Usually when someone dies their memory lives on in stories, in their family and their friends memories. Their name is still spoken, maybe less than before but it is socially acceptable to talk about them because they lived. So why is it still socially unacceptable to speak the names of babies/children who have died? Society is still unable to deal with the awkwardness this may cause so chooses not to speak about it. This isnt okay, it shouldnt be happening in a world where science and technology and intellect is so highlt regarded yet I also understand that for some it is too painful to hear their childs name, to go over the events that happened before the death or stillbirth of their own child. For some parents they choose not to acknowledge it happened; to never sjpw accept to the outside world that their own lives have crumbled due to the unthinkable happening.
I love hearing Jason’s name, I love writing it down, acknowledging his life in some way. If it was solely up to me my walls would be covered with his beautiful face. I dont always write his name in cards but always acknowledge him with a star. He is my son and I will always try to include him when I can.
This post isnt about me though; its about those who struggle with speaking their name and to show that this is also okay. There is such wonderful things happening in the baby loss community lately which is amazing and is forcing people to open up and I worry that those parents who arent quite there yet will feel like they are failing somehow.
Personally, I know that even after 3 years of grieving for Jason my husband has only once spoke his name. When Jason was born we didnt know the gender, we didnt have any top names picked out, we had 5 weeks to make a decision but those 5 weeks never came and when asked what to call our son we didnt have any idea. The second time the nurse asked Luke said Jasons name, we hadnt discussed it, i didnt get a say but it was perfect. He had his Daddys middle name and the link that his Daddy will cherish forever. There is no doubt in my mind that Luke loves Jason, he grieves so hard because of his love and it breaks my heart that he suffers so much. Luke has not said his name since. He doesnt acknowledge jason on cards, we only have 1 picture of Jason on the wall as Luke cant look at any other picture. Not through disgust or anything but because he misses him so badly. We have not spoken about the day Jason was born very often in the past 3 years and as much as i love telling people about my son, it hurts Luke and I would never want to see that hurt in him again.
I dont feel like I know the full story of Jasons birth, i dont feel like i way there in an odd sort of way and i wish i could ask him what happened but he knows far more than i do and through his need to protect me he deals with that trauma on his own.
This isnt healthy by any means but for Luke this is how he grieves. He is a quiet, sensitive person who only ever wants the best for his family. By not being able to talk about Jason doesnt mean he doesnt love him and think about him all the time; i think to some if a childs death isnt spoken of they think the parents have forgotten or moved on from it but they havent…its just too painful for them to even start to articulate how they feel. People grieve so differently and thats okay.
I have spoken to many bereaved parents who have had counselling to help them with their grief and have said how helpful it is to talk things through. I havent had counselling; for me writing and instagramming are like counselling. It helps me in ways i dont think a counsellor would. However just after christmas Luke began counselling through Hope House. Im not sure what is said but i have seen a huge difference in him. He is opening up more, he tells me when its a bad day and im not scared to mention jason around him like I was before.
Today we took Ellie to Wonderland Telford for a walk and to see the fairytale scenes. It was such a lovely family day out (which I will write a review about sometime soon!) and while we were there Luke wrote our names on a chalkboard.
This isnt anything special; just my family written on a chalkboard. Just the first time Luke has even written Jasons name, the first time he has included Jason without it being too difficult. People find it hard to understand why writing something chalk would mean so much to me and I hope those people will never understand how hard it is living without one of their children.
To anyone who isnt able to talk about their child/baby please know it is okay. You are not alone but know when you are ready their is support there.