Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, mental health, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, Positive Wellbeing

Positive Failure

A while back I shared the struggle I was having with myself. My mental health was taking a right beating and I was finding it hard getting it back to a healthy balance.

It took a while and a complete breakdown for me to realise that I wasn’t failing. I have spent days, weeks, months feeling like I am a failure. Failing at being a mum, a wife and a friend. Basically failing at being a human being. But the truth is I wasn’t failing at all, I was having a hard time and that is okay. Positive failure.

Admitting things arent perfect is okay. It doesn’t mean you aren’t the best person you can be at that particular time.

Since my “breakdown” I’ve felt better. Something in me may have snapped but I’ve found I can make it even stronger. Positive failure.

I’ve made an effort to be calmer, I’ve made an effort to do more things with friends, simple things like talking more but it’s a start and I celebrated my birthday with the most amazing people I could wish for and it reminded me of how lucky I am to have people who care enough to tell me Im not myself.

That was a hard one to hear, I could sense it in myself but no one has ever said it so plainly as someone I have known pretty much my whole life. I’ve spent so long pretending I am okay, smiling as is I’m not broken inside and hoping others accept it that actually I’d forgotten how to show my true feelings when I needed help.

In the past few weeks I really have noticed a huge change in the way I feel. I feel happier, I’m not as stressed out over slight things. Ellie’s tantrums aren’t taking me to breaking point when actually they aren’t that bad and in return Ellie has been happier. We’ve had more good days than bad days and was able to enjoy our half term off as a family. We made memories that I hope I will never forget and my heart is full of complete love and happiness.

I know this feeling may not last as long as I would like, saying Goodbye to a lovely February means saying Hello to March. To a month that starts off so happy with Hubby’s birthday celebrations but once the 4th is over it turns in to a countdown until Jason’s birthday. The day we should be celebrating his 4th birthday and yet a day where I am reminded of everything I gained and lost within moments. The day he died and I had to say goodbye.

Please be mindful that if I seem distant and off, it is not intentional. I am just grieving for the life of my son who I can’t hug and who I miss so much every day. My heart breaks with every memory we make as a family because he will always be missing but I am also grateful we can make these memories with Ellie, she saved me in ways she will never know and I will always try to be better for her. She is the reason I breathe and for her I will try and make March as gentle as I can.

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, mental health, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss

Breakdown

Do you ever feel like the world is spinning so fast and you start to feel so dizzy and there’s no way of slowly it down?

As much as I am putting in to life and being present, my own mental health is taking a huge bashing. I am constantly worried about everyone else, about work, about everything that my head feels like it is going to explode. I am usually quite good at sensing when I need to try and rest, I can feel my body become exhausted and drained. I know that carrying around so much extra baggage isn’t good and for my own sake and my families sake I should take a step back, let someone else deal with it for a change but that’s not who I am. I have spent my entire life focusing on someone else and I am a parent and focusing on someone else is so much more important.

I am not proud of myself, I am not really sure how I feel or even who I am sometimes. Today I had a meltdown, a screaming, toddler-like tantrum over a pair of trousers. I could see the wrong; I wanted to stop, hug E and take a step back but I couldn’t. I could see the rage inside me and I hated myself. I would NEVER hurt her, I know that much, but in that moment I really scared myself. There were lots of tears, mostly from me and it wasn’t even 7:30am!

I don’t want to be that parent, the one of shouts at the smallest things. I don’t want E growing up to resent/hate me. I don’t want her to feel like I have failed as her mum but right now that is exactly how I feel. I am so scared of losing her, of something happening to her that the guilt is immense. I should be more easy-going, able to just be in the moment and remember the heartache we went through to have a living child but this is so difficult sometimes. I often wonder whether I get like this because of Jason’s death, could it be linked to grief, PTSD, losing a baby fucks things up, or am I really this bad of a mum? Would I be struggling this much if Jason had lived? His needs would have been much more demanding, I’d have needed far more patience and I wonder whether I’d have coped with him. I just don’t know. I hate thinking I’d be better for Jason because that makes it sound like Ellie isnt as important but that couldn’t be further than the truth. Everything I do is for her, I want her to grow up with the childhood I never had, to choose who she wants to be and to have the relationship with her to spend time together and have fun.

