Posted in days out, shropshire, telford

Shropshire

The Summer Holidays have started and similar to last year I already have a list as long as my arm of new places I want to visit and regular spots we go to every year. Living in Shropshire means there is already so much available on our doorstep so I thought I’d share some of the beautiful places we plan on visiting this Summer.

Telford

Apley Woods (free parking) – http://www.apleywoods.co.uk/
Telford Town Park (£ parking) – http://www.telfordtownpark.co.uk/
The Wrekin (free parking) – https://www.shropshirehillsaonb.co.uk/enjoying-the-shropshire-hills/places-to-visit/the-wrekin/
SunnyCroft (National Trust) – https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/sunnycroft
Exotic Zoo (admission prices) – https://exoticzoo.co.uk/
Blists Hill (admission prices) – https://www.ironbridge.org.uk/explore/blists-hill-victorian-town/
Enginuity (admission prices) – https://www.ironbridge.org.uk/explore/enginuity
Telford Steam Railway (admission prices) – https://telfordsteamrailway.co.uk/
Wonderland (admission prices) – https://wonderlandmidlands.co.uk/
Hoo Farm (admission prices) – https://www.hoofarm.com/
Airea 51 (admission prices) – https://airea51.co.uk/
Dale End Park Ironbridge (£ parking) – https://www.familiesonline.co.uk/local/shropshire/listing/dale-end-park/

Shrewsbury

Lyth Hill (free parking) – http://www.shropshiresgreatoutdoors.co.uk/site/lyth-hill-countryside-site/
Haughmond Hill (£ parking) – https://www.forestryengland.uk/haughmond-hill There is currently a Zog Activity Trail for little ones to take part in (£3)
Shrewsbury Quarry Park https://originalshrewsbury.co.uk/visit/quarry-park
Attingham Park (National Trust) – https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/attingham-park/

Shropshire

The Mere (Ellesmere) – https://www.ellesmere.info/
Hawkstone Park Follies – (admission prices) https://www.hawkstoneparkfollies.co.uk
Severn Valley Country Park (Bridgnorth) – http://www.shropshiresgreatoutdoors.co.uk/site/severn-valley-country-park/
Shugborough Estate (Staffordshire) (National Trust) – https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/shugborough-estate
Wightwick Manor and Gardens (Wolverhampton) (National Trust) – https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/wightwick=manor-and-gardens/
Wroxeter Roman City (Wroxeter) (admission prices) – https://www.english-heritage.org.uk/visit/places/wroxeter-roman-city/
Shawbury Fruit Farmhttps://www.facebook.com/pages/Shawbury-Fruit-Farm/1459068914331637
RAF Cosford (£ parking – free admission) – https://www.rafmuseum.org.uk/cosford/
Cbeebies Land/Alton Towers (admission prices) – https://www.altontowers.com/
Rays Farm (admission prices) – https://raysfarm.com/
Ludlow Castle (admission prices) – https://www.ludlowcastle.com/
David Austin Roses (Albrighton) – https://www.davidaustinroses.co.uk/david-austin-rose-gardens
Bridgnorth Castle Garden https://www.aboutbridgnorth.com/bridgnorth-castle/

Surrounding Shropshire

British Ironworks Centre (Oswestry) – https://www.britishironworkcentre.co.uk/
Chester Zoo (Chester) – https://www.chesterzoo.org/
Blue Planet Aquarium (Chester) – https://www.blueplanetaquarium.com/
Sea Life Centre (Birmingham) – https://www.visitsealife.com/birmingham/
Monkey Forest (Stoke) (admission prices) – https://monkey-forest.com/
Trentham Gardens (Stoke) (admission prices) – https://www.trentham.co.uk/
Ice Cream Farm (Chester) (££) – https://www,theicecreamfarm.co.uk/
Ty Mawr (Wrexham) (£1 parking) – https://www.wrexham.gov.uk/english/leisure_tourism/TyMawrCountryPark.htm

Posted in Aching Arms, baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, Jason, life after loss, Neonatal Loss, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, Pregnancy Loss, stillbirth, telford

Always One Missing

Wow, as always, the final few days of March were horrendous. I have said for a while now that for me, the build up to an anniversary is always harder than the day. This has been the case for all of Jason’s birthdays. I find the days leading to his birth/death hit me far harder because I carry so much guilt with those days; what if I’d have gotten checked out earlier, what if i’d have known I was in labour, what if I could have done something and I didn’t. Those who have lost a baby/child will understand what I mean by all this. The guilt seems harder every year too, i force myself (more like torture myself) to read past status’ complaining of feeling tired, having swollen ankles, feeling sick, I can’t help myself. I only ever activate my old facebook account on the build up to his birthday, knowing I will see these past status’ and knowing it will feel like a knife to the heart the closer it gets to his birthday.

