Tag: childloss

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, stillbirth, telford

Goodbye February

Posted on by Amy

Goodbye February, this month has been a mixed month. I started off feeling very low and depressed and finished the month off feeling grateful and full of love. As a family we have made so many memories and spent a whole week together having lots of fun.

With the end of February comes March, a month I literally dread. We have lukes birthday on the 4th which I love as I’ve always loved being able to spoil him and show him how much I love him. We’ve always celebrated his birthday with a meal out with his family and we are going to a local favourite place of ours (I may post about it after) on Sunday for Sunday lunch which I am looking forward to.

The rest of the month is a countdown. Reliving the days and weeks before Jason’s death, trying to come up with a reason it happened or something we have all missed. Blaming myself because I was naive to think I deserved to have my baby and that babies were safe! I actually hate the person I was because I was ignorant to the fact that this has happened for thousands of years and it still happens today.

4 years ago I was blissfully unaware that in just 29 days my whole world would collapse. I was hoping my unborn baby would arrive early, impatient to meet him1her and moaning about my pregnancy aches and pains. 4 years ago I wasnt at all scared about being pregnant or that something bad would happen.

In 29 days my son SHOULD be 4. I SHOULD be planning his 4th birthday party and inviting all of his friends from nursery. I SHOULD be spending my money on a few more presents because he deserves it and buying the best birthday cake because if he was like his Mummy and Little Sister he’d have loved cake. I SHOULD be deciding on the theme of his party and writing lists of the food I would need to buy.

Those things were stolen from me. Taken. Gone.

All the things I dreamed of doing as a parent, as a first time mummy, were taken from me the day we were told Jason only lived 37 minutes.

His whole life was spent looking at doctors, nurses, paramedics trying to save him. He never got to be with his parents, the people who love him. I never got to hold him alive.

With March comes a whole lot of memories of that day, one’s I try to suppress partly because it hurts so God damn much and partly because after 4 years you are expected to just get on with it. Jason’s birthday I will have to get up, go to work, pretend that 4 years ago I didn’t have to say goodbye to my son and I’d never see him again. Pretend that everything is okay even when it isn’t.

March is the month that gave me my son and I will Always be grateful for the short time I had with him but it is also the month that took my son away and I can’t wait for it to be over.

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, mental health, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss

Breakdown

Posted on by Amy

Do you ever feel like the world is spinning so fast and you start to feel so dizzy and there’s no way of slowly it down?

As much as I am putting in to life and being present, my own mental health is taking a huge bashing. I am constantly worried about everyone else, about work, about everything that my head feels like it is going to explode. I am usually quite good at sensing when I need to try and rest, I can feel my body become exhausted and drained. I know that carrying around so much extra baggage isn’t good and for my own sake and my families sake I should take a step back, let someone else deal with it for a change but that’s not who I am. I have spent my entire life focusing on someone else and I am a parent and focusing on someone else is so much more important.

I am not proud of myself, I am not really sure how I feel or even who I am sometimes. Today I had a meltdown, a screaming, toddler-like tantrum over a pair of trousers. I could see the wrong; I wanted to stop, hug E and take a step back but I couldn’t. I could see the rage inside me and I hated myself. I would NEVER hurt her, I know that much, but in that moment I really scared myself. There were lots of tears, mostly from me and it wasn’t even 7:30am!

I don’t want to be that parent, the one of shouts at the smallest things. I don’t want E growing up to resent/hate me. I don’t want her to feel like I have failed as her mum but right now that is exactly how I feel. I am so scared of losing her, of something happening to her that the guilt is immense. I should be more easy-going, able to just be in the moment and remember the heartache we went through to have a living child but this is so difficult sometimes. I often wonder whether I get like this because of Jason’s death, could it be linked to grief, PTSD, losing a baby fucks things up, or am I really this bad of a mum? Would I be struggling this much if Jason had lived? His needs would have been much more demanding, I’d have needed far more patience and I wonder whether I’d have coped with him. I just don’t know. I hate thinking I’d be better for Jason because that makes it sound like Ellie isnt as important but that couldn’t be further than the truth. Everything I do is for her, I want her to grow up with the childhood I never had, to choose who she wants to be and to have the relationship with her to spend time together and have fun.

