August 19th in the babyloss community is A Day of Hope. Last year I wrote a post about what I hoped the following months and year would bring.
I didnt feel hopeful, my hopes had been shattered when Jason died and I was struggling to feel anything other than anxiety about my growing Ellie belly that hope was non existent.
When your baby dies you dont know anything else, so when you are pregnant again all you know and feel is that babies die and your chances of bringing this baby home is very slim.
The definition of hope is: a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.
19th August brings A Day Of Hope which is a day where you are encouraged to break the silence around baby loss. Whether that is a miscarriage, a stillbirth or infant loss. I am not afraid to openly talk about my son who was born, lived and died on the same day nor am I afraid to talk about my loss. Jason’s story is still one of my favourite stories to tell, the ending isnt happy but, as most of us know, not all stories have a happy ending.
I no longer allow myself to get hopeful, I prepare for the worst and expect little more from life because the worst happened to me and life can and does screw you over multiple times so why wouldnt it happen again?
Today on August 19th the only thing I hope for is to be the best Mum to both my children. To shower Ellie (my rainbow) with all the love I have and to continue to talk about Jason, no matter how awkward it makes others because he is my first child and he will always be loved as much as Ellie is.
I wish that today brings hope to so many of you reading this.
Mothering A Rainbow 