This year as many of you know, Jason should have been turning 4. He should have been having a party with our family, friends, possibly even some nursery friends and I should have been knee deep in cake, balloons and presents! I wasn’t. I went to work, I pretended I was fine, I sat through a meeting about the mental health and wellbeing of our pupils which then turned into a discussion on a bereavement course our SENCO had recently been on and I just sat there. I wanted to storm out, I wanted to sob, I wanted to scream that Jason wasn’t just a bereavement, he was/is my Son. I didn’t do anything of those things, I welled up at times but composed myself. I decided I was going to ask to leave early, only half an hour so I could see Ellie. I needed to be with her. While I was waiting to speak to my boss, a male teacher got a call, his wife was in labour. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be that day. I just knew it. I felt like I was right back in the thick of my grief, the first days where the world kept on turning, everyone’s lives carried on but mine seemed to stop. I felt like I was watching everything in slow motion and it hurt. I did manage to finish early and in the end spent a really nice afternoon with Ellie, in our favourite garden, where I have taken her every year since she was born on Jason’s birthday.

A little garden in Ironbridge, with beautiful flowers, a little wooden park and a cafe that sells the most amazing cake which I treated Ellie too because I couldn’t treat her brother.

The weekend was pretty okay, we took Ellie to Chester Zoo, another tradition we have started since Jason was born. We have gone every year to celebrate his birthday as close to the date as we can. We had such an amazing day, Ellie was really well behaved and walked around most of the day. We walked 6 miles around the zoo, saw loads of animals and thought about Jason all day.

I was gutted that the elephants weren’t out of their house due to illness, I always feel closer to Jason when I see an elephant. Ellie loved watching the baby animals, her favourites being the Meerkats and I enjoyed seeing the animals we have watched on The Secret Life of The Zoo with her. We spent all day there, not getting home until late but it was worth it. Ellie was happy, so we were happy.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. Those mums in our baby loss community know how difficult mothers day is. Regardless of how many children are living, there will always be one missing. I’ll never get a card made at nursery from him. I’ll never have a mothers day hug from him. I’ll never get to spend a mothers day with him. It doesn’t matter how many living children you have, when one is missing it tarnishes the day. I found not acknowledging it helped, I spent the day cleaning, washing, doing our usual Sunday chores. Luke struggled more so I naturally took on the strong role to help make his day seem easier. The Sunday after Jason’s birthday is always difficult for him and this one being Mothers Day made it harder this year. It sucks.

The following day I found the hardest, I couldn’t function. I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to either. I spent an hour in bed crying, my alarm went off and I just didn’t want the day to start. I didn’t go to work, I couldn’t. My head wasn’t in the right place at all. I felt just like I did when Jason first died, the world was once again moving on and I wasn’t ready to carry on. I needed another day to grieve for what should have been, for the life that was taken away from us and from him. I needed another day to feel sorry for myself because this year felt like more and more people weren’t that bothered. “It was 4 years ago, surely they should have let it go by now” It’s exactly what I would have thought before Jason so in my own mind this is what people would be thinking too. It’s okay. I get it because unless you have held a dead baby, sat and cried looking at their tiny coffin, knowing they are in there and there is nothing you can do to turn back time and make it all better, then of cause you aren’t going to understand.

Of cause, I have had 4 years of practise now at pretending I am okay with how my life is, pretending that his loss hasn’t left a giant hole in my heart where he should be. For the most part I’m not even pretending any more. Life does get easier to manage, you start moving forward because you can’t stay stuck in the same loop forever. Except when you do find yourself with anniversaries, celebrations, it’s hard to give yourself time to readjust and if you are like me, you burn out. I have felt pretty drained all week however already I am feeling that glimpse of happiness return, the anniversary is over and although I NEVER stop thinking about Jason, missing him, loving him, each day becomes easier to carry on as if i’m not broken slightly.

