Posted in grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

18 months of Ellie.

Hello May!

I’m not going to lie, March and April were tough months for me; so many anniversaries linked to Jason which brought mixed emotions. I feel that by grieving for Jason more than usual I havent been able to mother Ellie as well as I would have liked either. I’ve said it many times but parenting after loss really is a rollercoaster in itself. The constant guilt is enough to drive a sane person crazy in my opinion.

Anyway, here is May and with it brings a new milestone in our family; 18 months of our little ray of sunshine and what an amazing 18 months it has been. I have got to the part of motherhood where I miss those newborn days. The ones where I would be able to lie with Ellie and watch her sleep, the days were we would play under her play gym for what seemed like hours. Okay so I never got a hot cuppa and we rarely ate our tea warm but they were such wonderful days. Yes I miss them but only because I know I will never experience them again and I’m happy knowing I got to experience them at all.

However, seeing the little person Ellie has grown up to be makes me even more grateful for the little girl I know is all mine. She has so much character even at 18 months. I have never really appreciated how much they know at 18 months. Ellie is now aware of when we aren’t with her and panics if she cant see one of us, she responds to ddirections; sits, lies down, goes to bed everything we ask she is learning to just do. She throws and kicks a ball happily and could spend ages playing with her ball and goal. Her favourite word is goal! Ellie also loves her tea set and kitchen. She pretends to feed her dolls and teddies and offers us tea from her tea pot too. It amazes me that pretend play is learnt so early on yet children seem to lose it quicker now too.

For me the biggest development in Ellie is her speech. We had her 12 month health review in February (at 15 months!!!) and I remember telling a HV how I was concerned Ellies speech wasnt developing. By 15 months she would only say go, goal and mama. She wouldnt say dada at all and was only beginning to babble. As with everything I was told to just wait and see what happens in the next few months. In just 3 months time she is communicating more, she says more words and is using gestures to tell us what she wants too. She now says dad happily and knows the difference between us, she says cup, yeah, no, goal, lets go, cat, dog and woof. For me this has been the biggest milestone so far as I was so worried about it. We have worked hard reading books with her daily to try and help develop her speech and not only has it helped but she has such a love for reading now too. We read the same book 4 or 5 times sometimes 🙈.

I cant believe we’ve known her for a year and a half. She makes me smile and cry, I worry about her, I want to be with her all the time. I want to be around to watch her grow more and more. I am so excited to see where the next half of the year takes us.

Collage 2018-05-01 16_01_42


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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