As Mothers Day approaches tomorrow, I’ve been feeling out of sorts. It feels like there are so many special days at the end of this month reminding me that I have lost my Son. Alongside Mother’s Day there is WDSD on 21st and then Jason’s second birthday on 29th. I think its because of this that I am not quite myself. I can feel the wave of grief building and I am preempting it will only get worse before the end of the month.
Mothers Day is one of those days where you grow up and just do it. You make cards at school, your Dad takes you shopping or goes himself to get your Mum something to show her you love her. Ive never really given much thought in to how much one day can hurt someone until my first Mothers Day, my Son should have been nearly 1 and yet I spent it without him. That year made me believe I wasnt a Mum,I spent the day with my own Mum even though all I wanted to do was hide away and sob, I put my best brave face on and acted like it didnt matter. The year before Jasons due date was looming and I was so excited to become a Mum and watch our baby grow, hubby had showered me with gifts and got me a card from our Pea. This was just a few weeks before Jason was born and died and now Mothers Day will always be a reminder of a time I have lost with him.
Last year was different yet I felt the same way. Yes I have Ellie and she has made all my hopes and dreams come true but at the same time I dont have Jason and my heart still aches for him. We spent last year having lunch at my parents with my grandparents as Luke was working and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with Ellie. I dont think anyone will ever understand how Mothers Day feels to me unless they have lost their own child. People assume that because I have a living child that all is okay with the world. Having another child doesnt make the grief go away and it certainly wont ever make me stop loving Jason. Having Ellie makes me wonder so much more what he would have been like and I am scared that with my grief I cant be the best mummy ever to her. I realise that as she gets older I am going to have to put my brave face on and celebrate Mothers Day and im sure it will feel wonderful and as time goes by it will get easier but this year I just want to have both my babies with me.
Mother’s Day is and always will be a reminder of a time where I felt like a fraud and I feel like I don’t deserve to celebrate as the reason I became a mum isn’t here to prove it. Its a weird feeling and completely irrational now Ellie is here but part of me still feels like I can’t be a mum if Jason isn’t here.
Over on IG the lovely Steph at Don’t Buy Her Flowers has started a giveaway and to enter you must write about when you became a mother. As I have entered and shared a picture of those tiny hands and feet I thought I would share it here too.
29th March 2015 was the day i really did become a mother. But it wasnt what i expected at all. I learnt that not all babies came home. Not all babies who were born alive stayed alive. I learnt that it was obviously a common thing to happen as I was given a memory box that others had clearly been given in the past and unfortunately will also be given in the future. I learnt how it felt to be alone. I was thrown in at the deep end of the shittest creek ever and I didnt have a paddle. On that day I learnt that bad things happen to good people, death happens when you least expect it and that no matter how wanted our baby was it didnt mean we got to keep him.
I learnt that I could feel so much love and pride for my poorly little boy who i want to believe tried so hard to stay. The first time I help him was when I felt like a mum for the first time and I wanted nothing more than to protect him and everyone else around him from the pain I was feeling. When I became a mother I didnt feel like me any more, I didnt want to be me any more, I wanted to be the Mum washing bottles and being peed on and having to wake up every hour because I was needed. When I became a mother that was all taken away from me and instead I spent most of my time alone, sitting in what she have been Jasons nursery begging for this not to be my life. When I became a mother I was given the greatest gift ever of being Jason’s Mummy❤
The time I first felt like a mother was completely different. It wasn’t the day Jason or Ellie was born, it wasn’t what I would have expected either. When Ellie was born I still didn’t feel like a mum, I’d given birth to two alive children and although this baby was crying her heart out I was still expecting the midwife to tell me something was wrong so I couldn’t feel like her mum. The first time I felt like a mum was a couple of days after bringing Ellie home, our midwife had been the day before and was happy with how we were doing. The next day a different midwife arrived, not having read our notes we had to explain how Ellie wasn’t our first child or pregnancy and this midwife told us Ellie was Jaundice and this midwife was quite scary in how she described it and honestly made me think she was going to die. That was the moment I first felt like a mum, a time where I knew there is no way I could survive losing another baby, I waited for her to leave and then sobbed holding a very unaware Ellie, desperately not wanting to lose her. At that moment I felt like I knew that I must do anything I could to keep her safe and not let the nasty lady (haha) the her from me.
From talking to other mums and discussing mental health I realised that not all mums first feel like a mum when their baby is first born, as much as they love and want that child,it can take a moment to feel that motherly instinct and that is okay! I felt ashamed that I hadn’t got the natural feeling I assumed everyone got when holding a baby for the first time but after everything we went through I know it was a natural way for me to learn how to deal with this new situation I was in.
For all those Mummy’s, whether your children are with you tomorrow or they are somewhere else I hope you make some time for some self care and to remember you are the best mums to ALL your babies ❤ Happy mothers day ❤