I have no idea what’s going on right now, hormones, grief, I’ve even questioned whether I have PTSD or postnatal depression, I am unsure of whether after 4 years of trying to be strong and hold it all together that Jason’s death is actually hitting me like a tonne of bricks and I am finally feeling like Luke does. I’m scared that if I talk to someone they are going to prescribe and that’s it. I don’t want to forget the pain or never feel it again because that’s the only way I know to be his mum and parent him. The grief and the sadness is a huge part of remembering him and as horrible as that is to endure that is parenting a baby who isn’t here.

I’m not sure whether I’m looking for clues or answers here just hope that in time I will reread this and see how far I have come.

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, Neonatal Loss, parenting, parenting after loss, pregnancy and infant loss, stillbirth, telford

Gone Too Soon

Not a day goes by

That I don’t think of you

I’m always asking why

This crazy world had to lose

Such a ray of light we never know

Gone too soon

Whenever I use the laptop to do some blogging I always find myself listening to the same songs. Sad songs. Ones that make me think about grief and death and everything that has happened to my family.

It makes me sad, angry, confused but it makes me feel closer to Jason somehow, like by listening to sad songs it reminds me that it is okay to not feel okay. It’s okay that I’ve felt so low and confused but I’ve lashed out at those I love for no reason and I don’t know why.

You are my one and only

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb

And hold me tight.

And you’ll be alright.

Maybe you were needed up there

But we’re still unaware as why.

Lyrics are incredibly powerful, you can feel so much just by really listening to lyrics. Sometimes the happiest sounding songs are the ones filled with the most unhappy memories. For a long time after Jason died I couldn’t listen to music. I remembered spending hours and hours searching for the perfect songs to play at our wedding, each one linking in someway to our relationship, our love and I remembered the joy it gave me.

Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You’re a part of me
And I’ll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

The next time I researched the perfect music was for my son’s funeral. Can you imagine how that feels? Finding the perfect music knowing you will never be able to listen to that song in the same way? Knowing that the next time you will have to listen to it is when you are standing looking at that tiny coffin that is holding the baby you longed for so much.

Music was no longer my safe place, it was there reminding me that I was going through the worst and it didn’t matter how happy the music sounded, each one made me miss him so much. Like I said, it took me a long time to find joy in listening to lyrics again but sometimes you need to wallow in your own grief, find those sad songs and sing them as loud (in your head in my case!) as you can and belt out those feelings. For me, this is as much a type of therapy as if I was actually having counselling; it’s a way for me to remember that my life turned upside down, I didn’t know how I was going to make it to the next day, I couldn’t imagine a life without Jason. I didn’t want to imagine a life without him. Sometimes I still wonder whether I’ll wake up one morning and he’d be here, sometimes my mind wanders to a life with him in and it hurts so much knowing i’ll never know what that life could have been like.

Lately I have been struggling balancing life, work and everything in between. I have no patience, I am cranky and frankly a bitch. I don’t really understand why Luke stays with me, I put him through so much and I’ll never forgive myself for making him go through all of this. To the outside world I have dealt with Jason’s death with strength but inside that’s so not true. I am not strong, I’m just good at showing people what they want to see. Society wants us to “get over it” “move on” and although I am open in talking about Jason, every time I have to explain his death my heart breaks once again.

Posted in #BeASuperstar, Alder Hey, baby clothing, baby fashion, clothing, fashion, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, Mum Blogger, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Rainbow Mummy, toddler fashion

#beasuperstar

It all started a few years ago when my brother who if I remember rightly was around 17 at the time woke up and had quite a traumatic situation happen (which I won’t go in to the gory details) and meant he needed a very quick trip to A&E to be checked out. Any one who know’s my brother knows he can be quite dramatic at times and we had assumed this event wasn’t too serious however we were wrong.

