Posted in Aching Arms, baby loss, baby loss awareness, fathers day, grief, life after loss, parenting, parenting after loss

Father’s Day

First of all I want to wish all the fathers out there a happy fathers day.

I have always known how lucky I am to have a Dad who has always put our family first; a dad who has always been my hero; a dad who taught me to be proud of myself; a dad who has always put a roof over our heads and food on the table and never let us go without; a dad who gave me a love for music and for lyrics; a dad who always gave me a reason to be the best person I could possibly be. We aren’t good at telling each other how we feel, it’s not how we roll. I know which songs remind him of me and the songs that remind me of him. I know that he’s a pretty amazing dad because I’ve seen what a fantastic grandad he is to Jason and Ellie.

To all those fathers finding Father’s Day difficult for ANY reason… I get it. Wishing you a gentle day.

My husband is one of the best dad’s I could have wished for for my children. His start to fatherhood wasn’t easy but even then he stepped up and did more in a morning for his son than most parents do their entire lives. He gave everything that morning to bring Jason in to this world and I will never forget how amazing he was that morning. Losing Jason was so hard on him, the outside world seems to forget that Father’s grieve too, he was looked upon to go back to work after 2 weeks, to return to normal and forget that his son was born and died all on the same day. That’s tough. He carried on being the best dad to Jason, the love he has is undeniable. When Ellie arrived I finally got to see the Dad I knew he could be and was robbed of being. Day after day he is become Ellie’s number one. He is her favourite parent, he’s the one she asks to play, the one she demands take her to bed every night. The dad she has got wrapped around her little finger. He is the one making sure we both have a future and keeping us both sane. The look she gives him when he comes home from work is the cutest thing I have ever seen and she squeals with excitement when he wakes up in a morning. He’s not perfect (nobody is) but to her he is her world and I’m pretty sure she’s replaced me as his number one.

Sending special thoughts to those who don’t have their own dads to celebrate with today too. ❤️

Unpopular opinion I know but as much as I imagine being a single parent is (and I know I would struggle to do it so I’m not judging or criticising) but I don’t understand why people feel the need to make Father’s Day all about the mums who are doing it alone. We have mothers day and I’m pretty sure I have never seen a single dad moan or celebrate mothers day. Society is too quick to judge and this is specific thing really bugs me. I just don’t get it.

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, stillbirth, telford

Goodbye February

Goodbye February, this month has been a mixed month. I started off feeling very low and depressed and finished the month off feeling grateful and full of love. As a family we have made so many memories and spent a whole week together having lots of fun.

With the end of February comes March, a month I literally dread. We have lukes birthday on the 4th which I love as I’ve always loved being able to spoil him and show him how much I love him. We’ve always celebrated his birthday with a meal out with his family and we are going to a local favourite place of ours (I may post about it after) on Sunday for Sunday lunch which I am looking forward to.

The rest of the month is a countdown. Reliving the days and weeks before Jason’s death, trying to come up with a reason it happened or something we have all missed. Blaming myself because I was naive to think I deserved to have my baby and that babies were safe! I actually hate the person I was because I was ignorant to the fact that this has happened for thousands of years and it still happens today.

4 years ago I was blissfully unaware that in just 29 days my whole world would collapse. I was hoping my unborn baby would arrive early, impatient to meet him1her and moaning about my pregnancy aches and pains. 4 years ago I wasnt at all scared about being pregnant or that something bad would happen.

In 29 days my son SHOULD be 4. I SHOULD be planning his 4th birthday party and inviting all of his friends from nursery. I SHOULD be spending my money on a few more presents because he deserves it and buying the best birthday cake because if he was like his Mummy and Little Sister he’d have loved cake. I SHOULD be deciding on the theme of his party and writing lists of the food I would need to buy.

Those things were stolen from me. Taken. Gone.

All the things I dreamed of doing as a parent, as a first time mummy, were taken from me the day we were told Jason only lived 37 minutes.

