Tonight I spent a few hours while Ellie slept sorting through her small clothes and bagging them up in to vaccuum bags until I know someone who wishes to look through them. Such a simple task and something as a parent you do all the time. Shes now in 6-9month clothes so there was quite a lot (not seen are the gender neutral clothes we have which are sorted for our cousin who is expecting their second baby).
Why has a task so simple caused me to feel so much guilt and grief? It hurt packing the clothes we brought for Jason away for a second time knowing he won’t ever get the chance to wear them. Yes Ellie wore some of his clothes but the pain is still there. The hurt of knowing my son isnt here and i wont ever get the chance to dress him or change his nappy or to even pass down his old clothes is so strong and I’m not sure that pain will ever ease.
Tonight for the first time in a long time I feel guilty. Guilty because these clothes will most likely stay in storage for a long time or eventually probably thrown away because im too busy to take them to the charity shop. Guilty because I cant ever give Ellie the younger sibling she deserves to have because pregnancy is just too hard and im scared of it all happening again. Guilty because Ellie wont have someone to pass things down to because I cant stand the thought of growing another baby to just have them die. I hate myself because regardless of my own feelings as a mother I should be putting my childrens feelings first and when shes older and asks for a baby brother or sister I just wont be able to give her that connection.
Does this make me a bad parent? Is this a normal feeling even for those parents who choose to have one child? Is it normal to feel guilty that I havent done anything in Jasons memory since October?
While sorting clothes I found listening to music from my early dating days with hubby just made me feel so many emotions…so much that usually long before 5 to 11 i am fast asleep yet tonight here I am blogging because if I dont the tears will start and I dont know whether they would stop.
Tonight is one of those nights where I feel weak, useless, angry at myself and at the world and I just want a hug. Tomorrow I know I will wear my strength of getting through today with pride and carry on. Tomorrow if someone asks if Ellie is my first child I will acknowledge my Son regardless of their feelings and regardless of my own worry of making someone feel awkward.
For tonight though I will sit with my contemplative head on wondering how different life should be with both my babies cuddled up in their beds ❤