A trip to A&E meant we had learnt that my brother had quite a poorly bladder, and had had this for quite some time…possibly from birth and this meant he needed to be taken to Alder Hey Hospital as our local hospital did not have the facilities to support him. My family were quite worried as Liverpool isn’t around the corner and it meant close to a 2 hour drive for my Dad there and back each day and he was in hospital for about a week I think. Due to his Down Syndrome, Alder Hey allowed him to stay on the children’s ward, he was mentally the same age as the other children on the ward and it helped knowing he would be acknowledged as both a child and a young adult. I remember being so incredibly scared, thinking he was going to die, a worry I had from a young age, and I’d be left without my wonderful, loving brother. Alder Hey were absolutely amazing with him and my family and I will always be grateful to them for their amazing facilities as without them my brother may not have been here today.

I share this story as a bit of a background as to why I feel such a need to participate in Matalan’s collaboration with Alder Hey around this time of year. For anyone who doesn’t know, for the past few years Matalan have released a special set of pyjamas/dog outfits/socks in partnership with Alder Hey in a bid to raise money AND most importantly awareness for a charity/hospital who do their VERY best to change the lives of their patients and families during their stay.

This partnership has been a huge hit since day one and the first year it became very difficult to get any of the merchandise however my Mother-in-law triumphed and was able to get Ellie a #getyourstripeson onesie for her very first christmas. She was a month old and I felt so proud that she was already supporting such a wonderful cause. Deep down I know had Jason lived, he most probably would have needed the care from Alder Hey too so it feels important to me that I support it whenever I can.

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December 2016 – #GetYourStripes

Last year I was aware of how much support this campaign receives so I was quick to order mine and Ellie’s matching PJs. It was the first time we had anything that matched and it emphasised my love for matching clothes! I felt like the design held a part of Jason as along with the spots, there was a small blue elephant, which is Alder Hey’s mascot, but I felt so connected to him when I wore them and matched as if I had some way of keeping both my babies close.

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December 2017 – #GetSpotted

I hadn’t really thought about this years campaign until it appeared on my FB timeline and I actually squealed with excitement. This year seems to have gone so fast, so much has happened and I currently have so much going on in my head that I am constantly chasing my tail. Once again, I ordered matching PJ’s for me and Ellie. I still wear my spots with pride however Ellie’s have been too small for quite some time now and it’s great knowing these should fit her for most of the year now she is in 2-3 years clothes rather than months!

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September 2018 – #BeASuperstar

I must say I am slightly disappointed that this years design doesn’t include the Alder Hey elephant however Ellie is so obsessed with stars and she is started to learn colours that we have had loads of fun matching the blue stars on our matching pyjamas so it is still a huge hit with us.

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September 2018 – #BeASuperstar

To sum up these PJs are super comfy, unisex so hide all my mum-tum flabby bits and are actually quite generous in size. They are nice and warm, perfect for the 4 months of snow we are apparently going to have this winter! For Ellie, the cuffed arms and legs are perfect as they are still slightly big for her (she’s not quite 2 yet) so ensure she isn’t always falling out of them. They are bright and colourful and have already given her lots of play with colours.

You can order yours here!

I am already excited for what next year’s designs will look like!
Anyone else got their #BeASuperStar PJ’s? I’d love to see them!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

1258

1258 days. Thats how long I have had to go on without you. I can’t say ive lived each day but I am surviving although I have no idea how.

I think for the majority of the time I am able to control my grief, I have blips where I get upset, days where I have no motivation because whats the point when you have gone and constant times when i think of you and wonder who you would have been. There is no doubt you are always in the front of my mind and my heart still hurts because I miss you so much.

But how do I cope when the pain just feels too bad, when the wave of grief feels too raw? How do I stay strong when realisation hits and suddenly I am thrown back to hearing those words that killed me inside “we did everything we could but im sorry…”

Jason, losing you meant I lost so many other parts of being your mum and that pain in my heart wont ever go away. While others excitedly shared their first born in their new uniform on their first day of school it hit me that I wont ever get to do that with you. I knew this year wouldn’t be your first day at school but it is the year we should have been applying for your school place, I already know you’d have needed to go to a special needs school and I would have loved sending you to the same school your uncle went to. I already know you’d have loved school so much just like me. I know I would have been THAT mum sharing her proud pictures and getting involved as much as I could. I know it would have been difficult but I know we could have got you there. You would have looked so cute in your nursery uniform this year (assuming you could attend a nursery) and if you are anything like your sister youd be showing off your cheekiness by the end of the week.

