The first time we saw you.
I’m the first to tell people I hate FaceBook. I created a new private account just so I could keep up with groups/pages I liked without being hit by unwanted posts or conversations with people. I have since reactivated my old fb account to plan Ellies 1st birthday and send out the invites (electronically because I am cheap and skint and of cause to save the planet 😝).
I went on at the weekend as it was my cousins wedding reception and I was planning on uploading a couple of pictures. I was then floored by what greeted me when I signed in.
**On this day**
7th October 2014: Our 12 week scan. The day we told my brother he was to become an uncle. The day I shared the video telling the world we were going to be parents.
We didnt know then what we would go through. We didnt know your gender or what day you would be born. We didnt know the pain we would feel. For a second all I could remember was the joy and love we felt. We were shocked to find out we were expecting so soon but oh how we wanted you so badly. We were ready to be parents.
I watched that video in silence with the sound off. I couldn’t bear to hear the happiness in our voices or the excitement in my brothers but I couldnt turn it off. As painful as it was it was one of the first memories I have of you and one I had forgotten. We were so innocent, so not ready to deal with the loss of you. I dont think anyone is ever ready for something like this. We knew then how perfect you would be and for another 24 weeks we were blissfully unaware of what was to come.
It seems apt that this week is also Babyloss Awareness Week, I have been active in sharing our story and wanting to break the silence. My son was alive and died. I want him to be spoken of and loved just as if he was here. He may have died but my memories and my love for him never will.
It hurts, I seem to be struggling really bad at the minute and feel like I am becoming quite reclusive, I know this will pass but for now I know I need to make more time for my family and to deal with my grief. This is my self-care, to allow myself time to grieve and talk about Jason.
It feels like I will never remember the innocence and naivety of that day. I wont ever be that person but I dont want to ever deny my son the right to an existence.
I would love to hear about your babies too. #saytheirname and say it loud.
Mothering A Rainbow 