baby loss

Happy 2nd Birthday

To Jason,

Happy 2nd Birthday to our beautiful, cheeky special man. 

Love you to the moon and back again!

All our love Mummy, Daddy and Ellie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Today is Jason’s 2nd Birthday. Today marks 730 days without him, it marks 730 days grieving for him and for the life we dont have. 

I feel a calmness this year that i wasnt expecting and I think its because I know its just another day to get through. We spent last year smiling and having fun and thats how I want Jason to be thought of. I want his birthday to be a celebration and thats what we plan to do, not specifically on the day as Hubby is working today but around the date we want to do something special as we would have done with him ❤.

Its hard as after the first year, Ive been expected to “move on” in a way, more so when Ellie arrived. People believe that when your Rainbow arrives it fixes everything so people have the expectation that you have stopped grieving. Im not going to lie, if I didnt have Ellie I would be spending today in my PJs, probably wouldnt even get out of bed but I cant do that as things need to get done and I know she will help me get through the day with a smile. I have come to realise that this is OK, its okay to do whatever it takes to survive these days. I hate that Jason is not here. I hate that I dont get to plan a birthday party and buy him presents and a birthday cake and see him devour it like his Daddy. I hate the guilt I feel for not crumbling in the build up and for just wanting tomorrow to come. I hate that my body rejected him, that I laboured and gave birth to him yet he is not here. I hate that people think it is best to ignore the day so choose not to mention it as they are worried they will upset me. I hate that baby loss is not spoken about openly and only those in the baby loss community understand how us grieving parents feel. I hate that my husband has to work to make him feel like he can survive the day but I understand the need for him to do so. I hate that Ellie will NEVER get to meet her older brother, to have him to play with, to eventually look after him as I do with my brother, she will never have the same special bond I have with my brother and I feel so guilty for that. I hate that to have him remembered I have to write about him but I will do it because he was born and he lived and he IS my Son and I love him unconditionally just like his sister.

If anyone would like to help me celebrate Jasons birthday please go to http://www.jasonsbirthday.wordpress.com for Project 2nd birthday ❤ I would really appreciate him being thought of on his birthday.

Today the hole in my heart feels bigger and deeper and I already know Jason is being thought of. I love my children and will always talk about them both ❤

Happy birthday to anyone else whos birthday is 29th March too. Xxx

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