Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

My Journey To Elsie with an Incompetent Cervix

I am so incredibly honoured to share a post written by a wonderful Mummy to her two children. Lauren is one of the Mummy’s I found over on IG who unfortunately is part of our baby loss community. Lauren reached out to me as she felt that sharing her story may help others who might find themselves in the same situation she did.

October is Elsie’s month and to start off her celebrations here is her story ❤

Elsie was born sleeping at 23 weeks. I was told the reason for her being born early was because I have “an incompetent cervix.” And that’s exactly how I felt “incompetent.” My body couldnt even keep my own child safe. Elsie was growing perfectly she had beautiful blonde hairs and even though she weighed just over a pound she was fully formed.

Incompetent cervix means that your cervix has started to efface and dilate too soon. This can cause you to give birth too early, typically between 16 and 24 weeks.

Where did that diagnosis leave me? Feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt that she was growing perfectly but it was my body that had let her down, my body that had pushed her out when she wasn’t ready, my body was the reason she wasn’t here and it was the reason I was watching Karl, my partner and best friend fall apart.

I became pregnant with Elsie in May 2015, my pregnancy was straight forward except for hypermeresis gravidrum an extreme form of sickness. At 23 weeks and 4 days on the 29th October 2015 I had just had dinner and settled down to watch tv. I started having period like cramps, within an hour I was on my hands and knees in agony. We rang the maternity ward and they said to come straight down. I managed to get into the back of karls car to lay down and that’s when I knew she was on her way as i felt the over whelming urge to push. I knew it was 3 days too soon to try and save her, I knew that was it.
We were seen straight away at the maternity assessment ward, at first the consultant told us I wasnt in labour, Karl and I looked at each in complete relief. Seconds later she examined me for the second time and she said the words which replay in my mind ever since ” I’m so sorry shes on her way, and she’s 3 days too soon for us to try and save her, we will let the delivery bereavement suite know we are coming.” I couldn’t believe I was being told I had to give birth to my daughter who I could still feel moving and kicking safe inside me, but I knew she would die during labour or soon after.

Elsies labour was 27 hours from that point so i had alot of time to think of the outcome, and guilt was a strong factor throughout. When the time came to push, how could i? How could i push my daughter out knowing when i did it would mean she would take her last breath and my world would end?
The guilt when Elsie was born went through every part of my body. I pushed and screamed and screamed for someone to take her away as I felt I didn’t deserve to hold her, I didnt deserve to be called her Mummy, I couldn’t bare to look at her knowing she would never grow up because of me. I felt like it was all was my fault. After a while I decided it was time to see her, and at that minute I knew i would go through the last 27 hours of torture to see her again. My beautiful little girl, dressed in a lilac knitted dress, a colour that would always remain as hers. For two days we got to hold her, read to her, tell her all about her family and our friends and that we loved her very much.

I struggled for a long time blaming myself, I researched incompetent cervix again and again trying to find something that could have pre warned me or find something that meant I could blame this on. I had so much anger inside.

Planning a funeral brought more feelings of guilt. Planning a funeral for my little girl was something I never imagined I would ever have to do. All the little worries you’ve ever had in your life seem so irrelevant when your handed over the ” children and baby coffin guide” when just the week before you were picking out your push chair. The day we went to the funeral home to say our final goodbyes was the the day when I cried like I have never cried before, a sound I didn’t even know your body could produce, a sound that actually scared me. It’s as if your entire body and soul have been utterly broken, shattered and you can’t see any way that this heartbreak can ever feel better. Your completly stripped of everything you once were and everything you have ever known. Your facing a reality that is most peoples worse nightmare. I remember begging for someone to take me with her, what was life now if I didnt have her with me? For the weeks and months after life became so hard. Both myself and Karl couldn’t listen to the radio in the car, couldn’t watch TV, how can life go on when this has happened? How can I listen to happy music? We had to sleep with a lamp on as the darkness reminded us that out little girl was buried in complete darkness. Was she scared? Every feeling and thought we had was so raw and hurt like hell.

