Illness.

Babies, children and adults get ill. That is a fact that everyone knows but when you are parenting after baby loss, parenting through grief and trying to cope with your own emotions these illnesses can feel so much worse than they really are.

Okay, I dont think that any parent hasnt dealt with a poorly baby in their lifetime, I am actually surprised that we have gone so long without Ellie being under the weather.

Even writing this I know I must sound like a paranoid, overactive mother who is a bit of a hypochondriac. For the past few days Ellie hasnt been herself, she has been more clingy, whiney and not as happy in general. I knew she was possibly coming down with something but also knew it could be linked to that top tooth that has poked its way through her sore gums. Unfortunately the other night we found out it wasnt just her being grumpy but that she had a bit of a tummy bug and lots of diarrhea (sorry for the overshare but all parents discuss their childrens toilet habits right?) In the space of 2 hours I had already changed two nappies and knew that wasnt the end of it. Yesterday we were woken at 5 to the usual sound of Ellies screaming but when I went it to soothe her she was covered and definitely needed a bath. I decided the only place for me was home with my baby and called in sick to work. I know she would have been fine at my mums but in my head she was ill and the grieving mother in me needed to reassurance herself that my baby wasnt dieing which meant staying with her and checking on her constantly. I honestly thought that these feelings would go as Ellie got older but the more time I spend with her the more I am convinced something will happen to take her away from us. The fear of losing a baby that I have bonded with for nearly a year outside of the womb grows more every day. I find this difficult to admit as I know people wouldnt truly understunderstand why I think like this but living life after such a significant loss is a rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing makes sense, as I watched Ellie sleep tonight I tried to make sense of how she is here and we get to shower her with all the love she deserves yet Jason wasnt given a chance. Life is unfair and it sucks.

Ellie is on the mend and much happier in herself but we’ve still got a few days of some atrocious nappies before she is clear of this bug. I hate seeing her poorly but am comforted in knowing that she is Ok and it is nothing lots or cuddles and rest cant fix.

If only broken hearts could be healed in this way too.