Now that the realisation has hit I am dreading next September already, working in a school and seeing those tiny reception children on their first day im not sure im going to be able to do it. Im not strong enough for that, i dont want to be strong enough.

I want you. Every day. I want to be your mum and give you hugs and make everything okay.

My shining star, I love you x

Posted in baby loss, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Nursery

I have finally given in our interest form to put Ellie’s name down for nursery. I found it such a stressful task, I have said from the start I wanted Ellie to attend the nursery linked to the primary school I work at mainly because the staff are amazing, I know them and I know it will fit around me being at work too.

It was only an interest form, Ellie won’t actually be starting nursery until the term after she is 3, making it January 2020 which is ages away right? I know it will come creeping up and I know by then she will be ready for nursery and that preparation for school! I’m not one of these parents who is bothered, i’m actually quite excited to see what she will be like at school, I was always very quiet, got on with it and liked being at school and learning. I imagine Ellie will be the complete opposite and a little bit of a nightmare.

Due to me and Luke both working, Ellie is only entitled to the 30 hours free funding once she is 3 otherwise we’d have made the decision to put her into nursery for those 15 hours at 2. I hate the fact that to the outside world she is an only child and don’t want her growing up with that “only-child syndrome” people talk about. At nearly 19 months she is happy to share with her toys and she shares with us but she isn’t great at playing around other children and I know nursery will help develop that skill.

Because I like to be organised and prepared for EVERYTHING; I would love to hear your thoughts on what is necessary for children starting nursery at 3. Obviously I would want her to be toilet-trained by then but what else would people recommend? I’ve worked in Primary schools for nearly 10 years now and have seen the starters in reception classes be at very different levels in their maturity and abilities but I’ve never seen them start at nursery and what they can/can’t do so it intrigues me.


It was only after filling in Ellie’s forms that it reminded me I should have another little person starting nursery; Jason would have started nursery the term after his third birthday which would have been after Easter. That is assuming he could have started nursery then, I will never know for sure due to his DS and tissue on the brain however I do like to think we would have everything in place and a fantastic support network in place to have his education started as early as possible. It’s simple tasks I do with Ellie that makes me think about everything I missed out on with Jason. The milestones she has hit and continues to tackle, the firsts we have shared, I even wonder whether he’d have been a restless sleeper like she is and I’d have currently been on 3 years and 3 months (to the day!). I can imagine how irritable I would be!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford, Uncategorized

SANDS Awareness Month

June marks the beginning of SANDS awareness month.

#findingthewords

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This year’s campaign is all about breaking the silence and helping people talk about their loss. Ive always been lucky and ive got a great support circle who can talk about Jason with me, even sometimes bringing it up themselves to start the conversation however I know for so many they worry that talking about the loss and grief can be upsetting.

As a mum I want to talk about Jason as much as I can. I want to include him in anything especially family things because he made me a mum and he started our family.

If I could give anything to someone who is new to baby loss or someone who would like to comfort a grieving parent it would be this;

· Dont be afraid to mention their baby/child, they probably feel like they can’t but may still want to talk about them.

· Listen

· Ask those questions you might have

· Offer support in other ways (if you are able) such as cooking them a meal, offering to look after other children ot walk their dog, check in on them.

For me one of the most important things I was asked when Jason died is something that isnt spoken of enough so this is a huge one…

· Ask how the Dad is. They are grieving too and most often forgotten as they are usually the strong ones who hide their grief. They are often asked how the mother is doing but rarely thought of in the same way. Dads matter just as much as Mums so please talk to them too.

SANDS have released an amazing video on their campaign for anyone wanting to watch Finding The Words

No one grieving after the death of their baby should have to do so in isolation.

– Taken from SANDS finding the words campaign.

Their campaign last year focused on the number 15. 15 babies a day. 15 babies a day die. This is such a huge number for a topic that is so widely unspoken of.

