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It’s Okay

It’s okay to not enjoy every bit of motherhood. It’s okay to sometimes lose your shit. Being a parent is much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

Today was one of those particularly hard days where I have lost it. After having a morning at work that went relatively well (the child I support joined in with sports day, ate her lunch with everyone else and played outside!) I then picked Ellie up to find her asleep so I had to wait which was fine as she woke up about 10 minutes later anyway. She cried from the minute she woke up, proving to me she was still tired so I rushed her to the car in the hopes she would sleep on the way home…no luck there.

She then continued to moan and cry from there. She has refused to eat her tea but managed a mini milk and she got so worked up she has been sick. I decided to try and lie with her in my bed as this sometimes helps settle her and we watched 6 episodes of Waffle the Wonder Dog until she cried for Daddy and wanted to come back downstairs…her sleep routine has been nonsexistant due the heatwave so she hasnt been falling asleep until at least 9pm sometimes 11pm 🙈.

I feel like such an awful mum because she has really worn me down tonight and hubby hasnt been much help…however saying that he is currently upstairs with the little cherub trying to get her to sleep now.

Ellie is also developing anxiety when I drop her off for work in a morning which also isnt helping my mental state! She clings on with such force and cries for me and it really pulls at my heart, I drove to work this morning in tears because she was crying at the window. I wouldnt mind but she stays with my mum and has done for a year now! I keep telling myself it is a normal toddler behaviour but it still kills me every time she does it.

I am not embarrassed to say I find being Ellies mama hard, partly because I cant mother Jason like I want to but also because she is difficult too. I just hope that she remembers me with all the loving moments we have together rather than the times that I havent been the most patient.


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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