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, stillbirth, telford

Goodbye February

Goodbye February, this month has been a mixed month. I started off feeling very low and depressed and finished the month off feeling grateful and full of love. As a family we have made so many memories and spent a whole week together having lots of fun.

With the end of February comes March, a month I literally dread. We have lukes birthday on the 4th which I love as I’ve always loved being able to spoil him and show him how much I love him. We’ve always celebrated his birthday with a meal out with his family and we are going to a local favourite place of ours (I may post about it after) on Sunday for Sunday lunch which I am looking forward to.

The rest of the month is a countdown. Reliving the days and weeks before Jason’s death, trying to come up with a reason it happened or something we have all missed. Blaming myself because I was naive to think I deserved to have my baby and that babies were safe! I actually hate the person I was because I was ignorant to the fact that this has happened for thousands of years and it still happens today.

4 years ago I was blissfully unaware that in just 29 days my whole world would collapse. I was hoping my unborn baby would arrive early, impatient to meet him1her and moaning about my pregnancy aches and pains. 4 years ago I wasnt at all scared about being pregnant or that something bad would happen.

In 29 days my son SHOULD be 4. I SHOULD be planning his 4th birthday party and inviting all of his friends from nursery. I SHOULD be spending my money on a few more presents because he deserves it and buying the best birthday cake because if he was like his Mummy and Little Sister he’d have loved cake. I SHOULD be deciding on the theme of his party and writing lists of the food I would need to buy.

Those things were stolen from me. Taken. Gone.

All the things I dreamed of doing as a parent, as a first time mummy, were taken from me the day we were told Jason only lived 37 minutes.

His whole life was spent looking at doctors, nurses, paramedics trying to save him. He never got to be with his parents, the people who love him. I never got to hold him alive.

With March comes a whole lot of memories of that day, one’s I try to suppress partly because it hurts so God damn much and partly because after 4 years you are expected to just get on with it. Jason’s birthday I will have to get up, go to work, pretend that 4 years ago I didn’t have to say goodbye to my son and I’d never see him again. Pretend that everything is okay even when it isn’t.

March is the month that gave me my son and I will Always be grateful for the short time I had with him but it is also the month that took my son away and I can’t wait for it to be over.

Posted in days out, ironbridge, ironbridge gorge, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, museum, parenting, telford, Toddler Development, Toddler Play

Blists Hill – Telford

Place yourself in the year 1900. Queen Victoria is on the throne and Shropshire was at the heart of the industrial revolution.

One of our trips this half term was to Blists Hill in Ironbridge (Telford, Shropshire) another one of the fantastic museums in the Ironbridge Gorge World Heritage site. Blists Hill is an open air museum that recreates the sights and sounds of a typical Shropshire Victorian Town.

Walking through the doors to the town you instantly feel like you’ve gone back in time. No cars, no TV;s but a lot of fun awaiting! With 52 acres of land to explore there was so much to see and do throughout our visit. This recreation makes you feel like you are actually walking in a Victorian town; the shops, the houses, the bank where you can change your money to “old money” and the townspeople who truly make your visit feel authentic.

Each house had a different story, whether we were in an old doctors surgery or a typical families house with their shared, cramped bedrooms and bedpans under the bed! Whether it’s walking in to the chemist with their traditional remedies, or to the bakery where you can buy freshly made bread, rolls to either eat straight away or take home there really is something for everyone. If you aren’t interested in those there is a traditional sweet shop or the amazing chip shop selling authentic fish and chips cooked in beef dripping. (Spoiler…they are to die for!!)

Ellie loved having the freedom to run around and explore but didn’t stray too far away. All the townspeople were fantastic with her, not pushing her to interact but all with friendly faces and a world of knowledge of their “character” and the way they would have lived in the Victorian era.

Blists Hill is also home to a section of the Shropshire Canal, which going back 100 years or so would have transported boats up and down the 207ft incline to coalport and back. Wherever there is water, Ellie asks to see the ducks. She loves ducks and walked carefully down the canal side watching the ducks in the water. Along with pigs and Shire Horses (with demonstrations throughout the day and horse and cart rides!) there are many chickens…this was possibly the highlight of Ellie’s entire day!

