Our door remains empty, on the first day of school.
No awkward photographs.
No fussing over a clean uniform.
The first day of school but you are missing.
The first day of school.
Jason should be starting Reception this year. I should be rushing around buying his new shoes, the uniform I had forgotten about and preparing him for what school is like.
Our lives would be filled with excitement, our little boy growing up so fast.
School starts and the internet is flooded with those first day photos, standing so smartly in the new, clean uniform in front of the door. Their book bags, water bottles, lunch boxes and PE kit piled in to their hands, promising yourself you won’t cry but knowing you will when they step through the doorway in to this whole new world.
This year, instead of watching Jason on his first day of school, I will be working in a reception class. I’ll be right there in the thick of it, watching the parents on the playground, the children excited/nervous for their first day. It’s going to be so hard knowing I should be one of them. Oh how I wish I was one of them.
When an adult dies, you grieve for the memories and the lives you shared. When a baby or a child dies, you grieve for all the memories you don’t get to have. Everything, for the rest of our lives, is tinged with sadness, there is always someone missing. I don’t know how Jason’s first day at school would have gone, due to his Down Syndrome and other health issues I don’t even know if he’d have been able to go to a mainstream school or whether he’d have needed extra support. It’s hard being a mother and not knowing your child. Not having the chance to know them or even be able to imagine the child they would be.
A huge milestone that has been taken away from us again.
To all those parents who are struggling at the beginning of the school year, I am with you, I hear you and I am there for you.
4 thoughts on “Empty Door”
These milestones will never be easy. I hope it’s a gentle day for when you go back to work. Xxxx
Thanks beaut. I’m sure it will be so busy I won’t even notice ❤️❤️
You are inspirational sharing this, people are so often to quick to judge without a care in that world! Such touching words! Sending love and thoughts your way xx
Hey girl very brave to express yourself in the way you did about your loss. Really sorry for what you have and still going through every day. I work with special needs children and sometimes I wonder what’s going on in their little brain. But other times they really astound me with how they do things and say. I’m a mum of three children and a grandma. Looking at them I can only thank God everyday for blessing me with all of them. God bless you and your family too. Thank you for sharing such , for sure, hard time for you all. Keep being the way you are, you certainly come a cross as a strong, amazing human being. ❤️