

I’m unsure as to how often I will feel able to write, it’s a therapeutic way of getting my feelings out yet I never knew how difficult it would be with a baby who doesn’t like being put down!

A x 

2 thoughts on “A New Start?

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