Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

It isn’t always best to think with your heart.

Poor Ellie has been so poorly since Sunday morning.

We woke Sunday morning at a great time of 7:20am which for us is a huge lie in as Ellie is usually awake at 6am. As it was the weekend Hubby went in to get Ellie up, she was happily sat in her cot waving. She hadnt been awake long as I usually hear her playing. Hubby went in to find she had been sick at some point in the night and as she didnt cry we didnt wake up. She must have fallen back to sleep afterwards as she was covered in it. Poor little madam wasnt herself so we bathed her and let her play with her bathtoys while I sorted out the mountain of sick washing that I now needed to do.

She didnt seem quite herself all day, more clingy than usual and very pale. She wasnt able to drink her milk in the morning and was sick all over hubby. As she wasnt sick again, we gave her some Rich Tea Biscuits (dairy free!) to try as she had had nothing to eat all morning. She managed 2 biscuits and kept them down. She perked up a bit in the afternoon but was then sick in the evening. (More washing yay! 😳) I felt so helpless all day as all she wanted was Daddy cuddles.

When this morning arrived I didnt want to leave her at my mums. I know that work is important but the idea of leaving my poorly baby was heartbreaking. When it was decided my Mum would look after Ellie whilst I worked it made sense that it was a familiar place for when Ellie was ill and I wouldnt have to miss work. When this decision was made I hadnt realised how hard it would be. Ellie was clingy again all morning and I kept talking myself into taking the day off but I dropped her off at my mums and left for work.

Im not sure whether this is linked to losing Jason or whether Id have worried regardless but my rational thinking had left me and my emotions ran away with me. I was convinced, driving to work, that Ellie was dying. My last chance of seeing her had gone and I didnt spend it with her. I worried that she wasnt just poorly and I would get a phonecall saying I had lost her. I know that she has a tummy bug but at the same time when it comes to my own babies when they are poorly it results in death. I dont know any different so of cause I am going to worry. Jason was poorly and therefore he died, I am still not convinced that Ellie is here for keeps and probably wont ever be convinced. I cried on the way to work and I almost cried when I picked her up.

I hope that as time goes on these thoughts become less and less. Someone tell me I can think rationally again where Ellie is concerned? I never imagined that parenting could be so difficult at times.

This afternoon we came straight home, cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket and watched NowTV films. We watched the end of Moana, the start of Nightmare Before Christmas (before it made E jump out of her skin) and Christmas with the Kranks. A perfect afternoon just me and my poorly girl making sure she is feeling better. Tonight she had eaten a piece of toast so fingers crossed it is passing now.

I found this quote online earlier which seemed to jump out at me. I definitely think with my emotions sometimes ❤


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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