Not just 15 babies but 15 mums, 15 dads, 15 grandparents are all affected by the loss of a baby. I didnt just lose a baby the day Jason died, I lost a lifetime of firsts, a lifetime of memories and I lost a part of myself.

Before losing Jason I never really thought about baby loss, why would I? I knew it happened, I knew people it had happened to however these deaths were from a time where baby loss was a taboo and people had to carry on as if their child never existed. I am grateful that the baby loss community is so strong in this era that it is spoken of, that Jason is remembered and thought of and that people don’t expect me to just act as of I was never pregnant. It is thanks to charities such as SANDS that thid is possible.

Yet still knowing everything I know now about baby loss and how common neonatal deaths and stillbirths are, I find it so hard to believe that on the day Jason died 14 other babies died too. While in the hospital waiting to go home the day Jason died we were told of 2 other babies who didnt make it. Out of 15 babies on average in the UK to have sadly died that day 3 of those were in the same hospital. Thinking of it now makes me feel so much sadness and anger at how common the death of a baby is. In a reality where people can do their entire shopping online and live their entire lives through social media we are unable to prevent something that has been happening for thousands of years.

Pregnancy and birth is a natural process, a way of life yet for me it has become a way of death too. Before Jason this had never crossed my mind yet now I worry for anyone who decides to try and bring life in to the world. Sands were the first charity I came across and the information they provide gave me so much insight into the world I was facing. If anything they showed me that it was okay to talk about my son, it was actually more than okay and they showed me that I wasnt alone in this group i had joined.

#sandsawarenessmonth #sandsawareness #june

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, telford, Uncategorized

Do I deserve this?

A question I’ve asked myself for as long as I can remember. I’m no saint but im definitely not a bad person. Ive always lived my life trying to please everyone and trying to make people happy and yet I still ask.

As a kid I was bullied throughout school, it still haunts me now. It wasnt what you would call serious bullying just the typical name calling, horrible stuff kids come out with that most people have probably endured during their lives but for me it hit a nerve and its never gone away. I always wondered what I had done to deserve that; I was good, okay maybe a bit too good and I always wanted to learn (a bit of a square for the 90s kids reading) but I had a good group of friends and I was happy yet I remember the bullying so clearly. Does ANYONE deserve to have something like that stay with them for as long as I have?

I began asking myself the same question when I met Luke. I didnt feel like I deserved to be so loved by someone else. I found it bizarre that someone older than me wanted to spend time with me; wanted to marry me. 12 years later I still find it a mystery why he hasn’t left me for someone better. I love that man with all my heart and ive always tried to give him everything he deserved and yet I still think he deserves better. I tormented myself with that thought when Jason died. If I had truly given him everything then I should have his Son with me too. I failed him as a wife and I know deep down there is someone in this world that wouldn’t and yet he is still here.

Jasons death brought a whole new meaning to “do I deserve this?” For once I wasnt questioning anything other than what I had done wrong. I convinced myself something as awful as your baby dieing must only happen to the worst kinds of people. Unfortunately, I know too many amazing people who have also lost their child and none of them deserved it! Nobody does! It doesnt matter who you are or what youve done, baby loss can happen to anyone.

Now Ellie is here I feel like I am losing my confidence in being a mum. Mothering Jason was so different to what I expected and I had to find ways to be his mum even though he wasnt here. I didnt get to dress him or feed him, I didnt get to mother him in the conventional way. I cuddled him and talked to him, I cried on him and I begged him to wake up; when Ellie was born I was suddenly thrown into a whole new world of motherhood. One where I could dress her and hear her cry. I play with her, I cuddle her, I take thousands of pictures, all this is normal yet I feel like I dont deserve to be her mum. Once again I feel like there is someone who could do a better job. Ellie is such a clingy toddler and she needs me 24/7 when she wakes in the night she cries for Mama, when she wakes in the morning she shouts for mama, she is there all the time and at risk of sounding ungrateful for her (which I can assure you is definitely not the case) I know the constant neediness is draining me. I feel myself lose my patience more than i want to. I don’t spend as much time playing because I just need 5 minutes alone. We watch far too much cBeebies and Ellie eats way more fish fingers and chicken nuggets than I like to admit too. More than anything in the world I wanted to be a mum, now I have it and it really is such an amazing gift that I cherish every day but it still remains that I find being a mum hard. Ive never been selfish, ive always put everyone else first but now I feel so selfish for wanting a bit of time to myself which in turn makes the mum guilt appear too. Its a vicious circle and I dont know if I will ever break it.

