life after loss · motherhood · mothering a rainbow · mummy blog · parenting · parenting after loss · rainbow baby · Uncategorized

Photographs.

From the day Ellie was born me and my husband decided that we didn’t want her pictures plastered all over the internet.

This seemed like an easy decision with how horrible the world is and how easily things can be ‘shared’ to people you don’t know and although we’ve been under a lot of scutiny over the fact that other people want to show her off to the world and they dont fully understand our true reasoning behind the decision we have managed to keep to it.

I find this so difficult because as her mum I am so proud of her and think she is the most gorgeous girl ever (I realise I am biased but ginger hair and blue eyes is a drop dead combo in my books 😍) so naturally I want to show her off yet the ugliness of parenting after loss reminds me of how I felt when I would see other babies and I would never want to make someone else feel that bad.

When Jason died I only took one picture, I didnt want pictures of my dead baby, I wanted him alive and screaming and when he wasnt the last thing I wanted was a reminder of how that felt. Obviously I was naive as no picture would ever just be a reminder because I will never forget how that felt. I wish I had more pictures, I wish I had one of me holding him, of his dad holding him, of all of our hands together but I don’t. I have a picture that was taken in haste just seconds before we had to leave him and a few that the bereavement team at our local hospital took which I will always be grateful for. So when it comes to Ellie I take more pictures than I probably should, my phone and laptop is full of Ellie and the few of Jason I have. Its the only way my babies will ever be together, as a collage on my phone. To anyone who asks for pictures I send them, I am happy to share her to anyone who asks because she is my daughter but I can’t share pictures of Jason because I know the stigma around baby loss is still prominent and I wouldn’t cope if someone was to criticise him.

I couldnt bear the thought that my Son was thought of negatively when he was so pure and innocent and didnt get a chance to see the world. He doesn’t deserve that and unfortunately I have seen it happen so many times.

Ellie is my ray of sunshine, she literally brightens my day and has healed my heart in ways I couldnt begin to describe. Having her pictures not shared doesn’t show I love her any more or any less than any other parent who does choose to share their children. I love seeing other people, who I am so lucky to call friends, celebrate their babies and rainbows, in fact I envy that they do post.

I love Ellie being the #facelessbaby in all my instagram posts ❤

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