Posted in Aching Arms, baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, Jason, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting after loss, stillbirth

Primary School Offer Day

In an ideal world I’d have been one of those nervous parents waiting to find out what school my boy had gotten in to. In an ideal world he’d have been accepted to the primary school where I work! In an ideal world I’d already have his uniform, or parts of it in preparation and be excitedly making him try it on for pictures. In an ideal world we probably would have had to put Jason in to the special needs school because that is where he’d have the support he needed. In a less ideal world we’d have to settle or appeal the decision.

I would give so much to be able to take that less ideal world. To be one of those excired/nervous parents dying to know.

Things like this shouldn’t cause me grief, I probably wouldn’t even acknowledge it if I didn’t work in a school however when September comes and I see all those parents and little reception newbies on their first day I know it should be me there too. I will see their anxiousness and wonder whether I’d have felt the same or whether we would both be ready for him to start school. I feel like Ellie is ready to start nursery so I know she will be fine but I will never know what Jason would have been like.

My life with him seems further and further away with every milestone that we don’t hit together. I’ve missed his first words, first steps, first hug, first smile and now ill be missing his first day at school too.

Of cause I miss him constantly and the ache I have to have both of my children here is never ending but sometimes days are harder to deal with than others and there are some days where you just can’t help but think how fucking cruel the world is.

Posted in Aching Arms, baby loss, grief, Jason, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, pregnancy and infant loss, Pregnancy Loss

27th March

I can’t help but wonder whether that day was when everything started going wrong.

Illness had struck, I worked in a nursery at the time and the sickness bug had hit the kids. The day I was due to finish for my maternity I ended up having off as I was being sick and I felt so bad for not working my last day.

I hadn’t thought much of being sick, other than being grateful I didn’t suffer from morning sickness as I just wouldn’t have coped. I’m not a good sick person at all. I spent the day on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket feeling baby kicks (or so I thought… More like flutters with him being so tiny!) and generally feeling dreadful. I had a constant smell of cigarette smoke around me which was odd as I have never smoked and no one was near the house. To this day I wonder whether someone was trying to tell me something was wrong. That in just 2 days my baby would be gone.

I have since learnt that being sick can be a sign of labour starting and I wonder whether I had signs but was too naive to recognise them. I had just turned 35 weeks pregnant and was innocent in thinking I had 5 weeks to go before we’d meet him. I was unaware that babies were born so early and it’s not something midwives tell you is a possibility either. I feel that the information you are given is just what they think you want to hear not what you should actually know.

The next day I felt perfectly fine, I’d cancelled plans with friends because I had been ill but actually thought about uncancelling due to how much better I felt. I’d taken a picture of my growing bump in a summery dress, we took a stroll to Tesco for pizza as it was what “baby wanted” and while walking around I had started to feel some pains in my tummy that felt a bit like constipation pains… Of cause I know now that they weren’t at all and I should have taken them more seriously and got checked out. Maybe if I had have been checked we’d have been able to save him, we’d have had a chance of saving him.

I think every grieving parent goes through life finding ways to blame themselves for the loss of their baby/child. Those “what ifs” haunt me 4 years later and they always will. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like I should have known something was wrong and done something.

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Saying Goodbye.

28th April 2015

Our final goodbyes. I don’t know how we got to that day, the month after Jason’s birthday seemed like a whirlwind and not for the reasons we wanted it to be. 

Looking back I realise that we didn’t know how to plan Jason’s funeral and there was no-one to really offer any support either. Our bereavement worker didn’t have much to do with us after our second meeting so she hasn’t really given us any clue how to go about it. I didn’t want to think about planning my sons funeral at all and so my mum got in touch with a local funeral directors who they had used to plan my Nan’s funeral. Jason’s  body wasn’t going to be released until after his post mortem so it give us a bit of time to meet with them before he needed to be moved.

I remember that meeting so vividly. My parents drove us and stayed with us while we made those heartbreaking decisions. Looking back I wish we’d have known more, said more, done more to show him how loved he was/is but in reality we just wanted it over with. We chose a basic coffin, I can’t even remember what kind! I feel like I have failed him so much in this journey because my mind has blocked out the pain. I think it was a wicker coffin but it may have been white. We drove ourselves there, not wanting to ride in a funeral car. Jason wasn’t taken from home but from the chapel of rest. I didn’t know having him at home was an option, one I think i would have wanted but I know I wouldn’t have been able to let him go again. We knew what music we wanted, one song, repeated just a couple of times. I knew I wanted “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, it may be a song about lost lovers but the lyrics meant so much to me, hubby didn’t want to think so let me choose. 

We decided Jason’s funeral was to be just close family, us, grandparents and great grandparents and Jason’s uncle. I knew if anyone else was to come that I wouldn’t be able to grieve for my son who was lieing in the coffin. I would have felt like I needed to be strong and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to take smile at friends who just didnt understand but would have been there because they loved him too.We needed to let our emotions out and say goodbye the only way we knew how. 

After talking to others I decided not to go to the chapel of rest, I wanted the memory of Jason to be me holding him, not him in there but my mother-in-law went as did lukes nans. They assured me he looked peaceful and beautiful but that is something I’ll never know for myself. I wish I had gone, dressed him, given him one final kiss goodbye but I didnt. I always think of him lying there, would he have known how much his mummy loved him? Would he have felt abandoned because I didn’t go and see him? 

I don’t know how but Luke carried Jason’s coffin in, along with my dad, Luke’s dad and my brother in law. I walked behind them just staring at the tiny box holding him, knowing his body was in there but also wishing it wasn’t and it wasn’t my sons funeral I was walking in to. It wasn’t his body being burnt to ashes. It wasn’t my family being left broken, it wasn’t me wishing it was me in there instead of him. We left daffodils on his coffin when we walked through the door. There was no eulogy, nobody spoke we just stood in silence listening to the music I spent hours deciding on. Waiting. Waiting for the curtains to close and for my boy to be gone forever. 

We spent longer than we wanted waiting for them to change the music but I stood there holding my husband’s hand while he was secretly holding the near Jason had with him in the hospital. The bear I wanted to bring but didn’t as Luke hadn’t been able to look at it. The bear that lay next to him in the only pictures we have. The bear that wasn’t much smaller than him and for perfectly in to Luke’s suit pocket. This tiny bear has so much meaning to us and I’m so glad it got to say it’s goodbyes too.

Jason’s funeral was held in 28th April 2015 at 11am. It needed to be early. I couldn’t sit around pretending to be okay for the entire day. 

Jason’s funeral was the day before his due date. Jason was due on the 29th April 2015. This should have been the happiest day of our lives, a due date brings so much hope and happiness to a mum but Jason’s due date was the first day I had to live knowing not just he had died but that his body was gone too. 

Posted in Baby Groups, baby loss, grief, Hartbeeps, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

Baby groups.

Baby Groups.

A topic that can show you exactly what type of mummy you are talking to. You get those mummies who absolutely love baby groups with their best friends (who also have babies) who ‘do’ lunch afterwards and you get those mummies who shudder at the thought of attending a baby group and interacting with other mums.

Continue reading “Baby groups.”