After a while we attended counselling together at a centre which specialises in parents losing babies/children at any gestation or age. We worked through how we both felt and slowly I began to realise this wasnt my fault, it was my body but I couldn’t have ever predicated this would happen and I couldn’t have done anything to stop it. It all happened so fast.

We now have Elsies brother with us, who to us is a miracle from his sister. The feelings of guilt have slowly come back this year whilst I’ve watched Finley grow up, watching all the things he can do that Elsie never can. Watching Finley watch other siblings play together at the park, knowing he has no idea his sister should be there beside him holding his hand.

We try and think that Elsies purpose of life was to bring her little brother safely into the world, we speak about her because we love her just as much as we love Finley.

With Finley I had a cervical stitch placed at 15 weeks and removed at 36 weeks. It wasn’t straight forward at all, my anxiety and panic attacks were pretty much constant all throughout my pregnancy and even now some days when hes poorly I really believe he will be taken from me but this is something I have recently started working on with counselling again.

For anyone who’s going through a diagnoses of incompetent cervix I would say keep going, its not your fault, there’s help out there and in future pregnancies keep pushing to be seen by a premature consultant as without ours I dont know if I ever could have gone through pregnancy again! Make your voice heard as to what you want.

Finley has healed our hearts in so many ways and taken away so many very dark days, but Elsie left a hole that will never ever be filled, her absence is felt in everything we do and I will never stop wishing that my babies were here together doing all the things a brother and sister should do. xx

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized


1258 days. Thats how long I have had to go on without you. I can’t say ive lived each day but I am surviving although I have no idea how.

I think for the majority of the time I am able to control my grief, I have blips where I get upset, days where I have no motivation because whats the point when you have gone and constant times when i think of you and wonder who you would have been. There is no doubt you are always in the front of my mind and my heart still hurts because I miss you so much.

But how do I cope when the pain just feels too bad, when the wave of grief feels too raw? How do I stay strong when realisation hits and suddenly I am thrown back to hearing those words that killed me inside “we did everything we could but im sorry…”

Jason, losing you meant I lost so many other parts of being your mum and that pain in my heart wont ever go away. While others excitedly shared their first born in their new uniform on their first day of school it hit me that I wont ever get to do that with you. I knew this year wouldn’t be your first day at school but it is the year we should have been applying for your school place, I already know you’d have needed to go to a special needs school and I would have loved sending you to the same school your uncle went to. I already know you’d have loved school so much just like me. I know I would have been THAT mum sharing her proud pictures and getting involved as much as I could. I know it would have been difficult but I know we could have got you there. You would have looked so cute in your nursery uniform this year (assuming you could attend a nursery) and if you are anything like your sister youd be showing off your cheekiness by the end of the week.

Now that the realisation has hit I am dreading next September already, working in a school and seeing those tiny reception children on their first day im not sure im going to be able to do it. Im not strong enough for that, i dont want to be strong enough.

I want you. Every day. I want to be your mum and give you hugs and make everything okay.

My shining star, I love you x

Posted in Food, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, product review, Toddler food, Uncategorized

Baby Led Spreads – Review (Gifted)

I had been following Baby Led Spreads on Instagram for quite a while but hadn’t ordered anything seeing as Ellie is past the stage of spreads and purees but I loved their flavours so much.

Baby Led Spreads are designed for baby led weaning however after talking to Keith, dad to 2, it became clear that there was room for these spreads in the wider market too and so I agreed to test them out on Ellie, who is now 21 months. We were gifted a set of 6 jars; one of each flavour.


I wish I had known about these spreads when I first started BLW as it would have made life so much easier, when ordered it is clear which spreads contain dairy and which don’t, again would have made weaning our CMPI baby easier. All of the spreads are suitable for vegetarians and are suitable from 6months+. Baby Led Spreads come in six different flavours; ‘Spicy Pumpkin and Chickpea’, ‘Carrot, Apple and Hummus’, ‘Ricotta & Bean’, ‘Green Pea, Rocket and Dill’, ‘Red Lentil and Sweet Potato’ and ‘Avocado, Red pepper and Tomato.”

