Well I made it through the entire weekend without any hiccups. To some this is a very small victory but for me this has been weighing on my mind for a while now.
Recently i’ve been feeling like this pregnancy is so similar to Jason’s pregnancy. As the weeks have gone on I’m finding more and more similarities. Continue reading “Mirrored Image.”
Best left unsaid.
Today was my first day back at work since the start of the Summer holidays in July and it’s fair to say I was dreading it. We were in for a Pd Day and I think I’d have preferred to have been in with the kids getting to hide with them than interact with other adults.
I knew today would be difficult, a colleague announced her pregnancy over the summer on social media and I knew everyone would be overexcited about her announcement and I knew I would find it hard to fake a smile. I know I’m pregnant and I’m so lucky to still have my rainbow in my tummy but pregnancy announcements still dig a knife in my heart. I’m not bitter I’m just cautious now, cautious that announcing a pregnancy at 12 weeks on social media can be the best and the worst decision you could make. I’m cautious that I’m still so nervous about my pregnancy and yet they get to live that blissful ignorance that everything will be fine at the end of it. Which it will I’m sure, I’d never wish the loss of their child on anyone.
I also expected the comments from other colleagues. They mean well I know but saying things like: “You dont look bigger than when we broke up” and “Gosh your bump is small” really doesn’t help! I’m anxious and convinced something terrible will happen and they come out with things like that! It doesn’t fill me with much hope that my rainbow will come home with me. I need reassurance now, not people putting doubts in my mind. I’m scared, nervous and anxious and not counting down the weeks because I know I’m going to be a ball of nerves once we get to 35 weeks and that’s when it could all still go wrong.
I’m sorry for the rant, just don’t understand where telling anyone how small their bump is and how little it has grown in the space of 6 weeks can be helpful for any pregnant person, never mind someone who lives every day without their son. I’m feeling tired (due to hubby being up since 4!) and angry tonight, I just want my baby. Both of them safe with me ❤
I wanted to write to you and tell you how loved your are. Everyone knows how much me and daddy love you and always will but I can’t believe how much you are loved by others.
This weekend Mummy’s cousin completed a Spartan Sprint which is an obstacle course over 3km, she did this in your memory. She did this to share your name, your story and I’m so proud of her. It fills my heart with so much love and hope that your story continues to be told by others and you’re never going to be forgotten ❤
Mummy’s cousin did this fundraising despite getting the dates mixed up and drinking a little more than she would have done the night before. She did this for you. I hope you were watching her and cheering her on and telling all your friends how loved you are.
I’m so very grateful that people remember and choose to do things in your name. She raised over £100 for SANDS UK and I’m so proud to call her my cousin.
Please look after mummy, daddy and your little sister this week, keep giving her your strength to grow stronger every day.
All my love. Forever, to the moon and back
A day of hope.
August 19th 2016. A day of hope. Today is a day to remember all those babies and children who couldn’t stay. Our babies.
A day of hope. I have so much to be hopeful for yet so much that no matter how much I hope and wish, it will never happen. Continue reading “A day of hope.”
Today I felt sadness. Not for myself but for a friend who has been an absolute godsend to me since losing Jason.
It’s funny how you are thrown in to this special secret group when your baby dies. A group that isn’t spoken of until you become a fully fledged member. Yet this group is full of special people who know exactly how you feel. They have felt your loss, your pain and your sadness and offer support, guidance and most importantly friendship when most people don’t know what to say.
I have been lucky enough to have made friends with some very special ladies and I like to think that Jason has found their babies and has made friends with them too. Today I felt sadness for one person who has been a rock to me in my own grief and it reminded me just how fucking cruel this world can be. Not only sadness but I feel guilt, guilt for the fact that I’m carrying a child and can feel her wriggling around inside me. Only when you have lost a child do you become aware of how much someone elses happiness can cause you so much sadness. I dont want to be the cause for someone elses sadness.
I’m really hoping that all the special mummies I have had the pleasure of meeting and talking to in the past year are soon able to find happiness.
Celebrations are a funny thing when grieving. Sometimes they are filled with dread, a birthday, a due date, the anniversary of the death. Even happier times can be dreaded, holidays without that person, anniversaries etc. Our Anniversary wasn’t dreaded, for the first time ever we were looking forward to our anniversary. Something we haven’t had the luxury of doing since our first wedding anniversary was spent still desperately sad from the death of our Son.
I’ve been quiet for the past few days, I haven’t really known what to write or how I’m feeling. Since the release of the Pokemon Go app i’ve felt like myself again. The old me. Not the me who has had a baby and cremated her baby but the childish girl who loved Pokemon growing up.
Continue reading “Pokemon Go…”
Tomorrow is our 23 week midwife appointment and tonight I’m really concerned about it. We have the same midwife with our little girl as I did with Jason and lets face it, she didn’t pick up on anything with him then so why will this time be any different? Continue reading “Uncertainty.”
I’ve always been a believer of spiritualism and what it contains however I’ve never really thought of it as a religion as I don’t believe in a God or anything like that. Yet spiritualism has been helpful for me in my grief… Continue reading “Spiritualism…”