1258 days. Thats how long I have had to go on without you. I can’t say ive lived each day but I am surviving although I have no idea how.
I think for the majority of the time I am able to control my grief, I have blips where I get upset, days where I have no motivation because whats the point when you have gone and constant times when i think of you and wonder who you would have been. There is no doubt you are always in the front of my mind and my heart still hurts because I miss you so much.
But how do I cope when the pain just feels too bad, when the wave of grief feels too raw? How do I stay strong when realisation hits and suddenly I am thrown back to hearing those words that killed me inside “we did everything we could but im sorry…”
Jason, losing you meant I lost so many other parts of being your mum and that pain in my heart wont ever go away. While others excitedly shared their first born in their new uniform on their first day of school it hit me that I wont ever get to do that with you. I knew this year wouldn’t be your first day at school but it is the year we should have been applying for your school place, I already know you’d have needed to go to a special needs school and I would have loved sending you to the same school your uncle went to. I already know you’d have loved school so much just like me. I know I would have been THAT mum sharing her proud pictures and getting involved as much as I could. I know it would have been difficult but I know we could have got you there. You would have looked so cute in your nursery uniform this year (assuming you could attend a nursery) and if you are anything like your sister youd be showing off your cheekiness by the end of the week.
Now that the realisation has hit I am dreading next September already, working in a school and seeing those tiny reception children on their first day im not sure im going to be able to do it. Im not strong enough for that, i dont want to be strong enough.
I want you. Every day. I want to be your mum and give you hugs and make everything okay.
My shining star, I love you x