I have loved experimenting with the flavours and trying new things. Ellie is on the whole a good eater but it’s been hard getting her to eat vegetables unless in pouch form. These spreads meant she was trying new flavours without knowing it. I can honestly say the spreads were so versatile, I could use them straight from the jar as dips, toast topping, sandwich fillers but I could also include them in main meals.

While I love that this brand has come from the love a father has for his daughter and wants the very best for her, including what she eats, I also love that they support the charity Bliss by donating 30p for every pack of 9 jars sold and 60p for every pack of 18 jars sold.

You can purchase either an 18 pack of jars or a 9 pack of jars via Baby Led Spreads
9 pack is £6.50 (72p each) or the 18 pack is £12 (67p each).

Posted in motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

Take a deep breath

It’s just a bad day.

Not a bad life.

Today has been tough. Bank holiday monday and the last week of the summer holidays and I was so looking forward to spending some quality time at home with Ellie before work starts next week but she seemed to have other ideas.

Ellie spent the entire day with my parents yesterday as they havent seen her as much with us both being off for the Summer and I knew she would love the time away from us. This made me look forward to a day of cuddles, maybe a film, some games and lots of smiles however Ellie has done nothing but scream since about 11am. She finally settled for a nap after 45 minutes but that didnt last longer than half hour. Since she woke up she continued to cry and she got herself so worked up nothing could bring her out of it, i managed to calm her for lunch but once she had eaten she started again. She’s not ill, wasnt hungry or thirsty and she was having all the hugs i could give her without her pushing me away.

It wasnt until nearly 4pm when she had finally started to feel a bit happier but by that point I had been completely broken and after leaving her in her room to “cry it out” (which i physically struggle with so much and hated myself for doing!!) i sat on the bottom stair sobbing. I feel completely worn out, I feel like my insticts as a mother are crap and I have NO idea what I am doing. I cant understand why she only acts this why for us as she is golden with others.

Hubby had offered to get one of our mums to have her for a couple of hours break but to me that is a complete fail, if I can’t cope with her at her very worst how can I justify being her mama when its all okay? How would I have coped with her and Jason had life not been so shit. I couldn’t stand the thought that anyone else knew how much I struggle so I had to just wait for it to end. I know I am not the only mum whos felt this way and it is at these times that I wonder whether I suffer with some sort of post natal depression or whether I struggle due to grief/ptsd/lack of confidence.


I am hoping for a better day tomorrow so we can go out and erase today with happier memories.

I am just trying to remind myself that although today has been hard tomorrow has so much potential to be better ❤

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Somewhere After The Rainbow, Uncategorized

National Rainbow Baby Day

Today (22nd August) is National Rainbow Day, which follows on from Baby Loss Awareness Week and Day of Hope.

When I was pregnant with Ellie I didnt like the term rainbow baby, I didnt like the idea of Jasons life/death being thought of as “the storm” however the term is widely known in the baby loss community and becoming more known in the public eye too so it is easier to call her our Rainbow instead of explaining our story repeatedly.

A rainbow baby doesn’t take away the pain from the loss of a child. I have said before that I have grieved harder for Jason since Ellie was born I carry more guilt because she is alive and he isn’t but in other ways it does ease the pain. My arms are no longer empty, my heart is fuller than ever and my smile isnt always fake. She has given me a new reason to live when all I wanted was to die.

So today I wanted to celebrate her. I live to make my children proud and I want Ellie to grow up knowing everything I do is for her. My worry is that she will grow up feeling like she is second best or having to compete with Jason for my attention however I also want her to grow up being able to talk about her big brother and know about him, I need him to be included just as much as I need Ellie to know she is our reason for living.


