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Jason is 3!

To start with I want to say Happy Birthday to the boy who made me a Mum, who  showed me what true love is and made me a stronger person.

3 years. I feel so far away from Jason, 3 years is a long time to live without someone you love and I find the day he was born feels so distant. So much has happened to our family and yet nothing for Jason has changed and I hate that so much. 

There is nothing I wouldn’t do to have you here celebrating with us today. 7:36am you were born breathing and then suddenly you werent and the hardest thing I have ever done is carry on breathing when you couldn’t. I would give my life for you to live yours.

“What” and “if” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

I will always wonder who you would be now and how different our lives would be. Would we be getting you ready for nursery? Would you be able to go to a mainstream nursery? Would you say mama and daddy yet? Would your speech be delayed because of your DS? Your DS makes so many milestone questions harder to think about as I know things would be delayed and there is no guidelines for a baby/toddler with down syndrome. 

I will always feel guilty that I couldn’t do anything to save you. I will always blame myself because you are gone and I will always feel angry because this happened to us, to you and I will never know why we deserved such heartbreak. But I will always love you, talk about you and share you with the world. 

This year I had to work, I’ve never had to work it before and wasn’t sure if I’d make it but I got there, I did my job and I survived. I knew it was the best thing I could do to break the cycle because honestly if Jason had lived I would be working anyway. I was so worried about how people would be around me but I was so overwhelmed with how many people remembered and weren’t afraid to talk, give me a hug and some got us daffodils to show they cared. I am so grateful I work with and know some wonderful people. 

I have carried a lot of guilt today due to my own feeling. In all honesty I have felt okay. There have been a couple of times where I have felt sad and thoughtful but I haven’t cried and I feel like I have failed him for carrying on with a normal Thursday. I miss him every day and think about him always, I cry every so often and grief hits me when I’m not expecting it to but today it didn’t and it doesn’t make me feel great. 

Jason, you are the brightest 🌟 in my sky and we will celebrate you. Mummy, Daddy and Ellie love you to infinity and beyond baby boy 💜

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