Posted in baby loss

One step forward…

Ten steps back.

I’m going to be as honest as I ever am and admit that for a few weeks I have not been myself. Life in general has taken it’s toll on me and I could feel myself spinning in a downwards spiral not sure whether I was going to be able to pick myself up. I was finding it harder to hide how I was feeling and people were starting to notice, my mask had started to disappear and I wasn’t able to hide away.

There have been so many contributions to how i’ve been feeling lately, obviously grief is always there but I have been missing Jason so much and not being able to deal with my own grief has been hard for me. Ways I normally find helpful have just made me worse and I’ve had to develop new strategies to get me through it. I’ve also been bothered by the fact that for 2 years now Jason’s ashes have remained separated, when he had been cremated we chose a beautiful silver trinket box as we were told there wouldn’t be many ashes yet when we came to pick them up they told me that his ashes didn’t fit in the tiny box so they gave us an urn with the rest in them. For over a year now I’ve been toying with what to do with them, how to make him complete again and still haven’t found a way (I don’t like jewellery and hubby doesn’t like the idea of a bear ¬_¬) and this has been bothering me a lot lately. Mix that with my total lack of sleep, trying to fit in so much in a day and starting to think about my return to work my mood just went further and further down.

I have even been quiet on my Instagram account which is VERY unusual for me!

I had started to think that maybe my mood wasn’t just me, maybe I was developing Postnatal Depression, maybe it was just Depression, maybe I am just grieving deeper than I have in a long time. I toyed with the idea of speaking to my GP however I hate the doctors so that thought was quickly dis-guarded. So I left it until my husband decided enough was enough and we sat down and had a proper adult conversation about everything.

For the past week I have been feeling a bit more myself, I haven’t felt guilty when I’ve smiled or laughed, I’ve not got angry when Ellie wakes for the billionth time in the space of 3 hours and I’ve had so much more patience with life itself. I have reminded myself that I am a good mum and I am trying my very best which sometimes is too much and I need to start taking time for myself. Returning to my blog will hopefully give me that me time that I need. I enjoy writing even if nobody ever reads it. I have started looking at #thebookofhappiness too written by Lizzie Cornwall and the little quotes in there give me the extra boost I sometimes need.


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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