For me, Ellie has made me feel like I can be happy again, she makes me smile and feel more love than I could have possibly thought I could give. Since Ellie arrived I have been able to listen to music without crying, I can focus on the lyrics and find some happiness within the sad. I don’t drive to work with the tears flowly freely, in fact I dont cry as much as I used to at all. I want to go out and make memories but I still find celebrations and family meals etc hard. I am still reminded every day of the things we are missing out on but it is easier to handle now I have someone who gives me cuddles when I am sad.

When Jason died I thought that was my only chance of hearing anyone call me mum and it was gone; hearing Ellie call for her Mama is something I will never tire of no matter what time it is.

She reminds me of how much I love her Daddy and how much our family means to me; sometimes in the crazy life of parenting it is easy to forget about the love you had before children but when I see how much he makes Ellie laugh and how big his smile is when he is with her it makes me feel like I am 15 again and in this early stages of love.


Ellie has filled my life with happiness, love and so much laughter that I never thought I would ever feel again. I will always be so grateful for my rainbow baby, for her beauty, for having her brothers nose, for reminding me how lucky I am to have held them both and loved them both as long as the stars shine in the night.


I am also always reminded of those who don’t have their rainbow and my heart hurts for them so much. Our babies are our lives and for a grieving parent the longing to have their baby is intensified. Please know I share your pain and wish I could take it away and bring your beautiful babies back to you. I wish none of us knew this pain and I hope you are able to feel true happiness once more.


Posted in days out, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, product review, Uncategorized

Little Freddie – Review (Gifted)

Happy post awaited our arrival back from our holiday and I was excited to see our Little Freddie food pouches had arrived! I was lucky enough to be gifted a few of their fantastic flavoured pouches for Ellie to try out.

Little Freddie started off with a husband and wife team who wanted better quality food for their own children and they began creating their own recipes that were nutritious and of a high quality but still kept the taste.Their brand has grown from there.


I realise that most people would suggest Ellie shouldn’t be getting her goodness from baby pouches any more however she is a very fussy eater and would only be getting the nutrients she needs from some fruits (mainly bananas) and carrots as she refuses to eat any other vegetable. I find she loves fruit and veg pouches and I have peace of mind that she is getting her 5 a day in some form. I don’t think the age of the child particularly matters if something works and they are enjoying new flavours and tastes then great, keep going. I don’t plan on not using these pouches in the future, they are ideal for days out and lunch boxes and Ellie will usually choose one of these over any unhealthy snack.

Back to our Freddie pouches. As with most fruit pouches, Little Freddie currently cater for stages 4months, 6 months and 7 months and although Ellie is 20 months old she has never tried some of their ingredients and probably wouldn’t do now either if I put them on a plate. We were sent a mixture of their 4+ and 6+ pouches and they have been perfect for our summer days out as I’ve not had to worry about packing sandwiches and have them get squashed.


I am a sucker for packaging and pretty designs and I loved the box the pouches arrived in, I loved that the pouches were neatly placed and it even came with a personal handwritten card which was a lovely touch and shows just how much Little Freddie means to it’s owners and employees. They had also taken in to account Ellie’s previous diagnosis of CMPI and included a couple of pouches that were dairy free which isn’t as bad and Ellie can now tolerate dairy however in those early stages of weaning I found it so hard and not all packaging is clear to read which meant I stuck to the few products I could trust. Little Freddie clearly label on their packaging what ingredients they use.

They pride themselves on using the best ingredients from across the world that are 100% organic, with no added sugar which as a mum is something I am constantly looking for in Ellie’s food. Of cause I know that homemade is always better but I know all toddlers and babies have phases where they won’t eat what is put in front of them and for Ellie, she sees pouches as a treat/snack rather than a meal and sometimes this is enough.


The Pear and Blackberry yogurt is perfect for those mornings that are too much of a rush or those mornings where Ellie just doesn’t feel like a huge breakfast. What is also great is they are part of the Lactose Free range (something I’ve not noticed any other brand label) which for any mums with kids who have allegies seeing it clearly labelled on the front is a huge selling point! This pouch didn’t last long, Ellie had finished it before I could get a good picture. Now I must admit I have given Ellie pear and blackberries in the past and she wouldn’t touch them let along try them…these pouches have so much flavour that she hadn’t noticed she “didn’t like the fruit inside”.


