We’ve all got people in our lives who faded in to our past. Good friends who we no longer speak to. I have plenty of friends whos friendship fizzled out for one reason or another. This happened a lot after losing Jason. People were unsure what to do, say or how to act around me so we lost touch. On the other hand some peoples presence was so strong after Jason’s death that my relationship with them is stronger now.
I know most of my friendships fizzled out long before I even knew I’d have Jason. I’m not ashamed to say I find it very difficult to be friends with other women, and can count on one hand the women I am close to and these women have been with me for at least 10 years.
I have recently reconnected with a very close friend (the kind who drives round in their PJs to slob on your sofa) who I haven’t properly spoke to since her relationship broke up and we both wanted different things out of life and grew apart. It’s been so nice catching up, learning about her life and realising things never really change.
One thing I have been truly grateful since reconnecting is the fact that I have been able to talk about Jason. This friend wasn’t around while I was pregnant or even when I got married so she had no reason to comment on Jason’s loss when it happened but I know she has followed my journey through my grief on Instagram since then. It’s been such a lovely feeling talking about him, recognising he was here and he lived. She wasn’t afraid to ask questions other people may have shyed away from and I was happy to answer them as it cemented his short life. Nobody will ever understand how much it means to me that Jason is remembered by others, whether it’s just someone talking about him, saying his name, writing his name, any way he is shown love brings me so much happiness.
I have struggled since Ellie was born, struggled with the same questions when anyone sees or talks to me…”hows Ellie?” “Is Ellie doing well?” And the one that really hurts “keep that for when you have another” nobody speaks about Jason, nobody says that he’d have been the best big brother he could have been. People don’t think. Unless they have walked in our shoes people believe that my grief has ended because Ellie is here.
I would say my grief is worse now Ellie is here. The pictures I take constantly remind me of the 1 picture I took of Jason and it makes me feel so guilty that I wasn’t brave enough to take more. The selfies we take remind me I have no pictures of myself with my only Son. I do not plan on having more children, I am the mother to two beautiful kids and that’s what I always wanted but I am constantly reminded that everything I do with Ellie was stolen from me with Jason and I would give anything to relive those horrible moments and do things differently because then maybe I wouldn’t feel such guilt.
In the next few weeks I will be counting down to Jason’s second birthday (march really isn’t that far away) and I don’t know how I got to his second birthday so soon. Life doesn’t stop however much I wish it would. I have no idea what to do to get through/celebrate Jason’s birthday but I know the few weeks ahead are going to be my hardest yet with Ellie. She is not Jason and I never want her to be but I wish he was here with us so much. I don’t want Ellie growing up resenting him because he’s not here I just want him to be remembered and loved.
I’ve just realised I have gone off on a tangent once again and let my thoughts run away with me. I’m sorry for the babbling. I really just wanted to show how grateful I am to have reconnected with someone who has allowed me to talk about Jason and Ellie together ❤