His whole life was spent looking at doctors, nurses, paramedics trying to save him. He never got to be with his parents, the people who love him. I never got to hold him alive.

With March comes a whole lot of memories of that day, one’s I try to suppress partly because it hurts so God damn much and partly because after 4 years you are expected to just get on with it. Jason’s birthday I will have to get up, go to work, pretend that 4 years ago I didn’t have to say goodbye to my son and I’d never see him again. Pretend that everything is okay even when it isn’t.

March is the month that gave me my son and I will Always be grateful for the short time I had with him but it is also the month that took my son away and I can’t wait for it to be over.

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, days out, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

Say Their Name

Usually when someone dies their memory lives on in stories, in their family and their friends memories. Their name is still spoken, maybe less than before but it is socially acceptable to talk about them because they lived. So why is it still socially unacceptable to speak the names of babies/children who have died? Society is still unable to deal with the awkwardness this may cause so chooses not to speak about it. This isnt okay, it shouldnt be happening in a world where science and technology and intellect is so highlt regarded yet I also understand that for some it is too painful to hear their childs name, to go over the events that happened before the death or stillbirth of their own child. For some parents they choose not to acknowledge it happened; to never sjpw accept to the outside world that their own lives have crumbled due to the unthinkable happening.

I love hearing Jason’s name, I love writing it down, acknowledging his life in some way. If it was solely up to me my walls would be covered with his beautiful face. I dont always write his name in cards but always acknowledge him with a star. He is my son and I will always try to include him when I can.

This post isnt about me though; its about those who struggle with speaking their name and to show that this is also okay. There is such wonderful things happening in the baby loss community lately which is amazing and is forcing people to open up and I worry that those parents who arent quite there yet will feel like they are failing somehow.

Personally, I know that even after 3 years of grieving for Jason my husband has only once spoke his name. When Jason was born we didnt know the gender, we didnt have any top names picked out, we had 5 weeks to make a decision but those 5 weeks never came and when asked what to call our son we didnt have any idea. The second time the nurse asked Luke said Jasons name, we hadnt discussed it, i didnt get a say but it was perfect. He had his Daddys middle name and the link that his Daddy will cherish forever. There is no doubt in my mind that Luke loves Jason, he grieves so hard because of his love and it breaks my heart that he suffers so much. Luke has not said his name since. He doesnt acknowledge jason on cards, we only have 1 picture of Jason on the wall as Luke cant look at any other picture. Not through disgust or anything but because he misses him so badly. We have not spoken about the day Jason was born very often in the past 3 years and as much as i love telling people about my son, it hurts Luke and I would never want to see that hurt in him again.

I dont feel like I know the full story of Jasons birth, i dont feel like i way there in an odd sort of way and i wish i could ask him what happened but he knows far more than i do and through his need to protect me he deals with that trauma on his own.

This isnt healthy by any means but for Luke this is how he grieves. He is a quiet, sensitive person who only ever wants the best for his family. By not being able to talk about Jason doesnt mean he doesnt love him and think about him all the time; i think to some if a childs death isnt spoken of they think the parents have forgotten or moved on from it but they havent…its just too painful for them to even start to articulate how they feel. People grieve so differently and thats okay.

I have spoken to many bereaved parents who have had counselling to help them with their grief and have said how helpful it is to talk things through. I havent had counselling; for me writing and instagramming are like counselling. It helps me in ways i dont think a counsellor would. However just after christmas Luke began counselling through Hope House. Im not sure what is said but i have seen a huge difference in him. He is opening up more, he tells me when its a bad day and im not scared to mention jason around him like I was before.

Today we took Ellie to Wonderland Telford for a walk and to see the fairytale scenes. It was such a lovely family day out (which I will write a review about sometime soon!) and while we were there Luke wrote our names on a chalkboard.

