Posted in motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Rainbow Mummy, telford

On The Eve Of Your 2nd Birthday

Dear Ellie,

Tomorrow you turn 2 years old and I honestly don’t know where the last 2 years have gone, it feels like I blinked and you’ve suddenly become a real toddler. A walking, talking, shouting, opinionated toddler and I love you so much!

Ellie, you will never know how much you really saved me, before you were born I was stuck in a life of sadness and grief and I had very few reasons to feel genuine happiness. Now you are here there is light even in my darkest times; I have a reason to feel happy and that reason is you.

These last few months have contained lots of milestones and the terrible twos have definitely shown themselves in more ways than one. We have heard a lot of “no” and “mine” and you are so strong willed I had to spend 45 minutes on Sainsburys car park while you had a full-on meltdown over not wanting to sit in your car seat (thanks for that!) You throw yourself to the floor crying when you don’t get your own way and have started hitting/kicking out in anger. Let’s not even get started on nappy changing or feeding!

Bedtime is still a struggle however you have started sleeping through on the odd occasion for roughly 9-11 hours in your own bed in your own room! We have no sleep routine because you fight it so much and you always seem to be asleep when I finish work to pick you up. You do love bedtime stories, yours and Daddy’s record is 10 books in one sitting but you’re favourite seems to be “Where’s Tim’s Ted?” which I know off by heart. I love watching you reading because already you are showing such a great understanding of emotion, noticing when a character is sad. You love a bath before bed, splashing around and blowing bubbles, I just wish I knew how to wash your hair without it becoming world war 3 in the bathroom.

In the past month you have found a whole new word bank and new words are being said every day, I love the conversations we are having and I can’t believe how much you understand too. It’s taken a while to get to where we are with your speech, I think your cheekiness has meant you just couldn’t be bothered to do it whereas now you literally don’t stop. Last night you started singing “Baby Shark” at 6am while you were still fast asleep, it was so cute and so annoying all at the same time. You break my heart when you sing “Twinkle Twinkle” but it is one of your favourites so I have learnt how to sing it back to you without crying, one day you will be more aware of some of the things that trigger us but I never want to stop you from doing something just because your brother died.

You have the most cheeky smile and already know how to wrap us both around your finger. You make us laugh and smile with your amazing personality and I have loved watching the girl you have become. I can honestly say this time is my favourite so far, you are your own little person, with your own likes and dislikes, thoughts and you certainly know what you want. I love watching you play and you have such a caring nature that fills my heart with so much love.

I remember the day before you were born so clearly, feeling so nervous and scared that you wouldn’t make it and the days that followed became harder too. I have spent the last 2 years wondering whether that day would be my last day with you and I hate that this is the mother I am. I find being your Mama the most rewarding and also the hardest; I am filled with guilt every time I get annoyed or impatient with you which I know is part of parenting but knowing my time with you could be cut short at any moment makes it so much harder.

Ellie, you are quite frankly my ray of sunshine and also a total pain in my backside sometimes. You deserve to have the most wonderful life, filled with love, happiness and laughter and my promise to you is that I will do everything I can to make sure that happens. You are loved beyond measure and always will be my beautiful girl.

I’ll never know what I did but I do know I am so lucky to be your Mama! ❤

Happy 2nd birthday Ellie.



Wife & Mum of 2; Jason born and died 29/03/15 and Ellie born 01/11/16. Hoping to break the silence around baby loss and the journey of parenting a rainbow baby one blog post at a time.

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