Posted in grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

Ellie ❤

Yesterday I shared how I became a mum. Jason made me a mum whether he was here or not. No matter what anyone else thinks or believes I am his mum and he will always be my son.

I also wanted to share Ellies story because she is just as important as Jason is and she deserves to have her story heard too. That and I’m feeling quite low and know writing about a positive situation will help.

Ellies story starts pretty much where Jason’s ended. We were asked whether I wanted to start contraception and I declined. I guess I knew that if we had waited we may never try for another baby. We waited the 6 weeks that we were told to and then once I had been given the go ahead we started trying for baby number 2. I know that another baby was never going to fix it

A rainbow will never take away the storm but it will bring joy when it has passed

Nothing can take away my pain but in the early stages of grief I guess I had wished that by gettinf pregnant again I could bring Jason back again and everything would be better. Those thoughts are obviously overwrought with grief and before anyone starts to worry I know I cant bring him back.

Anyway, it took 11 months for us to finally get that positive pregnancy test, 7th March 2016, 22 days before Jasons first birthday and the day after Mothers Day. My period was due on Mothers Day but I was so worried a test would be negative that I couldnt bear to try.

My pregnancy with Ellie was very similar to Jasons, no morning sickness, no cravings, no issues. We were under the consultant however only saw him a handful of times as I was constantly reminded I was only there because of my previous loss and my actual pregnancy was normal. We had extra scans to check she was in the right position and growing well and opted for a gender scan at a local 4d clinic as I couldnt bear the thought of not knowing this time round and not being more prepared. During an 8 week scan we were told that I was expecting twins, however one of the fetus’ had stopped growing at 7weeks5days meaning it was just a tiny little pip before it was gone. I found this news hard, to me it was another loss and a prediction of what was to happen. I tried to remain positive though and thought that if that baby had grown Ellie would have had less chance of surviving.

Pregnancy after loss is hard. On your emotions and your well being in particular. I spent the first 35 weeks waiting for the 35 week mark, in my head wondering whether we would make it or whether 35 weeks would be when I lose her. Once we hit 35 weeks I became more anxious than ever, worrying constantly about what would happen if I laboured at home. Would hubby be able to deal with labour all over again? Would I recognise the signs this time round? Its safe to say I was a basketcase but to the outside world I remained calm.

During my last consultant appointment at 36 weeks I pushed for them to let me be induced, I couldnt be left at home waiting for a labour like Jasons to happen. I needed reassurance that things would be different and the consultant agreed that I could be induced at 37 and 1/2 weeks but stressed they would rather I was 38 weeks, we agreed to 38 weeks as what difference would a few days make, to me the worst was going to happen anyway.

I arrived at the hospital on 31st October 2016, Halloween, at 2pm. We were given a room of our own as the nurse had read my notes and wanted us to feel comfortable and understood how other pregnant women might bother us. We didnt ask for this I was quite happy on the ward but found that actually the side room was so needed and meant we could process everything happening without strangers knowing our history. The process went smoothly, 1ml of pessary at 4pm and I had started labour by 10pm when they were going to give me another dose. We were told it would be a wait for the labour ward and hubby was given a bed for the night. Again this is unusual for an average labour but the staff were so accommodating. By midnight we were moved to the labour ward where things were moved on quite quickly. At 3am my labour had kicked off big time and I was told I could have some pethidine to help with the pain. Ellie was spine to spine which im told is more painful than an ordinary inducement so my contractions were more painful. I couldnt stand or sit. Once again I laboured very quickly and by the time the midwife was back with the drugs there was no time to have them. Typical!!

Ellie was born at 4:04am weighing 6lbs 2ozs. Her cord was around her neck slightly so I am so glad we decided on early induction otherwise her story may have been so different. I held her as soon as she was born, such a strange feeling watching this new baby staring at me with such wide eyes. I was deprived of that with Jason and I will always be grateful to that midwife who didnt ask if I wanted her cleaning up before I held her. She just knew.

Now I have 2 very special babies and a special little pip that have given my life a new purpose and being a mum to both of them fills my with so much pride.



Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.