Tonight Ellie’s strong-will has broken me. She has pushed the limits from the moment she woke from her nap which although was broken was still a good 2 hours!! You’d think by now I would be used to the tantrums, strops, complete meltdowns as they have been happening for a few months now and usually it all boils down to the fact that she is so determined to get what she wants that she cant handle being told “no.” But I’m not. I spend hours listening to her scream and shout and eventually she does eventually calm but it can all start again within minutes. It is so draining. I currently spend the time I am at work missing her like crazy and wanting to be with her but 5 minutes after we get home I am stressed, Ellie is having a meltdown and I am ready to get a second job.
To make these meltdowns worse Ellie has started hitting and kicking. I know this is a very toddler thing to do and she just isnt aware of how to channel her anger so she lashes out but omg she only ever seems to lash out at me. The only way I know to show her it is wrong is by taking her to her bedroom but she gets so worked up it makes her worse and I dont want her to hate her room; especially as we are STILL trying to get her to sleep in there.
I always thought I’d be a good parent but Ellie finds ways to make me doubt myself so often. I spend more time wondering whether I am actually enough for her and whether id be a different mum if Jason had lived, would I be more patient? Would I have done things differently?
I will never know but right now I know Ellie deserves so much better than I can give her.