Unfortunately I had planned to try and get pictures of Ellie trying all her new pouches and see which one was her favourite and which one she wasn’t too keen on…this didn’t happen as she sucked them so quickly I hadn’t had time to get my camera out!


I think the Prunes and Apples flavour was a clear winner as Ellie kept pointing to the empty pouch and asking for more, prunes aren’t a fruit I would have even thought of giving Ellie when first weaning so I was surprised that she seemed to enjoy that particular flavour so much.
We are yet to try the Spinach, Peas and Apple pouch but I’ve been saving that for our day trip to Chester Zoo on Sunday as I know she will at least have something healthy and nutritious while we are out.

Little Freddie pouches can be bought from Ocado, Amazon or their own website Little Freddie UK

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford, Uncategorized

To the Mum/Dad…

To the Mum/Dad…

To the Mum/Dad who’s baby won’t stop crying in the middle of the night – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s fallen asleep while feeding – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who feels like they don’t know what they are doing – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who isn’t the parent she thought she was going to be – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s child has screamed while out in public – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who’s toddler refuses to eat their food – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who cries themselves to sleep because they don’t feel good enough – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who drinks cold tea and eats one handed while the other is feeding someone else – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who feeds their child fish fingers and chips or goes to McD’s once in a while – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who doesn’t plan out daily activities – You are not alone.
To the Mum/Dad who isn’t “Instaperfect” or a “Pintrest Mum” – You are not alone.

Parenting is really hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be. I imagined I would have all the patience in the world yet I find myself shouting at Ellie when she’s having a meltdown rather than trying to talk her round like I would the children at work. I thought I’d be doing fine motor/sensory play all the time and making activities to build those necessary skills but I don’t. My house isn’t always tidy and I know I spend too much time scrolling on my phone, I am far too critical on myself and more often than not convince myself that Ellie would be better without me.

I often wonder if I would have been a different type of parent had Jason lived. Would I have had more patience? Would I have got annoyed as quickly? Does my guilt and grief affect my parenting in this way now that Ellie is here and Jason isn’t? I often wonder whether Ellie would be able to be without us if she had a living sibling or would she have still been as needy and therefore parenting would have been so much harder. Would I have more time for Jason knowing his needs would have been far more demanding or would I eventually lose patience with him too? I often wonder what kind of Mum I could have been. I know I am different because he isn’t here and I hate myself for not being better for Ellie.

In actual fact, everything I do is for my children. Ellie would never be better off without her mum, fact! I spend so much time on my phone trying to find new places to go or new recipes to try (and probably still too much time on IG but I still need me time). I might shout at her but that is usually because she has spent HOURS screaming and throwing herself to the floor because I won’t let her do something dangerous or I’ve said no to watching Peppa Pig for the 100000000th time. I might lose my patience when Ellie has days where she is clinging to me from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed and that is including nap time because there are times where she won’t sleep without being near me. I might need more time to sit down and feel the need for 5 minutes of complete alone time….but Ellie probably spends at least 15 hours of her day with us (including the middle of the night) and it does drain you, emotional, physically and mentally drains you!

No parent is perfect, how can they be when we are all doing the same job to the best of our ability? I’m definitely not perfect and I haven’t met anyone who is yet but as long as Ellie is happy and feels loved I am doing a pretty good job of being her mum and she will always feel loved and wanted.

Posted in motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, product review, Uncategorized

Ellie’s First Ready Bed

While planning our holiday I desperately tried to think of a solution to our sleeping arrangements. Ellie still doesn’t sleep all night in her own bed, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times she has since she was born, and I remembered we found it difficult last year as the bed in the caravan is smaller than a normal double bed and Ellie has grown considerably since last year! I knew we wouldn’t all be able to sleep but I also knew Ellie wouldn’t sleep in her own room which is when I came across the MyReadyBed range.