I have no idea what’s going on right now, hormones, grief, I’ve even questioned whether I have PTSD or postnatal depression, I am unsure of whether after 4 years of trying to be strong and hold it all together that Jason’s death is actually hitting me like a tonne of bricks and I am finally feeling like Luke does. I’m scared that if I talk to someone they are going to prescribe and that’s it. I don’t want to forget the pain or never feel it again because that’s the only way I know to be his mum and parent him. The grief and the sadness is a huge part of remembering him and as horrible as that is to endure that is parenting a baby who isn’t here.

I’m not sure whether I’m looking for clues or answers here just hope that in time I will reread this and see how far I have come.

Posted in Aching Arms, baby loss, motherhood, Pregnancy, pregnancy and infant loss, Pregnancy Loss, stillbirth, Uncategorized

Miles In Memory

Posted on by Amy

Throughout October we remember:
All the babies born sleeping.
Those we’ve carried but never met.
Those we’ve held but could not take home.
The ones that came home but could not stay.

Help break the silence. Help remember our Angels.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and on the 15th the whole world can take part in the Wave of Light where we light a candle in memory of our own babies and all those babies who sadly are no longer with us for whatever reason. Jason was one of those babies who I held but could not take home and I miss his cute little face and gingery hair every single day.

Throughout October a very special charity Aching Arms are holding a fundraiser called Miles in Memory. For those who are unaware of Aching Arms, they are a charity run by a group of bereaved mothers wanted to raise awareness of baby loss and the impact this has on family, friends and others. They also bring comfort to bereaved families by sending Bears to hospitals and to people who have requested one themselves. My Aching Arms bear has brought me so much comfort and has helped get me through some very hard times in my journey.

Their challenge Miles In Memory is running throughout October and is a fun way to help raise funds for the charity. I have set up a team of extremely amazing people who are going to help me contribute as many miles as we can in Jason’s memory by either walking, running, cycling or swimming. I am going to be doing as much walking as Bean will possibly allow me to do to get those miles in this month and would be grateful if anyone could donate or just share our challenge and get the word out as Aching Arms have been so helpful since losing Jason I want to give back as much as I possibly can.

Throughout the month I will be blogging about #teamjason and how the team are getting on with their challenge and updating this post with pictures when I can. I am so excited to get this challenge going tomorrow and finding new places to take a walk and show Jason some of the wonderful places I have locally to me.

To donate the website is: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/jasonsfootprints

 

Posted in baby loss, motherhood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Celebrations.

Posted on by Amy

Celebrations are a funny thing when grieving. Sometimes they are filled with dread, a birthday, a due date, the anniversary of the death. Even happier times can be dreaded, holidays without that person, anniversaries etc. Our Anniversary wasn’t dreaded, for the first time ever we were looking forward to our anniversary. Something we haven’t had the luxury of doing since our first wedding anniversary was spent still desperately sad from the death of our Son.

Continue reading “Celebrations.” →

Posted in baby loss, motherhood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Posted on by Amy

Yesterday I found myself sat alone, in our spare room (hopefully soon to be Baby Bean’s room) on the floor crying. I was still crying when Hubby got home from work. I hated feeling so vulnerable, especially after i’d had such a lovely day resting. There was no need for me to suddenly feel so low, so broken. I miss Jason all the time so why was last night so different?  Continue reading “Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?” →

Posted in baby loss, motherhood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Pregnancy Announcements After Loss…

Posted on by Amy

Everyone deals with loss differently. Everyone deals with social situations differently. For me, when a pregnancy announcement has been made I feel a stab in my chest, I have to catch my breath and I feel anger. Not anger towards the person making the announcement, don’t misread what I type, I am usually genuinely happy for said person, however I am angry that I know their baby will not die, they will get their happily ever after and I didn’t. This is what makes me angry.

Since losing Jason, I have been lucky that most of the announcements made have been subtle and easy-going, close friends who know my situation and are thoughtful enough to not throw it in my face. This linked with my deactivating my Facebook account has meant I have been able to avoid the happy comments, scan photos etc. This doesn’t stop me from snooping. I love to torture myself, I must enjoy looking for signs as this is what I do, I snoop. I delete people who I know are expecting a child to stop myself. It doesn’t work.

