Life in general gets away from me at times and I find I am constantly chasing my tail and playing catch up. Since Jason’s birthday I have thrown myself in to daily life as much as possible to try and ease the grief I have been feeling. For the majority it has worked. Ive gone out daily for walks with Ellie, Ive done more housework than usual whilst trying to find a routine that works for us both.
Hubby started a new job just before Jasons birthday so I was also forced to finding a way of doing everything that we shared while he was off. Things like the housework became Lukes thing seeing as I do the night feeds with Ellie and he is better at it than I am haha he even remembers to clean the skirting board! I havent spent time with just Ellie in a while and it felt really weird. It also brought forward my grief. I knew Jasons birthday would be a day of wondering and contemplating a life I will never know but what I hadnt anticipated was that we would spend the day just like every other day. We didnt celebrate with a cake or a balloon, we made tea, had a cuppa and then went to bed. We didnt need to say anything as we knew what the other was thinking. Since that day I have felt guilt from not crying on that day. Jason is loved and missed every second so his birthday needed to be spent happy which i suppose it was.
Since then I really havent been able to just take it all in. Life has been hectic with one thing or another but it has helped as Ive felt myself ebb deeper into my grief, I know its there and I feel myself getting upset over very tiny things and reading things I know will cause me to feel sad.
I know that grief wont ever go away or fet any easier but I am dealing with it in my own way for now and trying to just get through each day without my boy.