Posted in motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

Take a deep breath

It’s just a bad day.

Not a bad life.

Today has been tough. Bank holiday monday and the last week of the summer holidays and I was so looking forward to spending some quality time at home with Ellie before work starts next week but she seemed to have other ideas.

Ellie spent the entire day with my parents yesterday as they havent seen her as much with us both being off for the Summer and I knew she would love the time away from us. This made me look forward to a day of cuddles, maybe a film, some games and lots of smiles however Ellie has done nothing but scream since about 11am. She finally settled for a nap after 45 minutes but that didnt last longer than half hour. Since she woke up she continued to cry and she got herself so worked up nothing could bring her out of it, i managed to calm her for lunch but once she had eaten she started again. She’s not ill, wasnt hungry or thirsty and she was having all the hugs i could give her without her pushing me away.

It wasnt until nearly 4pm when she had finally started to feel a bit happier but by that point I had been completely broken and after leaving her in her room to “cry it out” (which i physically struggle with so much and hated myself for doing!!) i sat on the bottom stair sobbing. I feel completely worn out, I feel like my insticts as a mother are crap and I have NO idea what I am doing. I cant understand why she only acts this why for us as she is golden with others.

Hubby had offered to get one of our mums to have her for a couple of hours break but to me that is a complete fail, if I can’t cope with her at her very worst how can I justify being her mama when its all okay? How would I have coped with her and Jason had life not been so shit. I couldn’t stand the thought that anyone else knew how much I struggle so I had to just wait for it to end. I know I am not the only mum whos felt this way and it is at these times that I wonder whether I suffer with some sort of post natal depression or whether I struggle due to grief/ptsd/lack of confidence.


I am hoping for a better day tomorrow so we can go out and erase today with happier memories.

I am just trying to remind myself that although today has been hard tomorrow has so much potential to be better ❤


Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

One thought on “Take a deep breath

  1. It can be so different to keep perspective when you’re struggling. I commend you for your effort. Also, well written piece. From the beginning, I was grabbed. I really felt like I was there with you. I wish you many happy days in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

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