Today I found out an old friend (who used to be a very close friend) has had her baby. A little girl. I don’t know whether her having a girl is easier or harder. Nothing about hearing another person’s announcement is easy. I convinced myself she’d have a boy and everything would be fine and she’d get exactly what I deserved. You see, her story was similar to mine. Got married, got caught with her first pregnancy straight away and was expecting her baby before her first wedding anniversary. A fairy tale. That should have been my life. It should be me who got my fairy tale ending. I’m not bitter and I don’t wish this on ANYONE but why didn’t I deserve it? Why does she get her baby and I don’t? Even knowing I’ve been so blessed with our rainbow and she’s wriggling inside me as I type this, she isn’t my first, she isn’t my son, she’s our second child and she should have her big brother here to protect her when she’s older. I will never forgive myself for not doing more to save Jason and bring him home, I can’t.

Grief doesn’t stop just because you’re having another baby, despite what people think. Unless you have been in my situation you won’t ever understand and I hope you never do. Time might distance me from the moment I gave birth, held, kissed and said goodbye to my son but grief doesn’t work in a specific time period it will be with me forever, until I can see Jason again and hold him in my arms.

I just hope that the next pregnancy announcement I read is my own, telling the world my daughter is here and she is safe. I long for that day so much.

A x

Posted in baby loss, Uncategorized

What if…

Posted on by Amy

“What” and “if” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

On this journey of grief it is easy to get lost, in yourself, in your surroundings, in your mind. I find myself lost most of the time, I forget what I am doing constantly as my mind wanders to thinking of what if. Sometimes I don’t even know I am doing it. I get so engrossed in my own thoughts that I don’t even hear when people are talking to me. It doesn’t matter whether your grief is through losing a grandparent, a parent, a sibling or a child, these are things grief does to you without you even noticing. I find that even when I’m having one of my “good” days I still often drift in and out of conversations and goings on to think about my own what ifs.

What if Jason were alive?
What if I’d have tried harder to protect him?
What if I’d have been a better person before him?

None of these questions have answers, the truth is, I’m not a bad person, actually i’m probably as “good” as anyone gets, I’ve never smoked, done drugs, can count on my hand how many times I’ve drank alcohol and can honestly say I’ve only ever been drunk once so there is no reason for this punishment. As with all bereaved parents, nobody deserves to lose their child.

I found the quote above completely true with regards to my grief, I constantly ask what if but never get the answers i desire. I never will. What and if are two words that bereaved parents ask themselves regularly, yet it doesn’t make the process or the journey any easier. Without answers the questions are invalid, yet we ask them anyway. Even now, I find my mind has wandered so much focused on my own “what ifs” that I’ve written absolute gobbledy-gook and haven’t the foggiest how I’ve come to type these words.

A year on, I’m finding it easier to hide when i’m in my own world, to hide when I haven’t really listened to what people are telling me but answer them as if I had, people seem unaware of it as it happens so much they probably just think it’s me. It isn’t. I was always so switched on and would take everything in before my loss, now all I want to do is go in to my own little dream world and be with Jason. It’s a lovely place I’ve made up in my head, where it’s always night-time and the stars shine as bright as the northern lights and I cuddle my little boy to sleep and listen to his breathing, I imagine it sounds very similar to my husband’s own breath at night when he’s dozing off to sleep. We silently sit there together, taking in every part of him…until I’m dragged away in to reality where I never got the chance to do any of those things and I remember that life really did throw me a shit hand to play.

I never imagined that my life would be like this, that I would carry on with work, relationships, life in general and act like everything is okay. As a child I never wanted this life, I never wanted to be married, have kids, I wanted to be a singer and travel the world on tour. In my adult life all i’ve ever wanted was to be Luke’s wife, have his children, watch them grow up and show them how much I love their dad. I will always want this, even while I’m carrying our second child I desperately want this pregnancy to end happier because Luke deserves to watch his children grow up, he deserves to be shown an everlasting love that you only get from your kids. My whole life is now dictated by my need to make him a father to living children and watch our family grow, yet in all of this I would never change anything about Jason, he was perfect, always will be and our family will always know and talk about him as if he was here.

My life will never change, I will always have those “what if” questions spinning around my head, I will probably always ramble on and make no sense at all to those who don’t understand. But I know there are a lot of people who will make sense of this post and will get where I’m coming from (even if I don’t right now).

A x