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This isnt anything special; just my family written on a chalkboard. Just the first time Luke has even written Jasons name, the first time he has included Jason without it being too difficult. People find it hard to understand why writing something chalk would mean so much to me and I hope those people will never understand how hard it is living without one of their children.

To anyone who isnt able to talk about their child/baby please know it is okay. You are not alone but know when you are ready their is support there.

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Saying Goodbye.

28th April 2015

Our final goodbyes. I don’t know how we got to that day, the month after Jason’s birthday seemed like a whirlwind and not for the reasons we wanted it to be. 

Looking back I realise that we didn’t know how to plan Jason’s funeral and there was no-one to really offer any support either. Our bereavement worker didn’t have much to do with us after our second meeting so she hasn’t really given us any clue how to go about it. I didn’t want to think about planning my sons funeral at all and so my mum got in touch with a local funeral directors who they had used to plan my Nan’s funeral. Jason’s  body wasn’t going to be released until after his post mortem so it give us a bit of time to meet with them before he needed to be moved.

I remember that meeting so vividly. My parents drove us and stayed with us while we made those heartbreaking decisions. Looking back I wish we’d have known more, said more, done more to show him how loved he was/is but in reality we just wanted it over with. We chose a basic coffin, I can’t even remember what kind! I feel like I have failed him so much in this journey because my mind has blocked out the pain. I think it was a wicker coffin but it may have been white. We drove ourselves there, not wanting to ride in a funeral car. Jason wasn’t taken from home but from the chapel of rest. I didn’t know having him at home was an option, one I think i would have wanted but I know I wouldn’t have been able to let him go again. We knew what music we wanted, one song, repeated just a couple of times. I knew I wanted “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, it may be a song about lost lovers but the lyrics meant so much to me, hubby didn’t want to think so let me choose. 

We decided Jason’s funeral was to be just close family, us, grandparents and great grandparents and Jason’s uncle. I knew if anyone else was to come that I wouldn’t be able to grieve for my son who was lieing in the coffin. I would have felt like I needed to be strong and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to take smile at friends who just didnt understand but would have been there because they loved him too.We needed to let our emotions out and say goodbye the only way we knew how. 

After talking to others I decided not to go to the chapel of rest, I wanted the memory of Jason to be me holding him, not him in there but my mother-in-law went as did lukes nans. They assured me he looked peaceful and beautiful but that is something I’ll never know for myself. I wish I had gone, dressed him, given him one final kiss goodbye but I didnt. I always think of him lying there, would he have known how much his mummy loved him? Would he have felt abandoned because I didn’t go and see him? 

I don’t know how but Luke carried Jason’s coffin in, along with my dad, Luke’s dad and my brother in law. I walked behind them just staring at the tiny box holding him, knowing his body was in there but also wishing it wasn’t and it wasn’t my sons funeral I was walking in to. It wasn’t his body being burnt to ashes. It wasn’t my family being left broken, it wasn’t me wishing it was me in there instead of him. We left daffodils on his coffin when we walked through the door. There was no eulogy, nobody spoke we just stood in silence listening to the music I spent hours deciding on. Waiting. Waiting for the curtains to close and for my boy to be gone forever. 

We spent longer than we wanted waiting for them to change the music but I stood there holding my husband’s hand while he was secretly holding the near Jason had with him in the hospital. The bear I wanted to bring but didn’t as Luke hadn’t been able to look at it. The bear that lay next to him in the only pictures we have. The bear that wasn’t much smaller than him and for perfectly in to Luke’s suit pocket. This tiny bear has so much meaning to us and I’m so glad it got to say it’s goodbyes too.

Jason’s funeral was held in 28th April 2015 at 11am. It needed to be early. I couldn’t sit around pretending to be okay for the entire day. 

Jason’s funeral was the day before his due date. Jason was due on the 29th April 2015. This should have been the happiest day of our lives, a due date brings so much hope and happiness to a mum but Jason’s due date was the first day I had to live knowing not just he had died but that his body was gone too.