The MyReadyBed comes in different sizes and their first readybed is recommended from 18 months plus which was great as Ellie has just turned 20 months. I loved the different character designs you could have but found the jungle design was actually cheaper (you always pay for the name right?) and as I wasn’t sure how Ellie would take to it I really didn’t want to pay more than I needed to. I had planned for it to just be used while we were away, although I would be lying if I said I didn’t REALLY want the Peppa Pig one but hubby talked me out of it as it would be far too stimulating for a Peppa obsessed toddler.


I ordered Ellie’s My First Ready Bed from Argos and surprisingly it was available to pick up the next day (our local Argos don’t seem to have anything in stock…ever!!)

“The My First ReadyBed has an inflatable inner with a soft cosy cover.  It also has a soft integral bed head for extra comfort and safety. There is a handy pocket to keep your favourite stories safe while you sleep.   The cover can be easily removed for washing. This inflatable bed comes with an easy-to-use pump so that it can be inflated in minutes, plus each bed has its own integral carry bag which makes transporting the bed easy. Perfect for nights at home and trips away, ReadyBed can be used anywhere, anytime!”
– Taken from their website.

I was a bit concerned at the size of the pump when I opened it, it looked cheap and small however worked great! I was able to pump up the readybed in less than 5 minutes without breaking a sweat. Don’t you just hate air beds that take ages to actually blow up? The ready bed was quick and Ellie didn’t waste any time climbing in. I decided to keep it up and let her get used to it at home before our holiday in the hope it will work and she will actually sleep. Ellie seemed quite excited by it if I am honest, she loved putting George Pig to bed and tucking him in and it was lovely seeing her play so happily.


The ReadyBed comes with an integrated bag which made packing the bed up easier, I rolled it, tucked in the sides and the bag fit straight over it, I didn’t really have to struggle at all which meant when packing the car it slotted in nicely between everything we needed to take with us. Holidays with a toddler means half the car is packed with toys and food so having Ellie’s bed take up no room at all was perfect!

I must say, Ellie didn’t really sleep much better on holiday but she did sleep better than last year when she wouldn’t even sit in a travel cot let alone sleep in one. She used the readybed for her afternoon nap and occasionally settled herself to sleep in it too. She pretty much sat in it whenever we were in the caravan and loved lying down to watch TV.  Her readybed fit perfectly in the main bedroom slotting right by the bed which meant when she did wake up she was right next to us and she didn’t seem to wake feeling as distressed as normal. Due to the fact Ellie used it so much I did need to blow some air back in to it occasionally however since we have been home she has used it every day for naps and it has stayed pumped up.


I would highly recommend these for little ones and Ellie will be using hers at my mums when I go back to work in September for when she does nap in a morning too.

You can find the MyFirstReadyBed here or from Argos

Posted in days out, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, North Wales, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized, Wales, Welsh Mountain Zoo, Zoo

Welsh Mountain Zoo

Whilst on holiday we chose to visit the Welsh Mountain Zoo in Conwy. The drive from Pensarn was easy along the A55 towards Llandudno the only problem we had was that the SATNAV took us to a private estate without the zoo grounds so we had to follow the signs to find the entrance, I must add this was really easy as the signs were clear.

We had ordered our tickets online the night before as they were slightly cheaper, 5% I think. I am glad we did because the kiosk to pay is on the way the car park which we hadn’t anticipated and meant I had to try and find the code on my emails whilst still in the car. I found this a very unusual way of paying as for me the kiosk was on the passenger side and I was lucky Hubby was in the car to talk to the member of staff. There was plenty of parking available which I liked and it was directly in the middle of the zoo which meant we didnt have to take everything with us unlike most places we have visited.


The zoo itself was far bigger than I had expected and had a huge variety of animals. I had assumed it was slightly bigger than a farm but it was huge. We took the pushchair so that Ellie didnt have to walk everywhere. The zoo was great for pushchairs with plenty of ramps to get around.

