Time.

Once again I feel like ive neglected my blog. Im finding it hard finding time to get my thoughts down before Ellie needs me again.

Time runs away with the best of us. Ellie is 16 weeks and I cant believe she has been here that long. In a months time Jason would have had his 2nd birthday. It feels like yesterday since he died and it hurts more than I like to admit. People think that because we have Ellie im no longer grieving but I will always grieve and actually I feel like my grief is stronger now she’s here and I hate myself for it. I’ve got some ideas to help me get through Jasons birthday and i’ll write about that another time soon. For now I’ll have a catch up.

Like I said Ellie is 16 weeks already and the past 16 weeks have been amazing. I dont want to blow my own trumpet but I feel like shes doing really well and Im so proud of the milestones she has already achieved. Being a mummy after losing a baby is no easy ride though and Ellie is hard work. She rarely sleeps without being held in the day, she cries constantly around tea time every night, she has had tummy pains and diarrhea since she was 2 weeks old (which is fine at the moment) and I have days where I feel like the world worst mother ever. I have times where I feel like I have failed her, a mother should know whats wrong with her child and I feel like I dont. Like I said…Worst mother ever! Yet there are so many more times where I know I am the best mummy Ellie will ever have and I know Im doing a good job, shes still here! All the bad times go away as soon as she gives me her huge smile and she giggles away but those times have been few and far between the last few weeks. To top it all off Ellie has started teething!! I never knew a baby so little could teeth but she has been since 12 weeks old which is making her even more needy. I wish I had put her down more when she was first born and maybe if I had she wouldnt need to sleep on us so much but then I needed to hold her to remind myself she is here, I still need to hold her incase she goes again. I feel like I should have all the answers being a mum but i dont. Im not good at asking for help and if im honest i dont want help, i just want to be there for my daughter. Life is too precious to waste any time away from her, not cuddling her and hearing her cry. I think I am still expecting to wake up one morning and shes not here and that thought kills me so much.

I apologise for the randomness just felt like getting things off my chest. Being Ellie and Jasons mummy is the best thing that could ever happen to me but id be lying if I said it was easy having a baby here and a baby not here. 

A xx