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New year, new me?

For those I haven’t spoken to yet this year HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone’s Christmas was good and for those in the baby loss club I hope it was gentle for you.

Christmas for us was pretty ordinary, family came round, Ellie not spoilt and I drank slightly more prosecco than normal (I don’t drink so one glass is slightly more than normal 😝). This year was our second Christmas with Ellie and our third without Jason and if I am honest this year felt like the hardest yet. It became so obvious to me while Ellie was attempting to open presents that Jason would have been a cheeky little boy who would have been starting to understand Christmas more and for me that gave me a pain in my heart I hadn’t felt in a while. Going back to a previous post the words “what” and “if” are two words as non-threatening as words can be by put them together and they have so much power. 

Ellie found this year quite overwhelming and because of that has been quite difficult at times. Since we have taken a step back and relaxed more she has been so much happier so we have made the resolution that we will try and relax more and not stress about things that can wait until tomorrow.

On the subject of resolutions has anyone made any? As a rule I don’t, years ago I would use it to try and get the diet started or to make myself feel better but I have never stuck to one. I resolve that I will continue to be the best mummy, wife, person I can be and I can only be who I am so surely I can’t fail.

Tomorrow we have hubbys first ever counselling session and I’m quite nervous as to how that will go. Obviously I want it to go well, id love to get him back but neither of us will ever be the person we used to be and I will love him regardless. I think I’m putting a lot of pressure on him to make it work,for us, for Ellie but for Jason too. He deserves to be spoken about but I can’t talk about him at home, maybe this is why blogging has been such a release for me. The only outcome that I want from this is for him to be able to say his name out loud not to anyone else but to me. 

Anyway I’ve probably rambled enough and hubby is playing Telltale Batman and I wanna watch.



Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

2 thoughts on “New year, new me?

  1. This 3rd year without Averie was extremely hard too so I can completely relate there. The “what if’s” are so painful to think about but when you are watching one of your children grow fully knowing you’ll never see the other one grow it’s a gut punch for sure. Big hugs momma hope your husband’s therapy goes well xx

    Liked by 1 person

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