As Mothers Day approaches I’ve been feeling out of sorts. It feels like there are so many special days at the end of this month reminding me that I have lost my Son. First there was WDSD on 21st, next there is Mothers Day on 26th (Sunday for those of you who are rubbish with dates) and then Jason’s second birthday on 29th. I think its because of thid that I am not quite myself. I can feel the wave of grief building and I am preempting it will only get worse before Wednesday comes.
Mothers Day is one of those days where you grow up and just do it. You make cards at school, your Dad takes you shopping or goes himself to get your Mum something to show her you love her. Ive never really given much thought in to how much one day can hurt someone until last year, my first Mothers Day, my Son should have been nearly 1 and yet I spent it without him. Last year made me believe I wasnt a Mum,I spent the day with my own Mum even though all I wanted to do was hide away and sob, I put my best brave face on and acted like it didnt matter. The year before Jasons due date was looming and I was so excited to become a Mum and watch our baby grow, hubby had showered me with gifts and got me a card from our Pea. This was just a few weeks before Jason was born and died and now Mothers Day will always be a reminder of a time I have lost with him.
This year is different yet I feel the same way. Yes I have Ellie and she has made all my hopes and dreams come true but at the same time I dont have Jason and my heart still aches for him. I dont think anyone will ever understand how Mothers Day feels to me unless they have lost their own child. People assume that because I have a living child that all is okay with the world. Having another child doesnt make the grief go away and it certainly wont ever make me stop loving Jason. Having Ellie makes me wonder so much more what he would have been like and I am scared that with my grief I cant be the best mummy ever to her. I realise that as she gets older I am going to have to put my brave face on and celebrate Mothers Day and im sure it will feel wonderful and as time goes by it will get easier but this year I just want to have both my babies with me.
As Mothers Day is approaching Id like to just mention a campaign that I believe has the right message. Tommy’s the baby charity have set up the campaign #WeAreAllMums and they are right. Whether you have always had perfect pregnancies and your children are safe, whether you have lost a baby either by miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, whether you are trying to conceive and whether you dont have any children but one day wish to be a Mother…you are all mothers! In my journey of grief I have been lucky to have met some amazing mothers who speak openly about their children, those who are alive and those who are playing with Jason. I believe each and every one of these woman are amazing Mothers and I feel so lucky to know them.