Today is #nationalsiblingday and as much as I like to celebrate my own brother (Instagram Post) it also feels like another reminder that Ellie won’t get to have the same bond with her own sibling(s) and once again I feel the sharp, tight pain in my chest when I think about what we lost when Jason died.
You see, we didn’t just lose our Son when Jason died; we lost hope and faith that we could endure pregnancy and the possibility of another baby dying again and when Ellie was born healthy and very much alive we decided we were done. We couldn’t go through the uncertainty again and we couldn’t deal with another loss. Me and hubby both felt the same and although I know the decision is the best for us and our family it also makes me feel so guilty that Ellie will never have a living siblings like we both do.
When Jason died, Ellie lost her brother too and one day I am going to have to explain to her why she can’t have a brother or sister as most “only children” ask. She may not ever understand why and that hurts already. Ellie will never have that bond with her brother like I have. I will never get to listen to them arguing about who’s turn it is on the PlayStation or who ate the last packet of crisps. I won’t ever get to hear them playing happily together or here her sticking up for her big brother. I feel so lucky to have the relationship with my brother that I do and I know that is mostly down to him having Down Syndrome, something Ellie should be experiencing too.
Not many people know this but when we went for an early scan with Ellie we found out she was a twin, however at 7 weeks 5 days that twin decided to join their brother and give Ellie the best chance of surviving. Another sibling that should have been but I find this loss easier to grieve for as I know Ellie may not be here now if her twin was poorly like Jason. I should have 3 babies to celebrate national sibling day and I don’t and it sucks!