Even though at times I feel like the worst mum ever when I sit and rationalise everything I have been through to get to this moment I kknowI deserve this and I want this and I love being a Mum. I dont know what triggers this doubt; grief, PND, birth trauma, previous experiences, a general lack of confidence but I do know that I am successful at getting through those bad days and we are all battling this parenting job in one way or another.

 

Be kind to yourself; you may not believe it but you are doing an amazing job!

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, days out, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, Uncategorized

Say Their Name

Usually when someone dies their memory lives on in stories, in their family and their friends memories. Their name is still spoken, maybe less than before but it is socially acceptable to talk about them because they lived. So why is it still socially unacceptable to speak the names of babies/children who have died? Society is still unable to deal with the awkwardness this may cause so chooses not to speak about it. This isnt okay, it shouldnt be happening in a world where science and technology and intellect is so highlt regarded yet I also understand that for some it is too painful to hear their childs name, to go over the events that happened before the death or stillbirth of their own child. For some parents they choose not to acknowledge it happened; to never sjpw accept to the outside world that their own lives have crumbled due to the unthinkable happening.

I love hearing Jason’s name, I love writing it down, acknowledging his life in some way. If it was solely up to me my walls would be covered with his beautiful face. I dont always write his name in cards but always acknowledge him with a star. He is my son and I will always try to include him when I can.

This post isnt about me though; its about those who struggle with speaking their name and to show that this is also okay. There is such wonderful things happening in the baby loss community lately which is amazing and is forcing people to open up and I worry that those parents who arent quite there yet will feel like they are failing somehow.

Personally, I know that even after 3 years of grieving for Jason my husband has only once spoke his name. When Jason was born we didnt know the gender, we didnt have any top names picked out, we had 5 weeks to make a decision but those 5 weeks never came and when asked what to call our son we didnt have any idea. The second time the nurse asked Luke said Jasons name, we hadnt discussed it, i didnt get a say but it was perfect. He had his Daddys middle name and the link that his Daddy will cherish forever. There is no doubt in my mind that Luke loves Jason, he grieves so hard because of his love and it breaks my heart that he suffers so much. Luke has not said his name since. He doesnt acknowledge jason on cards, we only have 1 picture of Jason on the wall as Luke cant look at any other picture. Not through disgust or anything but because he misses him so badly. We have not spoken about the day Jason was born very often in the past 3 years and as much as i love telling people about my son, it hurts Luke and I would never want to see that hurt in him again.

I dont feel like I know the full story of Jasons birth, i dont feel like i way there in an odd sort of way and i wish i could ask him what happened but he knows far more than i do and through his need to protect me he deals with that trauma on his own.

This isnt healthy by any means but for Luke this is how he grieves. He is a quiet, sensitive person who only ever wants the best for his family. By not being able to talk about Jason doesnt mean he doesnt love him and think about him all the time; i think to some if a childs death isnt spoken of they think the parents have forgotten or moved on from it but they havent…its just too painful for them to even start to articulate how they feel. People grieve so differently and thats okay.

I have spoken to many bereaved parents who have had counselling to help them with their grief and have said how helpful it is to talk things through. I havent had counselling; for me writing and instagramming are like counselling. It helps me in ways i dont think a counsellor would. However just after christmas Luke began counselling through Hope House. Im not sure what is said but i have seen a huge difference in him. He is opening up more, he tells me when its a bad day and im not scared to mention jason around him like I was before.

Today we took Ellie to Wonderland Telford for a walk and to see the fairytale scenes. It was such a lovely family day out (which I will write a review about sometime soon!) and while we were there Luke wrote our names on a chalkboard.