As I have said in a previous post; we purchased the Annual Passport for all 10 museums which gives us unlimited entry for an entire year. We paid £53 for two Adult annual passports as under 5’s are free to all museums. Entry to Blists Hill alone for 2 adults would have been £20 just to go for the day. Although this isn’t expensive for a trip where we stayed nearly 3 hours and only left because E needed a nap and would have screamed the entire place down we live a 5/10 minute drive away from all of them we will make the most of the year-round entry especially in the Spring/Autumn months – a family of ginger-haired beauty’s don’t do well in too much sunshine so we tend to hide away in the Summer months.

Posted in days out, enginuity, ironbridge, ironbridge gorge, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, museum, parenting, parenting after loss, telford, Toddler Development, Toddler Play

Enginuity – Telford

We visited Enginuity, which is a science museum in Ironbridge, (Telford, Shropshire) during this half term and is one of ten museums in the Ironbridge Gorge World Heritage site. We are incredibly lucky to have these museums on our doorstep and since Ellie is now a fully grown toddler we thought she might enjoy some of the aspects of these museums.

Enginuity

Ellie is a very curious toddler and loves learning, whether it be through videos or active learning she is always keen to be doing something. Enginuity is perfect for anyone who is curious about science, design and technology and provides a range of stimulating activities for children of all ages. I would say that for a small toddler Ellie found it tricky accessing all the different parts but was able to with a little bit of help.

Looking around there wasn’t a single child who didn’t look like they were having fun and enjoying themselves. I mean who wouldn’t love pulling a real 10-tonne locomotive with their own hands? Actually…there were quite a few adults who seemed to be having quite a lot of fun testing themselves too!

Ellie’s favourite part was the machine that made balls float in the air (can you tell i’m not very sciencey?) and with Daddy’s help she was able to make enough wind power to get the balls floating in the air.

During this half term, we were fortunate enough to take part in the Pop-Up Planetarium they have, which was absolutely out of this world! We managed to get tickets for the first showing of the day and it didn’t disappoint. We were asked to crawl inside a big black dome and sit on the floor and then the dome went very dark. I wasn’t sure how Ellie would cope but the two people delivering the talk were great and accepting of anyone who needed to leave before the show was over. The show was called “Our Earth, Our Sun, Our Solar System and Our Place In Space” and featured a hands-on demonstration. I learnt so much about the stars and how to spot constellations in the night sky and how people in other time periods would spot them. There was so much to take in. Of cause Ellie didn’t learn a thing…it was never about that but she is genuinely interested in the sky and the stars that she loved just looking at the stars surrounding the dome and I guess I felt a little bit closer to Jason by learning something too.

There was also a drop-in workshop where you could make a space-themed pop up card (or anything really!). We tried Ellie with scissors for the first time as they were on the table and she was VERY keen to grab them. She actually did quite well seeing as she’s never held scissors before and my hair is still in tact (she won’t be using them any time soon though.)

The drop-in workshops, planetarium and everything else going on was all included in the admission price which I thought was great. We decided to purchase the Annual Passport tickets which gives us unlimited access to all 10 museums for an entire year (not during evening or special events) as we had already planned to go again and wanted to take Ellie to Blists Hill too (blog post up if anyone wants a read.)

For anyone thinking of taking toddlers and young children, Enginuity has a soft play area too! The colourful space is a fair size and has lots of soft play blocks to build and climb over. Ellie loved building with the soft lego shaped bricks, I think her Dad’s passion for Lego has passed down to her. The soft play was clean and suitable for young children and perfect to get a 5 minute breather from all the stimulation Enginuity offers.

You can visit their website here to find out more or to buy tickets!

Posted in 2 years old, days out, mental health, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, Positive Wellbeing, telford

Half Term

This first half term of work has been a killer. A new teacher, new routines, it felt like starting a new job, it’s been 7 weeks since we started back after Christmas and it has felt long but things have settled and seeing as I started the year off feeling completely lost and in need of a change, I am back to enjoying my job and feeling worth-while again.

It’s so important for me to be able to have a good work/life balance because when it isn’t balanced my mental health takes a massive hit and I start to feel down in the dumps. I finally feel that my mind is taking a more positive approach to life and I’ve come out of my slump. I am enjoying life again, enjoying work again and not struggling as much to get out of bed in a morning. I’ve really been bothered about this, I am a morning person and if a morning person is struggling to get out of bed there is a problem.

