This week is PAL Awareness week and i have been taking part in their instagram photo challenge via my personal account. Although I have found it comforting doing something that links both my babies it has made me think so much about how little I knew about pregnancy after loss, I was extremely naive.
Right from when Jason died I knew I needed to try for another baby. It wasnt that I wanted to replace Jason, replace my grief it was that Jason needed a sibling to watch over and I needed to know that the world wasnt out to get me. I took Jasons death very personal and couldnt understand why it had happened to me when there were people worse than me who had multiple healthy babies and abused that right to have them. So a baby was needed.
We waited the usual 6 weeks before we started trying, my GP refused to give me a full 6 week checkup as my baby wasnt here (😡) so I made the decision myself that my body, mind and soul was ready. As I got caught with Jason within a month of stopping my contraception I assumed the same would happen this time. It didnt. It took us nearly a year to conceive Ellie, which I know actually isnt very long at all, and from then I started to realise just how difficult PAL would be.
I couldnt enjoy my pregnancy with Ellie, while TTC I was naive in thinking that once I was pregnant Id just be happy with all those pregnancy feelings but it was quite the opposite. It was 38 weeks of pure torture and as we’d decided not to announce our pregnancy publicly I felt very much alone in my journey as I couldnt talk to anyone who had been through loss or PAL themselves. I worried constantly, I had convinced myself that this baby was going to die too, that my body couldnt cope and that I didnt deserve children. The 38 weeks I was pregnant was spent stressed, any bit of happiness I felt when i felt those first kicka were soon gone when I remembered nothing was guaranteed.
I know how lucky I am to have had a successful pregnancy and I have Ellie in my arms but motherhood after loss is just as hard. People expect you to be okay now you have a living child. Im not. Its difficult and I wish every day that I had both my babies here and I was planning a birthday party for my 2 year old. But again, Im not and I dont.
I found PAL so hard that it has made me and my husband realise we cant go through that pain again. We cant put ourselves in that situation where another baby has died and I know this means I wont ever have more children and I am OK with this as I have the most beautiful babies already ❤ But this is how painful PAL can be, it can make you reevaluate everything.
If you would like to share your PAL Journey please feel free I would love to hear how you felt or feel.