Lately I have been feeling like I am constantly juggling everything in one hand. Being a mum is wonderful and I have waited so long to hear my name shouted out but when your child is as clingy as mine is it all starts to get a bit much. Add that to working part time with a child on the asd spectrum, a husband who struggles to function himself sometimes due to ptsd and a long list of jobs that need doing I am surprised I didnt lose my shit sooner.
I love my job, I have been a special support assistant for nearly 10 years and have worked on a 1:1 basis with many children with different needs. I love the satisfaction you get from helping a child who needs that bit more support, knowing you are building the stepping stones for their adult life. However I currently feel like a babysitter and I am starting to question whether I can do this another year and I feel awful for thinking that. Maybe a few years ago Id have been able to have the patience to deal with the unpredictableness of work but when you have an 18 month old who NEVER slept through the night and wants your attention 24/7 it becomes much harder to have the patience all the time.
It also dawned oonme recently that Ellie really doesnt spend any time on her own. She wakes up in our bed, she then goes to my mums who stays with her all morning and she sleeps in the living room with her. I pick her up and im with her until luke comes home. Luke stays with her while i sort tea and baths and lunches and then one of us has to stay with her under she eventually falls asleep. Its currently 8:45pm and she is still struggling to sleep so im sat on the floor waiting. Ellie spends around 4 hours in her own bed before she wakes up and gets in with us and that isnt really alone time either as she is asleep. It really starts to grind you down. I think every one needs time to unwind and destress after a busy day and lately I dont feel like I get that at all. I feel selfish for even wanting time to myself. Mum guilt plays a huge part in how i think and how i parent and i know this is all our own doing by not being able to let Ellie “cry it out” but still is 5 minutes peace too much to ask?