I have been looking forward to this half term for weeks, not only because we have all needed a break and time off together for a while but also because the weather is slowly picking up and I am wanting to do more with Ellie. Nothing too extravagant; some walks, maybe a bit of shopping, trips to the park that sort of thing along with a meal out as I was treated to a Pizza Hut voucher for my birthday so will treat the man and the girl to some unhealthy food. We are planning an afternoon at the cinema for just Luke and I, Ellie wouldn’t sit long enough for a film and we really want to watch The Lego Movie 2 so while Ellie spends a day with my in-laws we will be enjoying that!

The only other thing I am really wanting to fit in this week is a trip to the farm, there are quite a few local farms we could go to so it’s really just based on money and the weather as to which one we decide to head off to. Ellie is fairly good at walking now and that means we don’t need to take the pushchair as long as one of us is willing to carry her a little bit (she’s very lazy!)

Since breaking up, I have already kept up with my want to take Ellie on more walks as the weather was absolutely beautiful and so I dragged her to one of our local National Trust places for a little walk, which turned in to quite a long walk and she did so well. We headed off to look for the deer but they were too far away unfortunately but Ellie wasn’t bothered, she loved having the space to run around and be outside.

Posted in 2 years old, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, rainbow baby, Rainbow Mummy, telford

Fiesty Redhead

Wow the terrible twos are in full swing over here. I have always heard that redheads have fiery tempers but I’d never fully believed that hair colour could define temper yet I seem to have the fiestiest toddler ever!

Her temper is definitely worse more recently. She has learnt to scream, tighten her fists and shout as loud as she possibly can. I’m 100% sure our neighbours either hate us or thinks we are trying to kill her.

Anyone else’s toddler squeal like a banshee when she’s in a complete meltdown? Or is it just mine? She is so incredibly loud too so the banshee noise travels throughout the house. Earlier on today a meltdown happened over not being carried down the stairs, the squealing started and I had to walk away. I really struggle walking away, I don’t want Ellie to hate being on her own because we leave when she is having a tantrum but today we both needed 2 minutes to calm down and the noise from upstairs was deafening.

I know tantrums are all part of being a toddler; exhurting independence and learning about boundaries and I believe E needs to learn early on that this behaviour is not acceptable but I also know this is a healthy part of her growing up and I don’t want to squash her fiestiness too.

God parenting is a minefield!

Posted in Gifted, Isabella And Us, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Positive Wellbeing, product review, Rainbow Mummy, Self Care, telford, zine for mums

Positive Wellbeing – Review (Gifted)

I was overjoyed when I received an email from the wonderful Emma asking me to review her new ‘zine in return for a free copy to read. Mainly because I have followed Isabella & Us since their early days and have loved the products Emma has worked so hard to create. This is a small business I am proud to have made purchases with, Emma is approachable and kind; in the past she has helped contribute to the raffle I did last year to celebrate Jason’s 3rd birthday (more on his 4th birthday plans soon!) by donating her fantastic Mummy cards.

I’m not good at self-care, I find it difficult to MAKE time for myself since Ellie was born; before I would use the playstation to escape and have some “me-time” but that isn’t really an option; I would rather be playing and creating memories than sitting and taking time for me yet I know just how important being able to switch off and take that time is.

Positive Wellbeing Zine For Mums ❤

I knew by reviewing the zine it would give me the perfect excuse to leave Luke in charge and have the time I never allow for myself but am so quick to give Luke and I was definitely NOT disappointed at all.

The Positive Wellbeing ‘Zine for Mums does exactly what Emma envisaged, it promotes positivity in a world that can be extremely hard for new mums, actually on all mums! We are constantly filled with guilt and doubt over whether we are doing the best. This magazine takes away the negativity and reminds you that you are not alone in your journey. Following Emma for such a long time I admire her ability to share not only her own motherhood journey but also raises awareness of maternal mental health through her #winningasamummy campaign which can be seen throughout her website and social media accounts.

Emma doesn’t just use the ‘zine to promote her own business, she supports other small independent businesses that offer support and services to parents or children. Issue 2 is full of positive self-care ideas, affirmations and the best illustrations from such artists like Sketchy Mama and Helene The Illustrator.


“Stop. Breathe and Remember how far you’ve come.”