Ellie spent the first 50 minutes obviously feeling very overwhelmed as she cried non-stop…again! Which meant she missed seeing the wallabies and the deer but after her initial meltdown she enjoyed looking at the other animals and running around. She had so much freedom as there is plenty of green space for her to explore. We spent a long time watching the cheeky penguins and the very noisy sea lions (which amazed me as ive never seen sea lions!) Ellie loved watching them swim under water and kept woofing at the sea lions 😂.

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We saw as many animals as we could but didnt get to see them all sadly. I was surprised at how many animals the Zoo had compared to other zoos I have been to and loved that you can get quite close to some of them.

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For me I loved the views, we were surrounded by beautiful hills and it made me feel so peaceful as did the Zoo Gardens which was surrounded by hardy and tropical plants giving the gardens a vibrant colour we strolled around letting Ellie explore a bit more to find two bears casually lying in their enclosure not too far away, spectacular!! Ive never seen a bear so close before.

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We took a small picnic so cant comment on the food however I did venture in to be nosey and the café looked very clean.

To finish our day Ellie raced off to the little woodland play area to let off any energy she had left, the smaller park was great for younger kids with swings, a see saw and a climbing area with slide.

The zoo was clean and easy to navigate which gave me peace of mind that Ellie was safe to wander around (even if sje wont let go of our hands when she is walking) and we had a lovely family day out.

Online price was £12.68 per adult and Ellie was free as she is under 3 so it wasnt an expensive day out at all and I felt it was worth the money for a nice family day out.


Posted in Uncategorized

I Wish

I wish I knew then what I know now…I wish I could go back and tell the old me all these things…I wish I could change the past but I cant. All I  do is relive those precious moments we had with Jason and hope he knows we did everything we could at the time. 

We didnt know Jason was going to die, he didnt die in the womb, he died after taking his first breath, he died never knowing what it felt like to be in his mothers arms, he died infront of doctors who tried as hard as they could to help him survive. It breaks my heart that his short life wasnt spent with me and I didnt get to hold him alive.

Of cause if I could change the outcome I would in a heartbeat but if I could live that day again, knowing nothing could be changed I still would. I wouldnt change my time with Jason at all because it was time with my Son.

There are things I would do differently though if I knew then what I know now. I would make memories with him but I didnt feel like I could do anything at the time. Jason was born at home at 7:36 however we didnt get to meet him until nearly 9am, after I had been stitched up and the consultant came to tell us he had died, at first I didnt want to see him however when the nurse brought him in and placed him in my arms I knew I needed to. I wanted and loved this baby from the day we knew about him and I couldn’t begin to fathom why he wasnt awake. I lay there just holding him, begging him to start crying, hoping they had got it all wrong. We let immediate family come and visit him and spend some time with him but I wouldnt let anyone else come, I was scared they would be disgusted by my dead baby, say something about him, I know deep down that noone we would have wanted there would do anything like that but your brain struggles to make sense of anything when it has gone tthroigha trauma like ours and nothing felt right. How could anything be right when everything was so very wrong?

I do wish more than anything that I had taken pictures, a family picture, pictures of him, pictures of me and my son, his perfect fingers, his gorgeous ginger hair…I dont have any of those. I do have pictures the hospital had taken but they are all I have and it hurts to think I will never have any more of him. I took one picture in haste just before we left him in the large room all on his own, he has a blanket wrapped right up to his head so I cant see his hair and it reminds me of something a nun would wear, he wasnt wearing the outfit I carefully chose for him, nothing we took would have fit his tiny 3lbs 6ozs body.

If I could advise someone who knows their baby may not survive or knows their baby has died it would be to take all those pictures, ignore the thought of it being morbid because it might be the only chance you get to make those precious memories. I probably take far too many pictures of Ellie but that is only because I know life is precious and no life is to be taken for granted, I will never know for sure how much time we have together.

Life really is more valuable than people realise and I know I would take it for granted if I had all my babies with me.