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This isnt anything special; just my family written on a chalkboard. Just the first time Luke has even written Jasons name, the first time he has included Jason without it being too difficult. People find it hard to understand why writing something chalk would mean so much to me and I hope those people will never understand how hard it is living without one of their children.

To anyone who isnt able to talk about their child/baby please know it is okay. You are not alone but know when you are ready their is support there.

Posted in baby loss, baby loss awareness, grief, life after loss, motherhood, mothering a rainbow, mummy blog, parenting, parenting after loss, telford

Saying Goodbye.

28th April 2015

Our final goodbyes. I don’t know how we got to that day, the month after Jason’s birthday seemed like a whirlwind and not for the reasons we wanted it to be. 

Looking back I realise that we didn’t know how to plan Jason’s funeral and there was no-one to really offer any support either. Our bereavement worker didn’t have much to do with us after our second meeting so she hasn’t really given us any clue how to go about it. I didn’t want to think about planning my sons funeral at all and so my mum got in touch with a local funeral directors who they had used to plan my Nan’s funeral. Jason’s  body wasn’t going to be released until after his post mortem so it give us a bit of time to meet with them before he needed to be moved.

I remember that meeting so vividly. My parents drove us and stayed with us while we made those heartbreaking decisions. Looking back I wish we’d have known more, said more, done more to show him how loved he was/is but in reality we just wanted it over with. We chose a basic coffin, I can’t even remember what kind! I feel like I have failed him so much in this journey because my mind has blocked out the pain. I think it was a wicker coffin but it may have been white. We drove ourselves there, not wanting to ride in a funeral car. Jason wasn’t taken from home but from the chapel of rest. I didn’t know having him at home was an option, one I think i would have wanted but I know I wouldn’t have been able to let him go again. We knew what music we wanted, one song, repeated just a couple of times. I knew I wanted “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, it may be a song about lost lovers but the lyrics meant so much to me, hubby didn’t want to think so let me choose. 

We decided Jason’s funeral was to be just close family, us, grandparents and great grandparents and Jason’s uncle. I knew if anyone else was to come that I wouldn’t be able to grieve for my son who was lieing in the coffin. I would have felt like I needed to be strong and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to take smile at friends who just didnt understand but would have been there because they loved him too.We needed to let our emotions out and say goodbye the only way we knew how. 

After talking to others I decided not to go to the chapel of rest, I wanted the memory of Jason to be me holding him, not him in there but my mother-in-law went as did lukes nans. They assured me he looked peaceful and beautiful but that is something I’ll never know for myself. I wish I had gone, dressed him, given him one final kiss goodbye but I didnt. I always think of him lying there, would he have known how much his mummy loved him? Would he have felt abandoned because I didn’t go and see him? 

I don’t know how but Luke carried Jason’s coffin in, along with my dad, Luke’s dad and my brother in law. I walked behind them just staring at the tiny box holding him, knowing his body was in there but also wishing it wasn’t and it wasn’t my sons funeral I was walking in to. It wasn’t his body being burnt to ashes. It wasn’t my family being left broken, it wasn’t me wishing it was me in there instead of him. We left daffodils on his coffin when we walked through the door. There was no eulogy, nobody spoke we just stood in silence listening to the music I spent hours deciding on. Waiting. Waiting for the curtains to close and for my boy to be gone forever. 

We spent longer than we wanted waiting for them to change the music but I stood there holding my husband’s hand while he was secretly holding the near Jason had with him in the hospital. The bear I wanted to bring but didn’t as Luke hadn’t been able to look at it. The bear that lay next to him in the only pictures we have. The bear that wasn’t much smaller than him and for perfectly in to Luke’s suit pocket. This tiny bear has so much meaning to us and I’m so glad it got to say it’s goodbyes too.

Jason’s funeral was held in 28th April 2015 at 11am. It needed to be early. I couldn’t sit around pretending to be okay for the entire day. 

Jason’s funeral was the day before his due date. Jason was due on the 29th April 2015. This should have been the happiest day of our lives, a due date brings so much hope and happiness to a mum but Jason’s due date was the first day I had to live knowing not just he had died but that his body was gone too.