It is compact (A5) and is the perfect size to fit in your handbag, changing bag, glove compartment, drawer…anywhere you might find yourself craving 5 minutes of self-care or even when the little ones evidently fall asleep in the car (don’t they always?) and you just want something to read. It uplifts your mood which as a parent will take a beating from time to time; you are not alone in these times!

Social media can be great but it can also makes us feel very alone in our dark times; life is not perfect but people only ever feel like they can share the perfect times; I always try to share the good, the bad and the truly magical moments of being a parent and there is always lots to tell. Emma too is very open and honest which I love and that shows throughout the zine. Her passion for being Isabella’s mummy shines throughout!

Compact and ideal for times where you just want 5 minutes to yourself.

I would encourage anyone to purchase this little bit of self-care or even gift one to a new mum so they don’t feel like they are in this motherhood journey alone.

You can purchase the zine here

or follow Isabella and Us on social media!
Facebook
Instagram
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#WinningAsAMummy Self-Care on a Friday Night ❤

For anyone wanting to purchase from Isabella & Us then feel free to use my exclusive discount code for 15% off til the end of MAY!
Just quote AMY when checking out!

Posted in 2 years old, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, product review, telford

Matching Games

I got this Peppa Pig matching game for 50p in Tesco a few months ago, the box said 3+ but I knew I would find a use for them, even if it was just recognising the characters.

Ellie confidently matches the character and likes pretending to get them wrong 😂. I don’t use all the characters as she gets bored easily and her attention span wouldn’t handle sitting for that long but that’s okay. I love games like these as there is so much you can do with them. They have so many benefits that helps support a toddlers development.

Matching games:
*Improve concentration
*increases short term memory
*trains visual memory
*improves vocabulary

Being a teaching/support assistant means education is so important to me and I want to give Ellie the best start to her learning as possible. Games such as these are great and they come in so many of kids favourite characters which also helps!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, stillbirth, telford

Gone Too Soon

Not a day goes by

That I don’t think of you

I’m always asking why

This crazy world had to lose

Such a ray of light we never know

Gone too soon

Whenever I use the laptop to do some blogging I always find myself listening to the same songs. Sad songs. Ones that make me think about grief and death and everything that has happened to my family.

It makes me sad, angry, confused but it makes me feel closer to Jason somehow, like by listening to sad songs it reminds me that it is okay to not feel okay. It’s okay that I’ve felt so low and confused but I’ve lashed out at those I love for no reason and I don’t know why.

You are my one and only

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb

And hold me tight.

And you’ll be alright.

Maybe you were needed up there

But we’re still unaware as why.

Lyrics are incredibly powerful, you can feel so much just by really listening to lyrics. Sometimes the happiest sounding songs are the ones filled with the most unhappy memories. For a long time after Jason died I couldn’t listen to music. I remembered spending hours and hours searching for the perfect songs to play at our wedding, each one linking in someway to our relationship, our love and I remembered the joy it gave me.

Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You’re a part of me
And I’ll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

The next time I researched the perfect music was for my son’s funeral. Can you imagine how that feels? Finding the perfect music knowing you will never be able to listen to that song in the same way? Knowing that the next time you will have to listen to it is when you are standing looking at that tiny coffin that is holding the baby you longed for so much.

Music was no longer my safe place, it was there reminding me that I was going through the worst and it didn’t matter how happy the music sounded, each one made me miss him so much. Like I said, it took me a long time to find joy in listening to lyrics again but sometimes you need to wallow in your own grief, find those sad songs and sing them as loud (in your head in my case!) as you can and belt out those feelings. For me, this is as much a type of therapy as if I was actually having counselling; it’s a way for me to remember that my life turned upside down, I didn’t know how I was going to make it to the next day, I couldn’t imagine a life without Jason. I didn’t want to imagine a life without him. Sometimes I still wonder whether I’ll wake up one morning and he’d be here, sometimes my mind wanders to a life with him in and it hurts so much knowing i’ll never know what that life could have been like.

Lately I have been struggling balancing life, work and everything in between. I have no patience, I am cranky and frankly a bitch. I don’t really understand why Luke stays with me, I put him through so much and I’ll never forgive myself for making him go through all of this. To the outside world I have dealt with Jason’s death with strength but inside that’s so not true. I am not strong, I’m just good at showing people what they want to see. Society wants us to “get over it” “move on” and although I am open in talking about Jason, every time I have to explain his death my heart breaks once again.